Monday, May 19, 2014


An epilogue to my cap "Why?"

There's nothing special that happened today.  Nor yesterday.... nor last week or last month.  If there was a seminal moment it came sometime in December of 2013.  It's when I realized I just couldn't capture 'Caitlyn' any longer.  I had been working for several months and had even gotten back into capping, but it just felt different.  It felt... odd.

This cap, or at least the idea for this cap, has been wandering around my head for awhile now.  I'm honestly not trying to be a drama queen or anything, I just needed to get it out.  Instead of writing out as 'me', I decided it was best to try and use Caitlyn's voice one last time.  You see as much as she was always 'me', she was also a sounding board... a good friend.  And a good friend wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

I think what suprred me on to make this today was another cap that I've been trying to make.  Remember my 'Living the Sissy Life' series?  They were always fun caps to make, and I wanted to try my hand at another.  It's easy enough as there really isn't any design choices... just find an image, express what's going on in the voice of a sales executive from a Sissy creation and management firm, use all the squirmy, ohh-ahh, and blush inducing language that I can muster.... and voilĂ ! A fun easy to make cap.

I came across an image of women working out in a gym and thought that having sissy's work out in as feminine a manner as possible would be fun.  When searching for a better image I cane across some photos from pole dancing exercise classes (they exist... look them up!).  Eventually I found a GREAT photo for that and quickly put it into the LtSL format.

And then.... nothing.  I could imagine in a foggy way what was going to be said and could even anticipate the squirm... but I just couldn't get it going.  Here's what I have so far:

Obviously the text is a place holder as that's the part that I am having difficulty with.  That's the part where Caitlyn would step up to the plate and knock it out of the park.  But she's not here.

I'm sure I'll eventually finish it off.  It will just take that special moment where I can capture as much of her echo as possible and transfer it onto the page.  Like any cap, it just takes the right set of circumstance.  Those circumstances are just more rare now.  Let's face it, they weren't exactly common when Caitlyn WAS here!

As I am taking the effort to put this out there, I figured I'd mark the occasion.  I've used my same watermark for years now.  No, I'm not going to strip Caitlyn's name from it, but I am going to add my little bit of sadness at her parting.  I've added a simple tear to the mask.  When I use it in the future, it will probably be to faded out to really notice, but it will always be there.

So... I just put my thoughts down as I often do into a cap.   This, like "Why?", was made for me, by me.  I think it's a bit to 'meta' to really be enjoyed outside of taking a peek behind my mask and seeing the gears whirl about.  If you ARE into peeking, then I hope you enjoy.


  1. Hi Caitlyn, this cap is wonderful. But I see it as you saying good by. I can understand about letting your (our) feminine side go. I have done that a number of times. and it has cost me some really nice clothes that I threw away when I thought I didn't want to dress any more.
    If you go I want to say thanks. You were the person that convinced me to start my own blog of captions. and unfortunately I know I will never be able to create anything like what you, Leeanne, Kaaren, Sara, and so many more can do. I do have fun with it, and that is about the most I think I can do.
    If you go, I wish you luck, but I am really hoping that I'm reading too much into this and hope I get chastised for being such a bimbo.
    But again... great cap..

    1. Rhonda,

      Thanks for your kinds words. Thankfully I can say with certainty that I am not leaving. I still peruse TG blogs once in awhile and even make the occasional cap. I try to comment when I can and bring attention to things that I believe we should all note (like my recent posts about "Amazing Transformation Comics" and "A Little Bit Of Girl Time Volume II").

      I've also made a lot of friends here and don't think I could bear to lose any of them.

      I'm glad that you started your own blog. I do stop by and read up on what your doing even if I do it from the back of the crowd. Just keep in mind, Leeanne, Kaaren, Sara and I all started somewhere. We were all inspired to create and share our art and lives with others. Don't doubt yourself, your creativity, or your potential as you certainly add a unique voice to the community.

  2. It is interesting how different people, reading the same words, but from a slightly different point of view, will interpret them differently. I don't read epilogue as goodbye to Caitlyn. I read it as an acknowledgement that Caitlyn will never entirely disappear. She may not be in the foreground, making most of your psych's decisions as she once did. But she will, in what may be a barely noticeable way, be informing decisions Calvin makes forever. Will she ever return with a vengeance, and seize outright control? Perhaps not. But she was, and always will be, an important part of the soul of the person occupying your physical form. That's how I see it. Whateva!

    Kiss kiss,


    1. Thanks Leeanne! I think you're right in saying that Caitlyn will never be fully gone. I did try to keep her separate from my life, but that doesn't mean she changed me. I may not play a musical instrument today, but being in highschool and college bands shaped me. I may not photograph professionally, but being a photographer has shaped me. I may not have Caitlyn's voice in my head any longer, but being her has shaped me.

      So yes... while she is gone she'll forever be a part of me. Thanks for seeing that and reminding me that she'll always be there in a way. ,

  3. Everyone evolves. We wake up one day and don't like the taste of our food anymore. TV shows don't seem funny. That song you've listened to for YEARS doesn't have the same impact. Most of all, our points of view just shift. And they NEVER go back. It doesn't mean you HATE those things you loved, it just means it has a different place in your life.

