So as I'm sure you all know, I recently got my first job as a nurse. I said in that post that I couldn't share much about the job and while that remains true, I think to fully express how I'm feeling I need to share some details.
After graduating school I was only working one day a week. I had to get up at the unbearable hour of 3am every Sunday morning to go work for a few hours at a retail store. The rest of the week I got into the habit of waking up around 5am. This new job starts fairly early, but on top of that it is also about an hours drive away... so I now have to get up at 3:30am every day for work. Of course to have the ability to perform at work I need to go to sleep between 9 and 10pm. It may only be shifting my sleep schedule back by an hour or two, but it's still quite a bit to get used to.
And then there is the heat. Understand, I HATE it when it's hot. I LOVE the winter. I love sitting in a room that's about 65 degrees and bundling up to go outside into sub freezing temperatures. So this wasn't the best week to start a job with the massive heat wave. You see, I don't have AC in my car (something that will be changed with my first check!). Driving in at that early hour isn't bad as it's only about 75 degrees. Work, however, is HOT and it's not as though I'm sitting down at a desk. I'm constantly moving to and fro and by the end of the day I've completely sweat through my scrubs. To end the work day I have to get back into my car which has been baking in the 95 degree heat and take the hour long drive home. Again... without AC. By the time I get home and take a shower, I'm completely whipped. After a couple hours I'm feeling human again, but it's then close to bed time and I'm ready to hit the sack.
Even if it wasn't hot, this job would still be draining. This is a new job for me and even if this was a minimum wage job, it would still be something new to deal with. This is my first nursing job and that adds a new level of stress. Good stress, but still stress. And then there is the type of facility that I'm working at that adds it's own level of stress. Needless to say it's a lot to deal with.
I don't want you to think that I'm complaining... I honestly love this opportunity and am enjoying the work I'm doing. I'm realizing the dream that's been floating unrealized in my head for the past five years. I'm a NURSE!!! Even considering the less than ideal hours, the heat, and the stress of dealing with so many new things I still can't get this smile off of my face!
I knew, however, that there would be a downside. You can't just add in 50 hours (40 hours of work along with the 10 hours of driving) into a week and not expect to stop doing certain things. I haven't played a single game since I started work. I haven't visited half of the websites that I'd normally view on a daily basis. Hell, I haven't spent but about 3 hours at my computer this week and most of that was spent trying to find scrubs that would both fit and look decent.
One thing I expected to miss was 'Being Caitlyn'. I knew at least until I got into a new rhythm that I would have very little time to spend reading caps and stories, or making my own caps and role playing. But something else happened... I DIDN'T miss 'Being Caitlyn'.
I've only stepped away from Caitlyn a few times. Last year I stepped away to study for the NCLEX and every day it was a struggle to not at least check in. To check out the blogs that I follow, to check out Rachel's Haven, to log into YIM and chat with my friends. Being Caitlyn was such a strong draw that it was almost constantly in my mind and I had to force myself to stay away. Other times I've stepped away when I had a persona crisis... I had trouble getting into Caitlyn's mind. Even then she was constantly on my mind. I would spend a lot of my free time working around the issue that had caused the split within myself. And while I wasn't activly being Caitlyn in my mind, I was still enjoying reading blogs and stories and sometimes even role playing.
This week? Caitlyn never entered my mind.
It's not as though I was feeling particularly masculine. I just didn't feel anything particularly feminine either. I had no desire to log in and read up on any blogs or anything Caitlyn related. I missed logging into ESPN and reading up on sports. I missed logging into various news sites and catching up on what was happening in the world. I missed logging into political sites and debating liberal/conservative topics of the day. I missed gaming and chatting and watching television and movies.
I just didn't miss anything that I would put on my Caitlyn side.
Maybe this is just an adjustment period. Maybe it's just a way for me to subconsciously deal with this new job. It IS a big responsibility and I haven't worked a full time job since 2008. There was school, but that wasn't the same thing. I was PAYING to go to school while I am now BEING PAID to go to work. School was a completely internal responsibility, while work is also an external responsibility.
But I can't deny that there is another explanation. Maybe... just maybe... I am once again a full person. Not working has always bothered me. It's one of the foundations of being a good member of society and while I was striving to better myself and take this new role in society, it was demoralizing to be 'out of work'. Now that I'm re-entering the work force, I feel like a far more complete person. Maybe Caitlyn filled that hole in my soul while I wasn't working, and now that I've returned to work I no longer need her.
This is my first day off in a week, and I started it like any other day before I was working. I got my cup of coffee, sat down at the computer and started browsing. Eventually I did what is normally my first 'Caitlyn' act of any day... I logged into DX. I have two characters I play there. One is a male patron that plays with the girls there, and one is a girl herself. I logged into the male's account and actually found it difficult to respond to the several scenes he was involved with. I still did as I think it would be just rude to drop off the face of the earth and stop participating in threads with other people, but it was still difficult. I couldn't even bear to try and log in as my girl character... I just couldn't get into that mindset.
