Sunday, July 28, 2013

Things do not change...

...we change.

So.... week two at work is done.  Week two of my new career is done.  Week two of my new life is done.  Sadly I still feel the empty spot where Caitlyn once sat.  I have heard her whispers and desires, but it feels like an echo in an empty room.

During the week I did think about Caitlyn a lot... but it wasn't thinking AS Caitlyn.  It was more like thinking of a friend that has recently moved far away.  I know I talked a bit about this in my last post, but I want to reiterate it... this hasn't happened before.  Sure, I've disconnected or had problems Being Caitlyn, but not in this way.  Now that I've lost her voice, I'm actually surprised at how much she used to occupy my thoughts.  I never really thought about how I'd look as Caitlyn or how I'd look in a dress, or what I would be doing if I was Caitlyn in the physical sense... but I did often wonder what was going on in her world while I was away from it.  What new discussion had Dee brought up?  What new caps had my friends made?  How was my last cap or post going over?  Had anybody sent Caitlyn a 'Question'?

The only 'Caitlyn' thoughts that have come up this past week were how my last post went over.  Finding out wasn't a strong enough desire to actually log in and see, but it did cross my mind several times.

Beyond not feeling Caitlyn's presence, I had another indication that I'm changing.  What I'm going to talk about is rather personal and sexually graphic and would be TMI in polite conversation... so if you don't want to read about it I understand.  Simply skip down until you see the lined break again.

------------------------TMI Warning------------------------
Before I accepted Caitlyn in my life I would get sexually aroused by two very different things.   There was what I would consider 'normal'... I'd see an attractive woman and want to be with her.  Watching porn I would imagine myself in the man's role making sweet passionate love to a woman.  Even back then I was more into 'artful' porn than the regular "Lets watch these two people FUCK' style porn.  The other way I would get aroused was reading TG stories (mainly at fictionmania).  When I would look at certain pictures or watch certain videos I would imagine myself in the woman's role.  It brought shame and humiliation and I often felt confused by the feelings and tried desperately to ignore and forget that I ever felt that way (which of course I'd eventually feel again anyway).

After starting my capping journey and accepting Caitlyn into my life I still felt that shame and humiliation... but I realized that was part of the thrill.  I enjoyed feeling like that.  It didn't take long for my sexual fantasies to almost completely go down that path.  In the last few years I've rarely been aroused while thinking of myself as a man.  It was almost constantly imagining myself as a woman.  As I'm sure you could see, that sexual tension and energy was a well of inspiration for my caps.  So many of my strongest desires were given voice in a cap.  Having a loved woman change me into her submissive girl... being dressed and having to fool a man that I know (and eventually sexually pleasing him to continue the deception).

In the past four years about the only time I had a 'normal' masculine sexual arousal would be in a place and time that I was firmly in my Calvin life.  Watching a move with a particularly sexy scene... seeing a sexy woman in a bar or club (or library or walking down the street...).  These were in places and times that I couldn't do anything with the sexual arousal and when I was in a private place where I could take this arousal 'in hand' my mind would return to Caitlyn's fantasies.  It may involve the scene I had watched or the woman I had oogled... but now I was the woman in my fantasy or the woman was making me over into her sexy subservient bisexual girlfriend.

It's been that way long enough that I just figured until I got a girlfriend that this is how I would express my sexuality.  I had and have no interest in physically being with a man, but my fantasies almost always involved just that.  I knew and know that one day I will find the right woman and start a hopefully deep and meaningful relationship.  Maybe I'll even share my Caitlyn side (my Caitlyn past?) with her.

Just after getting this job I went a little 'crazy' and spent money on things that I haven't spent money on in a long while.  I bought a new game.  I bought a couple books.  I went out to the movies with my brother and his kids.  And I bought a subscription to X-Art.  If you don't know X-Art, then you should.  It's incredibly sexy and well photographed porn.  I've more than likely used dozens of their images in my caps.  At the time I got the subscription I figured that I would both enjoy the full image and video sets, but that I could also use the wider selection to get caps from.

Well... when I lost touch with Caitlyn I lost the interest of picking images out to cap, but I still viewed it for the well made porn that it is.  Sexy women making sexy love to sexy men.  And when it aroused me... I was imagining myself as the man again.  I was there in a body that I'll never poses, making sweet passionate love to a sexy woman.  When she would take his cock in her mouth I wasn't imagining being down on my knees and humiliatingly taking my girlfriend's lover's cock into my scared mouth... I was imagining my (purely fake) girlfriend taking my cock into her mouth.