    It sounds a LOT like you're going through that. Your priorities changed and your mindset shifted/is shifting. The strange thing is more than likely you've been going thru this change LONG before you hit that tipping point.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, It's another one of those things that make you special - beyond that captions you make.

    1. Thanks Simone! I think you've put into words what I've been feeling for a while now. Evolution.

      If I back away and look at my life in the longer term, Caitlyn was just part of a grander evolution. Before her, I may not have been the most successful person around, but I was living life to it's fullest. There was no tragedy or great sadness. Just before Caitlyn I lost a profession. I lost a father. I lost a whole cadre of friends. The years preceding Caitlyn were some of the darkest of my life.

      Getting back on my feet wasn’t easy at all. It involved blow after blow to my ego and made me feel like…. less. Caitlyn let me experience a part of my life in a new way. A good way. A proud way. A happy way. Eventually milestones started to stack up; graduation, passing the NCLEX, getting a job. My life as ‘Calvin’ started to be good again. And when that sum of good things became the norm, Caitlyn receded. I didn’t need her any longer.

      I evolved.

  4. Caitlyn,

    Maybe it's the optimist in me, or maybe it's the crazy bitch, I don't know..... But I don't think Caitlyn is gone for good. She IS you, and you're still here.... You've had a crisis of faith. We've all had them at some time or other. Yours has lasted longer than some, but not as long as others.

    Maybe you don't need Caitlyn anymore, maybe Calvin is enough. If that is so, and you are happy,then I am happy for you. I still value your input and advice, and more importantly, your friendship.

    Not to make light of your situation, but I really feel you have a major confidence issue... In addition, I think that Caitlyn "left" primarily because you weren't getting what you needed from caption-creating and TG writing.

    It's a feeling I can relate to, or maybe I'm just projecting.... I'm glad to hear you're not leaving. The title of a cap called "Epilogue" is pretty ominous amongst our little community, and the accompanying story even more so...

    All I can say is that while nobody knows PRECISELY how and what you are feeling, I think many of us have felt similarly at times. I think I have, and it's an ongoing struggle... Sometimes "Steffi" doesn't want to come out and play, sometimes she won't shut the fuck up and let me concentrate on important RL issues.....

    Just know we are here for you, if you want,for anything :)


    1. Thanks Steffi, I wish I could share your optimism, but I don’t think Caitlyn is going to come back. At least not in the way she was before. I say that because when I’ve had previous crises of faith it felt completely different. When I couldn’t cap, I could still experience Caitlyn in other ways. Whether it be in role playing, chatting, or just passively reading stories, blogs and caps. I couldn’t create, but I could still BE Caitlyn.

      Now? I haven’t felt Caitlyn’s presence in a long time. A good example is a friend that I chat with now and again. They’ve always refer to me as Caitlyn, but more than that they chat with me as if I am a woman. Before this ‘crisis’ that was a surefire way to awaken ‘Caitlyn’. I loved being in a conversation like that and would respond in kind. I talked AS Caitlyn. When she’d call me cute or refer to me as ‘her girl’, it would bring a smile to my face and make me feel good. When she says those same things now, it feels awkward. It feels wrong.

      I don’t believe Caitlyn’s exodus has anything to do with external stimulation. It of course was always a blow to my confidence when my work wasn’t received as well as I thought it could, or even should, be. But when I felt that way I still felt like Caitlyn. But the caps I’ve created since Caitlyn left me haven’t matched up to what I intended them to be. And for the most part, those caps have been well received.

      When I made “Parting Gift” I wanted it to be hot, squirmy, and humiliating. But it wasn’t anywhere near what I intended. When I made “Curiosity” I wanted steamy seduction. When I made “Man’s Man” I wanted sexy eroticism. When I made “Everything Is All Right” I wanted loving eventual acceptance. But I don’t feel that I hit any of those marks. That feeling didn’t come from any responses to the caps, nor from any lack of responses… it come from me. In fact the last cap I’ve made that lived up to what I intended it to be was “Playing Sissy” back on June 2nd, 2013. Before that one there was “LtSL: Kissing”, “He Thought of Everything”, “Staying in Character”, “Striving for Perfection”, “Antiquity of the Soul”, “Fantasy Camp”... certainly not ALL of my caps have lived up to what I intended them to be, but the majority of them did. But in the 22 caps I’ve made since Caitlyn left… none have fit.

      I can’t say if people have felt what I’m feeling now or not. I also can’t say with any certainty that this isn’t temporary. Maybe Caitlyn will come back in force again. But it’s been so long that I’ve felt like her that going back and reading my own words feels less like memory and more like fiction.

  5. This is absolutely amazing. The level of emotion you delivered with a simple image and text is unreal. Your work has always been an inspiration to me, and this piece is no exception. The fact that this cap exists honestly makes me proud to be a part of this community. Anyway, I hope things are going well for you and I look forward to seeing wherever your creative urges take you.

    1. Thanks Rauk! Thankfully that inspiration is a two way street as your caps have always inspired me as well.

      As 'down' as this cap and discussion has been (at least it's felt down to me), I AM doing well. I'm happy and excited to be moving on to the future. And so long as the urge to create is there, I'll still try my hand at cap making. I figure even if I don't enjoy the end results, there are others out there that can get some joy out of them.