I then tried to visit all the blogs that I've missed all week. Simone's, Smitty's, Samantha's, Leeanne's, Dee's, Jennifer's, and all the other blogs I have listed to the right. I clicked on a few of their recent caps, but honestly they did nothing for me. When I normally read a cap... good, bad, excellent, sexy, emotional or otherwise... I get a sweet feeling inside. I normally feel Caitlyn jumping up and down and enjoying herself. But not this morning. But not this morning. I recognized that most of the things I read were made well. They were well designed and told a good story. But the nature of the material didn't appeal to me. It was like reading steam punk stories... I could appreciate their creation but received no joy from reading the material itself.
While going through these motions and waiting for my Caitlyn side to come back I heard this song come up. I know it has to do with a far more serious subject, but the lyrics really hit me:
Times they are a changin' by Bob Dylan
Maybe the times are changing. Maybe Caitlyn's time is over. I feel sad about that... I really do (did?) enjoy being Caitlyn. But I've been up for four hours now, and she hasn't come to join me even a little bit. I didn't miss her for the week while I was away.
I'm not willing to say that she's gone forever. I normally have a tougher time finding her in the summer anyway. I will eventually fall into a rhythm at work and it will just become a part of my life instead of the focus of my life as it is now. Maybe once I'm fully comfortable with that Caitlyn will come back to play. But I just don't get that feeling right now... this feels more significant.
OK... I'm just rambling now. This isn't goodbye. I couldn't just turn my back on this side of my life after a week of something new. If I DO get to the point where I think Caitlyn won't ever return, I'll say so here, but this isn't that time. Hell... Caitlyn might come back with a vengeance and demand I make a cap this very afternoon.
Just know that while I'm not actively reading, commenting or posting, that I AM happy. I can't express just how happy I am with this job and the direction it's taking me.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
Dear Caitlyn,
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you what matters most to me - that you are happy. I know you were struggling as you sought out a job as a nurse. Now you have one. And I think it is great that you see it as the opportunity that it is. Work is very important to us - and not solely because of the money - although it is important. It allows us to choose other things to do that interest us. Will I miss reading your amazing caps? You bet. But when I'm not will I be thinking that it means Caitlyn (I'll always think of you as Caitlyn more than Calvin) is absorbed in something that is fulfilling her. And as for me and you reading my blog, I hope you will remain interested in hearing more about my personal sissy journey, especially the month my cheerleader and I spent with Andrea. I'll email you so you'll know when to check. You have been so sweet to me Caitlyn, and of course, my blog header will always remind me that you gave a piece of yourself to me. Thanks for the update and best wishes to you as you prove what a great hire you were. "As the present now will later be past....the times they are a changin'"
Big sissy kisses and love,
Leeanne
It wasn't a shock to me that you hadn't posted in a week. I know that your work can drain you, though I don't know what exactly you are doing, I used to work a 10 hour overnight 9 AM to 7 AM at a mental health facility, so I dated a few Trauma & ER nurses .. and we all drank pretty heavily .. often starting around 9 AM!
ReplyDeleteYou aren't at a point yet where "your routine" becomes routine. You've also got a lot of "Calvin" things to focus on. I would think that at this point, if you were still focusing on your fantasy life, I'd be a bit worried, with all the things that are so encouraging on your real life happening as I write this. You still haven't had your "first Christmas as a nurse" or "stuck in a blizzard double shift" that will become commonplace for you.
For someone that thought Caitlyn was an ethereal entity that could vanish at any point in time, I think she's had quite a good run. You've predicted her vanishing many times and perhaps she will finally go away. Either way, that's like 4 years? No matter what, you would be remembered for the impact that you've made.
While we wish you to remain for selfish reasons, if I honestly had to make a choice, I would definitely be on the side of you being the most happy Calvin you could be, whether that means there is no Caitlyn, or having the best of both worlds, where both Calvin and Cailtyn can exist.
And at least drop in to my blog occasionally to check out the music! LOL
Caitlyn -
ReplyDeleteIt is in fact a truth that when one is minus a job to which they feel an accomplishment that other things often do find their way to fill the gaps. Like you said perhaps the Caitlyn persona was created to fill that gap. You did for a long time have a gap where a job normally fills. Now that you have that job to fill that gap it is normal to push aside what may have filled that gap. It is a process of getting used to WHAT IS NOW compared to WHAT WAS BEFORE .. and since a job does fill large blocks of time it becomes at first the full what is now for most. As such hobbies and gap fillers take second stage, and even become harder to get into as you have in fact discovered with the game site for example. That said it does not mean that once you have become accustomed to the changes in the NOW that some of the BEFORE will not come screaming back in the moments when you have free time. And even if and when the BEFORE may travel into the NOW and become a part of the FUTURE for you the time will be limited as you will likely have other NEW items involved in the taking of your free time now that you are working.
