Monday, October 15, 2012

Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping....

The continuation of 'Being Caitlyn'

So it's been a week since I wrote 'Being Caitlyn'.  Since then I've made one post here in the hopes to help Kim and her significant other, and I've made one cap.  The cap has to be the strangest I've ever made as it's not only about the real struggle I'm having, but I didn't even realize until recently that I wrote that cap in "Calvin's" voice.

Between the cap and the Being Caitlyn post, I've had a lot of advice and conversations.  Not only in the comments to the posts, but on YIM with my friends.  I tried having some more non Caitlyn time and have found varying levels of success.

If I came to any conclusion, it's that I need something 'big' in my Calvin life to balance out Caitlyn.  I believe that once I get a full time job, that imbalance will work itself out easily.

But in the meantime, I've actually grown a little resentful towards Caitlyn.  I'm not even sure if that's the right way to put it.  You see ever since I wrote that post, I've had a lot of trouble enjoying being Caitlyn.  I've tried to cap, but it's as if my writers block has come back with a full on vengeance.  I do still occasionally get idea's for caps from images that I view, but those ideas never materialize into a story.  When they get close, I get that old 'guilty' feeling.  And once I get that feeling, no power could make me cap.

About the same thing is happening at DX.  I used to be able to spend all day there, posting and chatting.  But I find it hard to even log in, let alone write out anything.

I even had a real life experince that has me worried.  I mention in 'Being Caitlyn' that I had recently worn a pair of my panties.  Well natrually the next time I did laundry, they were up to be cleaned.  In the past, I've been VERY careful of my panties.  I would pay special atention when they went into the washer, check and make sure they made the transfer into the dryer, and take special care to move them up to my room to be put away in privacy.

Well I did make sure they went into the wash... but lost track of them afterward.  I have to assume they made their way into the dryer with the rest of that load, but when everything got tranfered up to my room, they weren't there.  I didn't even think about it until a couple days later.  They're not in the washer, they're not in the dryer, they're not on the floor or on the counters near the washer and dryer, they're not on the floor anywhere between the machines and my room, they're not where I sort my clothes (my bed), and they're not with any of the clothes that got washed that day.

They're just gone.

I've said before that I live with other people... family.  I have no idea how they would react if they found that lacy pair of panties sitting around.   For all I know, someone found them, and have stashed them away wondering how to bring them up in a conversation.

Needless to say, I'm worried about that now.

So... I can't seem to cap.  I can't seem to role play.  Whenever I think of being Caitlyn, I seem to get self conscious.   It's almost like my subconcious is taking it on it's own to take care of that problem.   By making me so uncomfortable to even think about Caitlyn, I am now avoiding her.

In the long term I don't think this is a major change.  It's a variation on the funk I had during the summer.  Just a little more acute than before.  When I can balance out 'Calvin', 'Caitlyn' will be back and eager to cap.   Until then, I'm going to stop struggling with it.

I say struggle, because I still try to cap, role play and otherwise just be Caitlyn every day.  I fail at it, and feel guilty at the failure, even though the guilt of failure is directly because of the guilt I feel for even trying. From here on out, if and when I want to cap, I'll give it a go, but I'm no longer going to try every day.  If and when I want to role play, I'll give it a go.  But I'm no longer going to try every day. And if and when I want to be Caitlyn, I'll give it a go.

So this might be the last time you hear from me in awhile.  For those that have been friends, I truly appreciate your friendship.  I'll still log into YIM and say hey whenever I can.  For everyone else...

See you later.


  1. I can only wish you well. Fighing to make captions never really works and I can understand why resentment creeps in. In total agreement with you that something like a job for Calvin will help to balance Caitlyn who does seen quite a strong figure in her writing.

    Good luck, don't force things, but we would love to see your work again

  2. Wow! This seems so desperate and sad Caitlyn. I wish you didn't feel this way, and hope you will be all right.

    Hugs & kisses,


  3. I'm sorry to hear that Caitlyn. Your blog's great and I come here every time I notice there's an update. I hope everything works out for you and you get out of this "funk" soon! Good luck and best wishes! :)

  4. P.S. Love the Steve Miller reference....



  5. I'm sure its not goodbye, but you WILL be missed until you do return ... whether its 3 days or 2 months.

    That is directed to both Caitlyn AND Calvin.

  6. Perhaps you are letting Caitlyn have TOO MUCH influence
    on you? Perhaps I can help out by revealing some of my
    personal history with you and then suggesting a solution. When in my mid-twenties, I used to fly into a towering fury, a wrath of which could be triggered by any remark-or supposed remark, about me. Then one day, my mother told my father that if these terrifying rages did not cease immediately, she'd have to put me into a mental home. THAT struck home at once. I went to my bedroom and did a lot of serious soul-searching, I asked myself, "Do I want to be incarcerated into a mental home?" The answer came to me instantaneously: "What a damn fool question! Of course I don't want that! Therefore, I shall no longer give in to my anger!" And upon making that vow, I have never broken it. You need to do what I did to MY mind whenever it tried to keep me from staying awake after I had taken my anti-epilepsy pills. I told my mind, "Oh, no, you don't, sunshine! You are MY mind, and I control YOU, got it? YOU don't control ME!" And such was the ferocity of this declaration, that my mind backed down. Have the same fierce conversation with your "Hyde persona-Caitlyn". Let "her" know how threatened you feel by her attempts to dominate every aspect of your life. Let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she is only PART of your life, that you have another life, as a man with a family, because that's what I would do! I hope this helps.

  7. I hope you feel better! I'll have my finger's crossed you eventually comeback after your break because your caps are just so wonderful.