But that just didn't come across. I tried writing it a few times, and deleted all of he versions. I was ready to hang it up for the day and just leave this as a 'partial'. But I decided to try a new angle. Here is my first draft of the new angle:
Hello there! It's good to finally meet you in person!
Yes and no. I promised you I would get you a replacement for her. Now my nanobots are good, but they can't start from scratch. I can't just create Maemi out of thin air. But, I can transform someone. About two months ago, I got a subject and injected him with my newest batch of nanos. These ones are great because not only can they self replicate, they also have remote access. So as time goes by I can give upgrades. Now I've been working on the list that you gave me. Before I introduce you, lets make sure I got this list right. Maemi had brown eyes, thick lucious lips, long dark brown hair, C cup breasts, heart shaped ass, long legs, and dainty hands and feet. Does that sound right?
Good good... and personality wise you told me Maemi was submissive. She worshiped you, and would do anything you said. She was embarrassed by how sexy she was, and acted quite demure. Does that sound right?
Excellent. So it sounds like she is just about ready. Now keep in mind that this is NOT Maemi... the real Maemi is out there somewhere. If you ever reconnect with her and don't need this replica, just bring her back. I can always reprogram her, and prepare her for another client.
What's that? Well yes, I imagine I could use the nanobots to undo the physical traits. I may even be able to undo some of the subliminal and hypnotic training... but why would I do that? No I won't tell you who this originally was. The person that I started with is gone for good.
Now let me go in and get her ready for you.
Matt? O.k. I have your new owner outside.
Now as I said.. that is a first draft. And it felt a little to dark. I tried writing a last paragraph where the narrator talks to Matt and apologizes for doing this... and that paragraph turned into the cap itself. I just deleted this first part entirely as I felt it was unneeded. Even if I felt it was needed or wanted, I would have had to do major rewrites as the 'customer' doesn't match up in the two parts.
It still doesn't feel quite right... but its better than my last few. At least I think so.
I really enjoyed the faulty nanobots angle. It was dark enough for me and forced enough to really get me going and push my buttons. I loved the final draft for this It used the nano's In a way you don't see very often and just added so much to the story that I fell in lust for! ^_^
ReplyDeleteBut the first one didn't seem that dark besides the fact she didn't care about who the person was before. But for me, I like it really dark so you could have played off of that and it would have been great to me. But I'm really glad you did scrap it in the end, because it seemed kind of generic in the way she described maemi's new body and situation. Nothing at all like the very refreshing, sexy and innovative caption it became.
And i noticed it says you will love half your strength, when I'm guessing it's supposed to say you will lose half your strength. I don't know why she's upset about her the predicament though, sounds like the sort of thing's i would be asking for! *giggle*