I noted the image you chose for you avatar on the post above which showed Caitlyn removing her Masque. It is a fitting image for your post as at present you are more Calvin and not feeling Caitlyn as a present part of you.
On the other hand should Caitlyn not end up being a part of the FUTURE at all after the NOW .. then may I say that it has been great knowing you through your writing on here and that I have always enjoyed your captions.
Should you end up not returning to having Caitlyn as a part of you I will hope that you do enjoy your new job & that it goes well for you as well as the rest of your life, which for a long time you had put parts of on hold. Example : not having spent much time with friends local to you whom you had not the funds to participate in activities with while you were not gainfully employed. Now that you are working that may change as well.
-- Monica
I have had moments where I've had to step away and didn't "FEEL" Like Simone for a while. It happens. I imagine that feeling will come again and I won't want to come back.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you've thrown yourself into your new work and it has become your focus. This part of yourself had to take a back seat. Dee said it best and I agree with her. We adore you but we all should understand.
I don't want to say that I'm sad or upset that there may be no more Caitlyn, or Caitlyn Caps. I've known you for a good while now and I'll miss her no matter what. But, I am very happy to see that you are finally making things happen after trying for so long.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful to see you in such high spirits and I would love to be friends with Calvin, or Caitlyn. It's been great knowing both of you and I couldn't be happier to see you make it this far. ^_^
*hugs and kisses*
Thanks for all that you have done. Love and good luck in your new endeavor, and hope that someone who cares as much as you will be looking over and caring for someone's loved one. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you're enjoying your new job, and I think you're doing the right thing by stepping away from Caitlyn, at least for a while, until you settle into a new routine.
ReplyDeleteAs a selfish fan of your work, I really hope Caitlyn does come back sometime in the future. But even if she doesn't, she's had one hell of a run here.
You're work has been a constant inspiration to me, both in terms of storytelling and design, and I can honestly say that my own material would not be at the level it is today without your influence. So thank you Caitlyn, for everything.
Good luck out there in the real world.
Caitlyn, you are truly a talented author. Should your muse return I have a feeling that you have a community of friends here that will welcome you back with open arms. Best wishes to you in your new career and all your future endeavors.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind, warm and loving sentiments. I'm honestly blown away not just by the comments here but by the posts on other blogs.
ReplyDeleteI had intended to make a post today about what the future may hold. I know that I want to remain close to the many friends that I've made as Caitlyn.... that's one part of this persona that I plan to hold on to tightly. I just don't know the appropriate way to do so.
But as I've wandered around and commented on everyone else's posts... as I logged into DX and said my goodbye's there... I just wore myself down in an emotional way.
I may still make that post today or even tomorrow. I'll just have to see if I can muster up the energy to explore and share what I have in mind as well as see how my time goes (I may go car shopping today! YAY!).
One thing I would like to do though is gain some input. I don't want this blog to go completely dormant. I don't want it to be 'retired' only to later see it re-appear as an advertisement/malware garbage heap that has nothing to do with the caps I've made. So if you have any idea of a way that I can utilize this space and ensure that it won't just fly off into the nether, I'd love to hear your suggestions.
Again... thank you for all your kinds words. I teared up just reading all the wonderful things you've all said!
I'm sorry to see that there won't be any new Caitlyn captions, or role play posts to read. But to hear that you actually fill fulfilled and happy, well, that is wonderful news no matter how you look at it.
DeleteI'll miss it, but I am glad to hear that you will stay in touch. As far as what you could do with this blog? Maybe let another author take joint control for it? Or maybe just use it as a diary sort of thing?
Maybe even just use it as a way to flex your creative muscles, but not focus on TG captions. Your good with Photoshop and images in general, you have a knack for story telling. You could do a lot outside of TG stories and Caityn themed ideas possibly.
As Jennifer said, I'm sure one of us wouldn't mind being a caretaker for the site to ensure it stays looking like it does right now, and not become infested with spam.
DeleteI would also say that you have received many captions from others in trades that you could post here every 4-5 days (or every Saturday per se) where at least there would be captions for people to see. Perhaps post one of those along with one of your captions reposted to go along with it? Also, blogger would be less likely to shut it down due to inactivity.
Hi Caitlyn,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling more fulfilled and if something becomes a habit without any proper enjoyment its best to find something that you enjoy doing more.
I guess we have to get used to change and appreciate the best of what has been and anticipate enjoying what's to come. Creativity never goes away it just creates different things.