Sunday, March 5, 2017

Trying to Hold on

but it's so hard right now

It's been over two months since my last post, and I'm sorry about that.  Unfortunately I've lost track of Caitlyn again.  She's just... gone.  For the last two weeks I've stepped away from D+X and that's hard for me to do.  Not only do I get real honest enjoyment with my friends there, it's also a daily affirmation that I'm ok.  That there are many many people who feel the same way as I do... or at least in a similar way.

But it's just not comfortable for me to be there.  Its actually quite awkward to see people acknowlege me as a woman.  And it's not like there is an easy way for me to separate how I feel and how people see me.  My name there is 'Miss Caitlyn Cockslave'.  I could change the name... but then how would people know who I was?

The scary thing is that right here and now, this feels more like when Caitlyn left for a couple years.  I've lost touch with her a few times since she came back into my life, but this is more intense.  Or rather... less intense.  When she's stepped away the last few times, I've felt her absence.  I wanted her to come back and I missed being her.  It was like a loved person went out to the store in the middle of a good conversation and I was just waiting for her to come back.   But this time... she' s gone and I don't feel strongly about her not being here.

That's not to say that I don't want her to come back.  I do.  But only when I'm thinking about her.  When I'm at work or watching TV or reading a book or driving or at the movies or hanging out with friends... she's just doesn't enter my thoughts.  I'm not 'missing' her because I don't notice that she's gone.  Even my sexual tastes have reverted back to a far more heterosexual sense.  About the only feminizing thing that enters my desires is the humiliation aspect of it.  And I get just as strong a feeling of humiliation out of being a man as I do out of being a woman.

As an example, consider the title image I've used for this post.  A naked woman laying on a man with his arms around her... one hand on her back, one hand on her ass.  When I feel like Caitlyn an image like that would speak strongly to me.  I'd feel his hands holding me close.  I'd feel a shiver run up my spine from his fingers in the cleft of my ass all the way up to my neck.  That shiver might be from the humiliation of being held like that and it might be from the acceptance of being a woman and having a man hold me close.  But either way, it would involve me being the woman being held.  Right now though, I can practically feel the soft skin of her ass under my left hand.  There's no dark feeling at all in this for me... I'm holding the woman whom I feel attracted toward and am simply enjoying the closeness that this position offers us.  I picked it for that very reason... I'll know when Caitlyn's coming back when I see this image and feel that shiver up my spine and not the warm softness under my hand.

So... what does this mean for here and now?  It means no more posts.  No more Obscuras and certainly no more caps.  If she's gone on another extended absence, I'll post once every other month or so.  If for no other reason than to make sure this blog doesn't get set as inactive and deleted.

I posted this song over at D+X on my playlist diary.  I saw it this morning and it really sung to me in so many voices.  My mother singing to me, Caitlyn singing to me, femininity itself singing to me.  Take what you will out of it, but it's just something that will be rolling around in my head.  After all.... without Caitlyn I'm just a Simple Kind Of Man.


  1. Hi Caitlyn You know people change, we get older. Things were were important when we were younger get replaced. I well share a little secret with you. I was a long long time cross dresser maybe not ts but was always in skirts when ever i could. The full works as convincing as an ugly fat f@@@er could be. Then maybe ten years ago i stopped I just had no desire to do it any more. Now i do not know why (as after years of struggle and shame i think i had finally except that side of me) But any way its OK, sure i have the blog and an interest but i expect its expressed differently from from what it would have been.
    What i am trying to say in my usual long winded way is you are starting a new chapter in your life. Maybe captions, blogs, D X well be part of it just it well reflect the current you. Then again maybe you well not but its fine. Except the new you find you place and be happy.

  2. I can understand. Not sure that I'd want to visit anyplace where my last name was, "Cockslave" if I wasn't feeling in the mood to play. I've also not been around much either, as has been documented on my blog. We are all pretty accepting of you coming and going around here by now, so please drop in to say hi at least, if you can do so without dredging up any negative feelings .. and don't worry about having to entertain us! Just having you say "I'm still here!" is like a checkup to make sure you are doing ok.

    I'm guessing you are focusing on something else at this moment, and you seem to be the type that jumps feet first into something, perhaps to the detriment of other elements in your life. I hope you have a good work/life/friends/family balance to keep you occupied and feeling well.

    I haven't been able to access the other blog in quite some time so I'm not up to date on cars, cameras, your health and work etc .. but I hope it's all aces!