Body Sculpting

A new cap!!?

Before you get all 'YAY Caitlyn is back to capping', let me say that I have no idea how much I'll be capping, and that this process is a little different for me.  Even if the end result is similar to my previous work.

First, I still don't feel at all like Caitlyn.  This cap came completely from 'Calvin'.  Second, I doubt I'll return to my more hardcore/slutty/XXX/smutty/dirty roots.  The desires to work from that perspective came almost entirely from Caitlyn.  It seems that while she was far more interested in exploring a sexually explicit fantasy, the desire to create caps still came from Calvin.

Hmm... talking about myself like this is going to give me a headache.   Lemme try this another way.  --> I <-- have a desire to be creative.  Specifically I've had a long standing desire to create visually stimulating images (and when I say 'visually stimulating' I'm not talking about sexually arousing... I'm talking about interesting visuals).  Whether that be photographs or web graphics or company logos didn't seem to matter.  When my Caitlyn persona, or more specifically my desire to 'openly' explore the TG genre and theme came into focus that visual creativity found a wonderfully satisfying home.... caps.

Some caps were personal explorations of sexuality and sex, while others were an exploration of my writing and image editing skills.  Once my Caitlyn persona diminished and/or left, I thought that my cap making career would end.  I didn't and still don't feel any desire to explore that side of my sexuality or fantasy life and for the most part the very things that I found arousing and sexually stimulating are now turning me off.  When I read a cap involving a forced situation I now wonder why the subject doesn't run away or just flat our refuse, instead of letting the humiliating acceptance wash over me.

So while I can't say I was happy to walk away, it felt natural to turn my back on making caps.  The only problem... I lost my one method for satisfying my desire to create visually stimulating images.  Over the last two months (yes it's been 8 weeks since I last made a cap!) that desire has been building and building and building.  I don't have a camera good enough to go out and practice pure photography and I don't have any other graphical outlets.  So it felt like I was inside a pressure cooker without an emergency valve.

Except I DO have such a valve... caps.   It's not as though I can't write about TG themes.   Hell, half the caps I made involved themes that I didn't get a lot of joy out of.  And it's not as though I stopped looking at beautiful sexy women on the internet.  Sure, the story in my head changed while I watch porn videos or images (I'm now the guy, not the feminized woman in the scenario), but I still have a wealth of beautiful images that I see.  I guess since I've been looking at these images for years and looking for TG themes that it's a reflex to still occasionally see the spark for a TG cap idea.

For instance when I saw this image one of the first thoughts in my head was 'Those hands are sculpting some guy into his new feminine form and he's both enjoying and dreading it'.

Well... last night I was having trouble getting into a sleepy state of mind and chatted for a bit with Simone.  I had just purchased a new song (A doo wop version of a Miley Cyrus song) and it was driving me into that creative side of myself.  I shared that with Simone and she suggested I try writing a story, but I complained that I had no story in my head to write.  While I didn't go into writing a story, I did start wondering if I could use this creative spark to make a cap.

I didn't get into it last night, but this morning I decided to at least give it a try.  This image was still in my mind so I went over and saved it out (it's from a paid subscription to Wowgirls... a great site that you should check out!), put it into Photoshop, opened up Word and starting writing.  And to be honest.. it felt good.  It didn't necesarily feel 'right', but it felt good to go through the motions.  The closest I think I can come to explaining it is this... it felt like putting on an old loved sweatshirt.  You know the type... faded, worn all to hell, and no longer fit to be seen in public.  But still very familiar and comfortable.

The story practically wrote itself... I'm sure it's not great as it was written on cruise control, but I was able to easily go into that great and powerful TG world and pull out things that I used to enjoy.  Magic, forced, repetitive changes... about the only tropes I couldn't do were the overtly sexual ones.  BJs, orgasms, vaginal or anal sex.

Design wise I knew that I didn't necessarily want to go in a new direction.  This wasn't about expanding or even honing my skills.. it was all about flexing and using muscles that haven't been touched for weeks.

And of course once it was finished, it also felt good to post it here.  Writing a blog post is something that I haven't lost touch with as I am still writing on my private blog (you can read up on that blog in my goodbye post), but posting there is more like writing to myself and letting others read it.  Writing a post here is different in that I am writing specifically to YOU.

So... does this mean I'll be making more caps?  That I'll come back to the Haven and start trading again?  That I'm getting in touch with my Caitlyn side and will go back to roll playing and capping and exploring the intoxicating feminine side of my mind?

No.

But it does mean that when I get this pent up creative urge and can't find another way to release it that I'll be able to come back here, throw on my old comfortable sweatshirt and hopefully share something interesting with all of you.