For the most part, when I cap it's from a desire to do so. I 'get in the mood', and either look at images, or see who is up on my cap debt list and look through images that their preferences inspire. I try to make a cap fun, sexy, humerus... really I just try to make something that will be entertaining. Rarely do I go into making a cap with an idea already in mind. I used to... I would get an idea and scour the internet for an image that would fit. But after so many frustrations and failures using that method, I moved on to getting inspired by an image, and letting the idea flow from there.
This cap came from an entirely different place. As I laid down to go to sleep last night, I started imagining what would really happen if I were transformed like in a cap. Especially like in one of my caps. How would I react if someone transformed me against my will? If they made me over into their own sexy horny trophy girlfriend/wife? Would I accept it? Would I cry? Would I fight against it? That got me thinking about how I would react to someone doing other awful things to me. Hurting my family. Disfiguring me. Forcing me to do something that I find morally wrong (hurting someone else, robbing someone, raping someone).
I realized quite quickly that when I thought of it that way... taking all the sex and fun out of being a woman, and just looking at it as a horrible unwanted attack against me, that I would fight and fight hard against it. Now most caps touch on that, but there is either an underlying layer of the subject wanting the change (especially in a lot of the sissy caps I've made), or something (magic, technology, blackmail...) stopping them from acting out this anger. That, or the cap never moves far enough past the change for the subject to react in way to show their anger.
This morning the idea was still rattling around the 'ol noggin. I figured that this might be the right time to make a cap like this. Normally when I write a 'darker' cap, I still feed off the femme feelings from Caitlyn. Those very feelings that I'm having trouble feeling and/or accepting right now. Without that side of me writing in things that are 'hawt' even in a dark way, I could really feed on the horror and anger I would feel at being transformed against my will.
So I sat back for a moment and thought it out. I wasn't planning the story though. I was getting myself in the right emotional place to write from. Anger. I not only imagine someone doing something like this to me, but imagined someone hurting me in a more 'realistic' way. What would I feel if someone raped someone close to me... what would I feel if someone shot me.... what would I feel if someone hurt me THAT badly? The story of the cap became clear... I'd kill them.
With that in mind, I went looking for an image. I really just wanted a woman behind bars, and this image quickly jumped out. It not only fits the narrative, but is also beautiful. With the image starting back at me, I started writing out a fairly standard cap... man gets hypnotized and finally surgically changed into a woman against his will. I chose hypnotism and surgery as I wanted this to have a fairly grounded setting, and not something fantastic like nanites or magic. That would help make the feelings and end result more grounded as well.
And it worked... just writing up the story turned my stomach. I wasn't getting any 'femmy' or 'hawt' feelings out of it. Once I had the story written, I only edited it a bit. I added the beginning paragraph and changed the last paragraph a bit to emphasize that 'she' finally finds herself free. That even though she was stuck in that body, stuck in prison and had become a monster, that she was happy with that. That in comparison, she was still better off.
So, as you can hopefully see, this isn't me being 'back'. In fact, its about as far away from the caps that I like to make as I can get. This is just me having a creative outlet with very little of Caitlyn's help. I'd normally say that I hope you enjoy it... but I'm not sure that I want that. I didn't make this for enjoyment, I just made it to make it.
While I can't say I enjoyed reading it, I am glad that I did. It's like the feeling I get after reading one of Rauk's Seven captions. Taking another look at my most common fantasies without the rosy lenses they're usually afforded. Its a pretty dark place.
ReplyDeleteBeing hypnotized into doing something against my will has long been a huge turn on for me. But taking a look at it, when I'm being forced to do something I don't want to and not just being coerced into doing what I'm too embarrassed to admit I want. Its a rather disturbing thought.
I can't say that I would have you're reaction. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to kill another person, and I sincerely hope I never find out. But whenever I hear news about rape and sexual assault, I seeth with anger, and while I don't desire to kill the perpetrator, I do wish to leave him a mangled mess, utterly incapable of repeating such a heinous act.
At this moment... me sitting here in my comfortable home, my mind a peace, and all the people that I love safe and sound... I couldn't kill someone either. It's hard to even consider killing someone as the thought itself is reprehensible.
DeleteBut I also know that at times when I or my loved ones weren't safe and sound, that I could have killed. I'm not happy that it's part of me, but it just is.
While it isn't what you would normally have done it is a very powerful story. In a way I did enjoy it because I do like to see the villain of the piece get their omeuppance, even at the expense of his victim's freedom.
ReplyDeleteBack or not, like or not, that was excellent.
ReplyDeleteooxx,
Leeanne
With my love for making things at least as realistic as possible. (emotionally in most cases.) I can really appreciate this caption and I know that in some cases, this would most likely be the horrific end to some sick twisted fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI feel I've towed the line in a couple of caps I've made, where it's just almost too much! With my love for all things horror, I could probably easily make a gut wrenching cap that illustrate a more violent end result. But I always make it a point to keep from involving blood, death.
Not because I can't go there or don't believe that's a realistic take. I think it is, I just usually try to keep the sexual tension and eroticism, focused towards the reader or the even the captor.
Even in this caption here, before it meets it's violent end, you could have played off of the captors sexual lust and even the programmed feelings of the captive. This sort of feels like the untold story of the other side of coin to many of mine, yours, and others caps. I think this works very well for telling THAT side of the story.
It's dark, but so is the majority of story's I read. We just choose to focus on some elements and not others. I think that of course goes with out saying, but I'm mostly writing this up as I go. heh. I think in the end, the forced elements of most of the story's, is a way to take blame off of us and live our a fantasy guilt free. because in the end, it is kind of twisted. (well, some of them are.)