The feeling and arousal was incredibly intense.  Like making love to your girl (or guy) after a long absence.  In the two weeks since I've started this job and lost touch with Caitlyn I've 'utilized' X-Art several times and only once did my fantasy include anything even slightly TG related.  And when it did include that... I was imagining a girl transforming a man into a girl for me.  I was still the man... I was just being sexual pleased by a woman and a forcibly cross dressed or transformed man.  Being the woman in these scenes never entered my mind.
----------------End of TMI Warning----------------

So that sexual energy that I would feed off of to make my more steamy caps is now gone as well.  There is only one aspect of Cailtyn that I still feel... the friendships that I've made.  When I logged in yesterday morning I tried to do my normal Caitlyn activities again.  I logged in to role play, but could't get into the right mindset to write that fiction.  I visited a couple blogs and tried to read some caps, but they just didn't hold my interest.  There were caps that were incredibly sexy... but I couldn't put myself into the story.

Last week I talking about the possibility of this being more than just an adjustment to my new life and job.  I'm still not ready to say I'm leaving Caitlyn behind forever, but I have to seriously consider that that's exactly what's happening.  So as I added in a comment yesterday, I am now wondering what to do with this blog.

I have absolutely NO desire to see it vanish and then re-appear as a spam and malware profit center.   I've seen that happen to other bloggers and it just isn't right.  Not only does it draw in and possibly hurt any followers that I have, but if I DO come back I would like to pick up where I left off.

So... Dee and Jennifer both had some suggestions.  Jennifer suggested letting another author take control of it, using it for an online diary or flexing my creative muscles in some other endeavor.  Dee suggested that I gave someone act as a caretaker to make sure spam doesn't build up or to post caps that have been made for me and then link to the responses that I made (as they're already all posted here).

Lemme take those one by one.

I would certainly be open to letting someone else take over.  The only problem is that everyone that I know and trust already has an established blog presence... so it's not as though they would want to just move over to this place.

I'm not sure what I would feel comfortable talking about in an online diary.  Yes, I'm open here as much as I can, but I don't want someone that knows me to be able to identify me from the posts here.  I already toe the line and if they know some specific dates in my past (graduating, taking and failing the nclex, passing the nclex, getting a job), they could already figure it out.  So if I shared whats going on with my life I would only make that easier.

Flexing my creative muscles.... I'm all for that.  But right now I don't have a task that I'm working on.  Being creative simply for the sake of being creative seems as foreign as making a cap when I'm not in the right mindset.  I wouldn't even know what direction to go in.   But we'll put a pin into that... if I can find an outlet that I'm comfortable sharing here, I'd be all for it.

Having a caretaker.  That seems interesting.  They could make the occasional post... maybe just a cap that they found interesting somewhere else... and mainly log once in a while to make sure it's not completely inactive.  It would still leave me the ability to 'come back' and say hi when I wanted and if Caitlyn ever comes back I could pick it right back up.

Sharing caps made for me... hmm...  I have mixed feelings on that.  There are certainly many MANY great caps that I could post.  But I wouldn't really have much to say about them.  I have trouble going through my own caps (I tried re-reading my last cap "Being your lover..." and couldn't finish it.  It felt wrong.  I'm afriad that the process of going through caps would be similar and I don't want to lose the fond memories I have of getting those caps.

So... maybe a caretaker?  I'd hate to ask someone to do that, but it feels like about the best option.  I'd love to hear any other suggestions of how I can keep this blog at least minimally active.


  1. I know for a fact you can speak to someone who will be a caretaker should you decide to go that route. You might have already had it suggested. Send me a note when you get a chance.

    Everything you speak of, I fear. I fear one day I'll look down and want to leave Simone behind. I don't know when but I know it will happen. We all change and it's no different. As I said before, I'm happy and you are happy.

    1. I remember getting that feeling when Petra walked away. Looking at her departure made me consider how long I'd be Caitlyn. At the time I was in full Caitlyn mode and couldn't imagine just walking away... now I think I understand what she was going through better.

      Just as everyone has wished me well, I only want whats best for you. If that's continuing being the sexy and mysterious 'Mistress Simone' forever, then that's great. If that's walking away and becoming fully 'Mark', then I'll be equally happy for you!

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Honestly, When I suggested someone to take over your blog, I didn't mean for someone to move over to your blog and post their own work or anything like that. I meant for someone to take over your blog and keep an eye on it. That's why I said "joint control" since you can do that with blogger.

    Dee's suggestion of Care-taker is exactly the same thing as my suggestion, except that I tried to throw out various idea's for you to use along side it or instead of it. Which ever sounds like it would fit more for you.

    When I suggested that sort of thing, I was of course throwing my hat in the ring to help out and keep an eye on the blog. I would love to help you out if I can and I'm usually around.

    1. You know... now that I go back and re-read what you posted, I don't see how I thought you meant for someone to take over and use this as their own creative outlet. Sorry about that!

      Having a care taker come on board sounds like the best idea. I don't imagine it would require much effort... just logging in and making sure it's still there occasionally. And maybe rarely coming in and making a post or two.

