As we all read the same caps, stories and videos, I'm sure you can guess what happens. Eli becomes Alice and is trained to be a good pretty puppy bitch for her new Mistress. I figured I write in the begnining of the sotry all they things that Eli wanted to change in his dog, and at the end of the caption he would be given a sexy variation on that training.
But damn it... the story just wouldn't write itself. Most of the time when I have this much of a story idea, and this many great photos to use, it just flows out of my fingers and into the screen effortlessly. But it just wouldn't budge this time.
Here is the last attempt I made:
Eli's dog Alice was just terrible. Not only was she disobedient, but she made messes all over the floor, would always snatch foot out of anybody's hands, and was constantly jumping into everyone's lap. In short, she was a very bad dog.
He had tried many different training techniques but none of them produced any results worth mentioning. So he decided he would stop by the new pet shop on the outside of town. As he walked up to one of the sales girls, he explained his issue.
"So, do you have anything that can help me train Alice? If she I can't turn her around, I'm just going to have to drop her off at the pound!"
"Well sir, I'm sure you realize that most dogs don't need training. Maybe Alice is just trying to express herself. She probably jumps into laps as her way of saying 'I love you'. And if she messes on the floor, you could always lay down some papers... I'm sure it wouldn't be too much trouble to clean up!"
They ended up arguing for a while about the proper way to train a dog. The sales lady finally got frustrated and brought out a collar from the back room. "Now this should take care of your training. I guarantee it. But I only have one requirement before I let you use this on your dog. You have to try it on. I'm sure once you see what it feels like, that you will change your mind and let your dog express herself how she wants. Deal?"
Eli agreed and followed the sales lady into the office to try the collar on and be on his way. But as soon as it was placed around his neck, he watched in horror as his body changed into a beautiful woman. Before he could do anything other than stare, the sales lady hooked a finger into the collar and directed him to his hands and knees on a table. Eli's new long hair covered his eyes, but he recognized the sound as she attached a long leather leash.
That would have more or less been the intro panel and used the same image in this cap.
But I just wasn't happy with it. I knew I could add more details to the training that Eli wanted, as I wrote the latter parts, but it wasn't that. It just felt flat. And this was probably my fifth attempt at this story.
After making the last cap, and realizing that I could still write... I tried again. But this time I tried to play with a shorter idea. I thought of doing a conversation. This would be between a mistress and her friend talking about the Mistresses latest slave... Alice. Now this wouldn't be nearly as long as the first idea I had, but I figured it would be worth two good panels.
Here is the last attempt I had at that:
So how did you do it Jessica? I mean it's hard to believe that this cute obedient girly dog was once your brutish boyfriend Eli.
Oh it wasn't hard. It seems that in bed he really liked to be submissive. He told me that he had a fantasy of submitting to a powerful woman, and after we talked about it for a few weeks we decided to give it a try. Full time.
Yea, but he couldn't have meant that he wanted to be changed into this! Did he?
Oh dear no... he just wanted some rough sex. But after I convinced him to put on a pair of my panties, and took some photos of it, it was so easy to push him around. And then we went on what I wanted instead of what he wanted.
Ella, Ella dearest, go ahead and get up on the table sweeties. Its time for you to take your bra off. Thats right... thats a good girl.
But it was suffering from the same problem. Dull and lifeless. The characters didn't pop for me. I may have been able to make this work, but it would take quite a few more trial and error starts. But I realized that this idea came from my collaboration with Jennifer "Paris: City of Lights, Love, and Sissies". Its not that I mind using a previous idea over again.... but it just didn't feel right. I don't think I could have done it as good as Jennifer and I did together.
So instead of closing it and waiting another day, I started writing a new story. This would be a format that I'm a little more comfortable with... a single voice (in this case the mistress talking to and responding to her slave puppy). I wrote about the first half of what ended up in the cap and was satisfied with it. I honestly can't say I was happy though. So I did a major edit (sorry... I was in a writing mode, so I didn't save any of these last edits). I then wrote another paragraph, but it required another rewrite to add some new details.
That continued on over and over until I got the story that you see here.
I'm not terribly happy with it. I am happy enough to call it done... but not happy enough to think it will make a strong lasting impression. Part of that is from focusing on the 'Pet Play' aspect that New Daughter listed as a preference. I'm not very familiar with that style of play, so I can't say whether I nailed that part of it or not. But I think the reason I feel so 'bleh' about it, is it is just... muted. Its kind of dark... but not really dark. It's kind of erotic... but not very erotic. Its just a lot of 'Not Very'.
I really hope New Daughter likes it.... and it seems to have gotten a warm reception on the Haven... but I hope to do better next time.
You are probably being too critical on yourself, as usual, because the final version really snaps.
ReplyDeleteThe 1st version reads too much like an outline of a much longer story. Especially since you have a well established start, then you throw in a rushed "They ended up arguing for a while about the proper way to train a dog."
If I was given the first draft you posted and asked for my opinion (which is what you are going to get anyway!) I would've probably removed most of the 1st few paragraphs, and started with ""So, do you have anything that can help me train my pet Alice? If she I can't turn her around, I'm just going to have to drop her off at the pound!"
From there it would've went along the same way you did, but slide the information from those 1st paragraphs into the dialog. That way the back story flows a bit better, especially when you get to the argument, which I think is really where you should have focused the caption around.
I would have fleshed out the argument, which would have the pet shop owner TRAINING Eli, leading him to do the things she wants him to do, all without him really figuring out that she was guiding him to the behaviors she required.
Once the collar goes on and he becomes Ella, THAT is when he realizes that some are meant to lead and some are meant to follow.
I agree with you on the 1st version. That is the 'structure' of the 1st panel of a series. I would actually have fleshed out what was 'wrong' with the dog more, and take more out of the argument. The argument would have been brought more into focus during 'flashbacks' of Eli's training. But as I moved onto the actual transformation, and the immediate aftermath it just fell apart. I never got the chance to flesh it out, and then put in a proper rewrite for the 'intro'.
ReplyDeleteI tnink if I played it right, it would have been either 5 or 6 panels. So you can imagine a lot of area to bring up what I skipped over.
Your idea would have been perfect if I tried to cut the whole idea down into one or two panels. But by the time I got the idea that I couldn't make it work in the longer form, I was sick of playing with the story.
But thanks for the opinion. I always desire opinions. If I didn't, then I wouldn't post these ranbling side stories! :)
I read this caption was was taken by how well written it was. I agree with Dee - you are too critical. But often that's what brings out the best work.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this is one where the design elements really blend together. Everything fits and nothing gets in the way of the other parts.
Honestly Caitlyn you make such desirables works, you shouldn't be to hard on yourself, is good to criticize our own work but not like this, i mean sometimes you have an idea and you cannot pop it out of your head and you know that maybe is not really a good idea, i would say to this that you should write it somewhere and then try to check out where do you think the errors have been done, my method of work is writing layouts with actions for the characters when i go for a full story like you attempted. That way you know what your characters are going to do, other way this would become very difficult to me to know how to continue the story.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand:
If you are going for a single cap the story you made in that caption works perfectly, you have all the situation already set up, you are already writing there the "sexy part" as some people state :3 and of top of that is well written :3, and to be honest the first story you mention felt to me a little akward, maybe because is just the beggining but you chose well to abandon that idea :3
Hopes this helped you a bit, you can ask me anything else if you are going to try to make a bigger story next time, i think i have some experience by now.
Hugs and Kisses Alectra