I agree with you Jennifer. And if I wrote a story like this with 'Caitlyn' firmly in my mind, I wouldn't have taken it to this dark end. Even if the story idea started with the subject killing her captor, I would have changed that to something else, and let the erotic nature take over.
DeleteAnother fantastic caption. Yes it is dark, but it's just so visceral and real that it draws you in until the very end. So while this definitely isn't a typical "Caitlyn cap," it's a fantastic piece of storytelling.
ReplyDeleteWhat I find interesting is how that you chose the idea and then how to express it as it actually shows something that it seems no one else picked up on. The fact is that you chose the thought as a part of your own current struggle expressing itself in a form of venting through a caption actually made more from your Calvin side. I realized that in first reading what you wrote regarding the actual caption then the caption itself.
ReplyDeleteWhat becomes sometimes glaringly apparent when a person has for a long time created a alter ego even if only as in your case for a fantasy self to do captions or even to write stories in general.. is that sometimes the alter ego actually takes on a part of the existence as a almost living part of the said author. Sometimes the person actually does find it hard to separate the two any longer as the alter ego becomes a actual part of their living reality. To separate oneself from the alter ego becomes hard to do as the alter ego becomes so much a part of the original EGO or ID that without that part the original part sometimes can no longer function. Yet like in your case it also tends to for too long block the original self from things they normally were a part of. And when it becomes apparent to that part of the person that the alter ego is no longer just a separate part but a full part of the whole .. it can in fact lead to either of a number of emotions fear anger and then depression. I actually see this expression made in the caption as exactly this part of you being expressed by your Calvin half. You may or may not have realized that that was in fact what you were doing. But that said .. it is actually a good thing to express that or vent it .. and your very act of captioning to those whom may understand seems to in fact be how your Calvin part decided to do so. Tapping in only marginally to the part of Caitlyn to allow the free flow of creating what normally would not have been your choice of expression .. thus why you feel its not what you normally would do or what you consider as Caitlyn being back as its Calvin that made this caption. And yes you did say it was a creative outlet a point I doubt others understood.
- Monica
Thank you for your thoughtful reply Monica. You're correct in saying that this was more from 'Calvin' than 'Caitlyn'. I didn't intend this to be part of my internal struggle, it just turned out that way because I can't tap into Caitlyn's.... style? mindset? I know that if I had written this from my normal 'Caitlyn' perspective that it would have still been dark, but it wouldn't have involved such a bloody cruel end. I would have instead of focused on the erotic nature and tamped down anything that took away from that.
DeleteCaitlyn was a big part of me. And in a way she still is. But instead of being a happy calming part of me, she is just now confusing and hurtful part of me. I want to be Caitlyn. I don't want to be Caitlyn. I want her back in my life, I want her to completely leave my life. I want to express and experience her life. I want to shut down her desires and never see them again. This is the round and round thoughts that go through me whenever I get into a place near her.
Back in March of this year, I took a break from Caitlyn. Unlike this time, it was voluntary as I wanted to spend more time preparing for my licensing boards. And yes, that separation brought on some anger and depression. It may even be one of the underlying reasons that I failed that first attempt... I just couldn't calm that part of my mind. But this time is radically different. Before I could slip into Caitlyn's mind and enjoy my time there. I just would block her from interacting with others, and otherwise taking my time away from my studies. Now when I feel her slipping close, I get confused and angry. I want to be her... I don't want to be her.
This all may have started with me wanting to find a balance... but it's become more than that. This cap may not have been intended to be a way for me to vent my feelings, but it has turned out that way. I look at this as the 'anti-Caitlyn' cap.
I will add to the above post by me .. that I have been waiting for a while wondering how best to reply on your internal struggle since your first post on the issue. I then also thought maybe it would be best not to comment initially and wait to see if your Calvin side would venture to make a vent post through a caption before replying. If for some reason you may be interested in discussing this issue with me in private at some point I would be willing to do that with you.. but am not sure how to reach you outside of the anonymous post here.
ReplyDelete- Monica
Monica, I appreciate your offer. Maybe talking through this would help, but I'm just not ready for that now. Just reading my last reply to you shows me that I can't get my arms around this yet, and until I can do that any discussion about it would be circular and not helpful.
DeleteBut to your point of contacting me privately, you can always use the 'Ask Caitlyn A Question' tool in the upper right of the blog. That will send me an email. If you add contact information to it (such as your email address), it would remain private.
And this goes out not just to you, but to everyone. While I will try to answer any 'Questions' sent to me, I will always respect YOUR privacy first. I won't share any identifying information publicly without your permission. With posts like geofrey's (about his father finding his blog), or Kim's (about her SO's cross dressing), they included an email address that I used to talk to them before posting their questions up.
The only reason I don't push my own email address out there, is that I don't want to get hit with a bunch of spam myself.
Yeah dont put your emial out there. That would be a very bad idea. Spam stalkers and all sorts of unpleasant things would probably harass you. And you really dont need that.
DeleteSometimes the best way to clear your head is to distract yourself so that you can refocus on the issue fresh later. If you spend all of your time inside perhaps some fresh air and a long walk looking at autum leaves will help. Do something physical and fun. Then take a hot bath while listening to soothing music. Maybe with some scented candles. Get some good sleep and be fresh in the morning.
ReplyDeleteFind your focus and you will be closer to finding yourself.
The story is gripping and the image is perfect. I like to think of myself as being a nice, accepting, and forgiving person...there really isn't much in the way of violence in my nature(on the surface)... but...I have a child...and god help anyone who would hurt a hair on his head.
ReplyDelete