  4. Well I think that if you have your mind focused on other tasks and filling "that void" that you had before, is more or less normal that you start to feel Calvin and less Caitlyn. That's because probably - I would consider this about it, anyway - Caitlyn still holds a presence in the Virtual World and not really making an appearance in the Real World, holding a mental gap, a huge gap, between your real you and your virtual you. Sometimes as we have our feminine and masculines sides clashing together it would be really easy if you star to act like Caitlyn in Real Life. Probably with small acts, as you try your best to bring a mask. You stated it clearly before.

    Then I think this whole "superheroine drama" or double personality affects one person when their true feelings are mentally repressed. It's not that easy as:

    I switch off, switch on between two states. I've read many posts and learn about you through them, and if you have done sone. We can clearly see the line between a Calvin mood and a Caitlyn one.

    Or just me rambling different aspects about it. I think this should be to consider in a better thought post, from where we draw the line between our personas or second realities?. In the end it will pay a mental toll trying to grab two different worlds and mix them together in a single reality only that there is so much time in one day to try to be two different persons. So that must be where you are coming from - and yes I have read the TMI warning :) -

    I'm not sure if you have come to the point of meh! as you enjoy the creative process, surely the sexual energy you talk about is getting aroused, and living the fantasy. From that you have reached the meh! only because deep inside you are thinking about what if Caitlyn would be the Real Life and Calvin a second aspect of it. Now that would be interesting in my opinion... ;)

    In my case - which I heartily have to say thank you for those words in my last post - I have reached the meh! in both. Sure I can force myself and still write about it, but I won't enjoy it. I'm trying to give the finishing touches to some stories I wrote a long time ago - unfinished in some aspects - and just that. But nothing absolutely new!

    I'm sure that given the time, Caitlyn will come back whether you like it or not. She likes this place and you showed it to us, everyday :)

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

    1. I can see where you are coming from Alectra... but as time continues to march on I'm more and more sure that Caitlyn won't ever fully come back. As Dee put it in an earlier comment, my new routine wasn't 'routine' yet. Getting up at the god awful early hour was throwing me off. I'd be dead tired when I got back from work and honestly for the first week I'd just veg out in front of the television. I barely had 'time' to get in front of the computer, let alone give any time to Caitlyn. The second week was better, but I still didn't get into any kind of rhythm. What I did with my free time was more or less random and unstructured.

      But this past week, I've become more accustomed to my new routine. Work is still fluctuating, but my time away from work has become more or less standard. I get home, I get my travel coffee mug and lunch kit into the dishwasher, I change clothes, I sit in front of the tv for a bit, then I hit up the task that I have planned. Some days that was looking for a new car, some days that was looking for a new phone, but some days that was getting some seat time at the computer. At no time did Caitlyn come into my routine. It's not just that she didn't have the opportunity... I didn't have the desire.

      I can understand thinking that losing Caitlyn in the virtual world would help bring her out in the real world. After all she was a huge part of me for a long time. But at the same time it's not as though I felt like a less than complete person before she came along and enamored me. So by the same token, I'm not less of a complete person with her gone. If we go with the thought that Caitlyn was a distinct persona that coexisted in my head along with me, then she has simply left. Any desires or thoughts I have of hers are more echo than reality.

      I WAS falling into a 'meh' state with Caitlyn before this job dropped from heaven into my lap. I was finding it hard to make good and interesting caps and was slowing down my production to keep from making a whole series of bad or uninteresting caps, but Caitlyn was still firmly there. She was guiding my interests and making me want to produce those sexy thought provoking caps. Now there's no one pushing those desires through me.

      I believe if I put my mind to it, I could still make a cap. I could even probably make good ones, although I doubt I could make something spectacular. It's not as though I lost the creative side of myself, and I can still construct a TG themed story.

      (comment is to long... broken into two)

    2. For instance; Guy rummages through his roommate's closet looking for some weed... comes across a big box with a body suit in it... tries it on to see what all the fuss is about and finds out that it has a timed lock that will keep him in it for two days.. the roommate's brother walks into their apartment and seeing a beautifully sexy naked woman puts his moves on her... the horrified guy in the suit wants to deny it, but the body suit encouragement to act like the sexy woman he appears to be (pleasure?) and discouragement when he acts otherwise (pain?)... when the roommate comes home he finds his friend kneeling down and blowing his brother and knows that he has to keep up the charade or his brother will kill him (for having the body suit in the first place and/or for letting a guy in a suit go down on him)... so he ramps up the suits encouragement/discouragement routines ensuring that his friend will remain the slutty sexy submissive girl for the rest of the weekend.

      I think with the right image that could make a good cap. Normally when I consider a scene like that, Caitlyn would get a sexual energy that would drive me on to make it. But now? Nothing. I have the same passion to make that into a full story and cap as I would to do my niece's math homework. And if I make a cap without that passion running through me it could never be great... at best it would be passable, and at worse it would be flat and as uninteresting as reading this write-up.

      So... while I hate to disagree, I don't that Caitlyn will come back.