Wednesday, August 13, 2014

All for you, my Love - UnMasked

What do I think about this now?
I guess I should start out and say a few things.  I've worked at keeping quiet ever since pulling down the shades here.  At first it was very difficult... I wanted to comment on blogs, I wanted to make posts here, I even wanted to try and make caps.  But I held myself back... I didn't allow it.  After a month it got easier.  I finally lost the desire to cap.  Another few weeks and 'not commenting' felt about right.

As I suspected, I'm going just fine without being Caitlyn.  It wasn't being Caitlyn that was bringing me down, it was the un-endlessly un-satisfying pursuit of being Caitlyn that was bringing me down.  All I had to do, to feel better, was to stop trying.

I still peruse blogs, although I imagine even that will slowly stop.  I don't get much enjoyment of the caps themselves, I get more enjoyment at simply seeing that my friends are still active.

One thing that has stayed on my mind though, is how to ensure that this blog remains up and active.  I don't want it to go away.  If for no other reason that it's an incredibly visceral way to look back at how I was.  How I was feeling, how I was coping, how I was interacting with the world.  I don't want to make 'new' posts as I don't have anything really interesting to say... at least not that I want to share in such a public way or that will be interesting to the TG capping community.

I don't recall where the idea came from.  It could have been while chatting or emailing with a friend.  It could have been from a post on another blog.  It could have been in a dream.  I guess it doesn't matter where it came from, only that the idea stuck with me.  The idea was simply this:

What would I think of my own caps
now that I don't see through Caitlyn's eyes?

Could I still see the creativity that pushed me to make the caps?  Could I get any enjoyment out of the story?  Could I possibly see any way to improve the cap now?

That idea stayed in the back of my head for quite awhile.   To be honest I didn't really intend to make a post talking about it, but the idea came screaming to the front of my mind when I tried to visit here this morning.  You see, I don't keep a list of blogs to visit.  I rely on this blog to keep my links where I want them.  This morning when I typed in "' I got a real scare:

503 Service Unavailable

I thought that the blog had been taken down due to inactivity.  Deep down I knew it wouldn't be taken down so quickly (it's only been dark for 6 weeks or so), but that still spurred me on.  Thankfully it seems that somewhere between my keyboard and the blog, there was simply a burp as the blog came back within minutes.  But it still inspired me to ensure that this blog won't go the way of the Dodo.  So every so often I'm going to go back to a cap that I enjoyed and talk about it.  Look at it without my Caitlyn mask and see what I think.

No.  I'm not going to make a new version.  No.  I'm not going to make any new caps.  If you are looking for new cap material, then go ahead and consider this blog still closed.  But if you are interested in how I see my favorite caps now, then come along for the ride.

First up is "All for you, my Love".  You can read up on it's creation and the original comments there.  Here's the cap itself:

I think this may be one of my best caps ever.  It's not a design powerhouse, but I think I really nailed the story.  It helps that this cap came after a few weeks of struggling to cap.  I think it's squirm factor is only fully realized at the end of the second panel.  The whole idea of two people heading down a path that neither wants only because they don't open up and discuss it is... well it's just tragic.

I still remember writing this one out.  The story (his side of it) came out in a quick burst.  Her side was just a matter of telling each part in a new voice.  It wasn't exactly common for me to write out a story in one go.  And among those stories, few ever lived up to the giddiness it inspired in me.  But this one did.... and in a way it still does.

Design wise, I really like how it helps pull the wool over the readers eyes.  It has a 'happy' image to start from, and I kept that light airy feeling.  If I was writing a happy story, it's exactly the same path I'd take.  Nothing truly dark to spoil the surprise.  I also like how it utilizes the empty space.  Admittedly that was pure luck, but it's luck that I saw and took advantage of.  About the only thing design wise that I'm not happy with is the empty space on the left side of the first panel.  The second panel has each of the characters anchoring one side, but the first panel is just empty there.  Looking at the first panel alone I'm left wondering why I didn't crop out the side.  Maybe there was a better way to crop, or add something there.

Now... how do I feel about this now?  Well... I find the story a bit disturbing.  Having just read through it I focus more on the tragedy of each character not knowing instead of the feminizing itself.  I keep finding myself wondering why he went along with it... why didn't he just say part way through that he couldn't continue to do it.  Love is one thing, but love requires honesty to each other.  Even on her side, I keep wondering why she kept this up when she was so opposed to it.

Maybe this is more than just losing an interest in TG or feminization.  I now see myself as a more fully realized person.  Yes, I'd do many MANY things for true love... but I'd also respect my own self enough to tell the one that I love that I'm doing this FOR her and not FOR myself.  I mean, if this situation actually happened and I was submitting to my girlfriend's desire to sissify me, wouldn't it be an even more powerful statement of love if she knew I was doing this for her instead of letting her believe that I wanted it for myself?

That's one of the problems that I had captioning near the end... I couldn't really suspend my own disbelief.  And if I can't suspend my own disbelief long enough to write out a story, how could I ever expect the reader to follow along.

So... moving forward I don't expect to do this all that often.  Maybe once a month... maybe even less.  But I think this will be something that I can sink my teeth into and ensure that this blog stays active.  I'll probably just stay with my own caps if for no other reason than the fact that I have my own words to remind me of how I felt at the time of creation.

If you think of a cap that you'd like to see my 'UnMasked' take on, go ahead and let me know.  I'd also love to hear your thoughts.  Both on how my take on the cap has changed, but also on how your opinion on the cap has changed.  Do you still think it holds up?    Do you like it more?  Less?  Does reading my new take on it change your opinion on it?


  1. Dear Caitlyn,

    First, and most importantly, I am so happy to hear you are doing so well. Above all, that matters to me. Second, hi! Nice to see you again. And finally, I love this idea of you revisiting caps and offering your followers your new way of seeing your own work. I look forward to spot appearances.

    I think of you often but respect your decision to move on so I make no effort to reach out. I know you aren't cementing on blogs either, but I admit that I often wonder if you're lurking out there, reading my blog, waiting for the next update (coming soon) to my sissy journey. Whatever you are doing, know I will always value our friendship and love you.



  2. It's nice to hear you're fine and I'm actually interested in your life. Man, you could even write a book about it, I think I would buy it. Just do what you want with it :).