Friday, October 5, 2012

Why?

A continuation of 'Being Caitlyn'
If you are looking for a sexy fun cap, then please stop and back away.  This isn't that.  This is me trying to make sense of... me.   If you want to catch up, you can read both the post and the responses in "Being Caitlyn"

Much like my post, and much like my thoughts right now, this cap won't make a lot of sense.  My mind keeps going back and forth.  Denial, acceptance, sorrow, joy...they're all here.

I thought I had put these thoughts out of my mind at least temporarily.  I had planned on having a 'non Caitlyn' weekend.  But I found a song that I was looking for.... and listening to that simple and yet emotionally powerful violin cry out, compelled me to make this.

If you want to listen along, you can hear the song by playing the video below:


















19 comments:

  1. As always your presentation is wonderful, even when you present your torment between Calvin and Caitlyn you do it beautifully.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anne. I'm not sure I deserve the praise on the cap though. This is one of the few times that I didn't use images from the same source, so I find the differing focus points and contrasts to be fairly distracting. And even though the color is similar in each photo, some were lightened or darkened after they were colored, so they even stand out (especially the last panel). But thank you for saying it!

      Delete
  2. *Sob* woahhhh so much emotions going on there and while listening to it... *sob* Ah I can't, I can't express what I wanted to express but I understand you Caitlyn and I have felt that way sometimes T.T

    What can I say is what I have already said. You begin to morph the two personas into one more powerful version of Calvin or you can end in eternal sorrow. Stay Strong Caitlyn. There is always support coming your way from your friends... :)

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

    P.S: Stupid and depressive Bach and your depressive songs! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Alectra. But I'm afraid that if those are the only two options (combining into one or eternal sorrow), then I have a sorrowful life ahead of me. I just don't see coming out of this struggle as one fully integrated person. Calvin just doesn't want me fully integrated into him and I can't seem him letting that happen.

      Love your description of Bach and his music, but I'm sure you can see how that song led me to this cap... and since this cap helped me (even if it didn't give me a full conclusion), I can't be angry at Bach.

      Delete
  3. Beautiful and emotional, even without. the music (can't get it to load on my phone). Let me say first of all, you are not and will never be nothing. And even should you choose someday to give up being Caitlyn, that doesn't mean you the to give up being my friend as well.

    An interesting point you bring up is the thought of needing to give up Caitlyn to grow as Calvin. I understand that Calvin and Caitlyn are in some ways separate, but they are still very much two parts of the same person. I don't see why Calvin can't grow from Caitlyn's experiences as I'm sure Caitlyn has grown from Calvin's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kyra. First and foremost I agree... I don't have to, nor WILL I give up my friends. Almost all I do is based in fiction and fantasy, but the connections I've made with my friends are real and I refuse to let that reality slip away.

      Calvin certainly has grown from Caitlyn's experiences. He is far more open and accepting that he used to be. I don't mean openly sharing his desires and fantasies with others, instead I mean he is open to more things.

      Delete
  4. Of all the wonderful captions you've made thus far, this one (well, this series) is my favorite. It has the most raw emotion inside of it, reveals the most of who and what you are: amazing.

    You are amazing, and do amazing work. However the struggle comes out, and whoever ends up "winning", I think you'll be a wonderful person.

    Good luck with it. It won't be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Tracy. I'm not sure I could ever compare this cap with what I've created in the past. Those are all fantasy and designed with the intent for people to enjoy them. I never intended people to enjoy this... it's just another way that I can express how I am feeling.

      You're right though... this won't be easy. Nor will it be quick. But that just tells me that it's important and as you say, worth doing.

      Delete
  5. What's important is that whatever you decide to do, you do it based on the voice inside your head that's you and not something that "society" or any other outside voice tells you this is what you should or shouldn't be doing. If you enjoy it, do it. If it takes away from things you enjoy more then do it less ...or don't do it at all. That was one of the reasons I removed my blog and went back to capping on pre-existing sites. I've found just the right balance....for now. At first, I stopped all capping for a few weeks thinking I was done but then discovered, I enjoy doing this, why did I stop? Then I came out of retirement. Some weeks I cap a lot, some weeks I cap a little and some weeks I don't cap at all. But that's my story not yours. Whatever you decide, I'm a big fan and have enjoyed all your caps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Candy. While I would love to leave society's voice out of my thought process, I just can't. We're all products of our society.

      But I will say that I listen to my own voice a lot more than anybody else's.

      And thank you for sharing your story. I don't think I'd ever move completely away from the blog. I'd leave it up with all past caps on it, if for no other reason for it to act as a museum of sorts.

      Delete
  6. You may not think of this a a great work...but I do. It has the elements that drew me to your site and then drew me out of the shadows and into the conversation. It has great style and design like always. But what it has in spades, and why, as I have told you before you are my favorite, is depth and introspective insight. Your warmth and good nature seeps through most of your work and pours out of many of your efforts as well as your responses. I don't know you in the real world...but I know enough to know that I like you. In my opinion, being a thoughtful, kind, and curious person makes you special in this world...and being a little different is nothing to be ashamed of. It's ok to wear a mask some times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jenna. It's nice to hear that caps like this... that I never intend to be viewed for enjoyment, can still come across as enjoyable.

      And I appreciate what you say about me. The hard part for me right now is deciding how much time wearing my Caitlyn Mask is OK.

      Delete
  7. I think this is a work of art Caitlyn, It really kinda rings home with how I feel about Ginger... I know it doesn't help at the moment, and I know you are trying, but I think the way to bring balance to your feelings will come naturally when you get your career back on track. I think that once that happens, there will be plenty of Calvin at work, which will lead to more interaction with his friends, which in my opinion will shave away from Caitlyn's time, which will make it more focused and special, due to its smaller period. I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does... if you need to talk let me know

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Ginger. I think you're right... once I get something to balance out the 'Calvin' side of this mental equation, everything else will fall back into place. It's just frustrating getting there. And it's not like trying to find a job wasn't stressful enough, now I'm throwing something else of important on to it.

      Delete
  8. Ok im not sure how to write this as im both part of the TG capping comunity and not as the majority of my caps are not tg. Im also one of the few tg cappers that DONT have a female persona. But whenever I write or cap I often try and do it from a female point of view. And I spend a LOT of time online reading stories and caps myself. So here goes.
    Calvin what you do here is a hobby. I know it feels like a lot more and im sure that it often feels like a huge part of your life but that is what it is. If you neglect your frineds and family they will go away eventualy. You need them and they need you. I know that is a rough and unsympathetic way to say it but its the TRUTH. And you know it.
    Now that that is said im going to say something to Caitlyn.
    I know you are upset with me for saying what I jest did. And I know you are an importnat part of Calvin, but you need to let him be himself enough that he maintaines himself. I understand that he is your access to your online friends, but dont hurt this good man. If you take away the social parts of his life it will lead to despair and then he will resent you and that will be painful to you both. Dont do it. If you do there will come a day when there will be no candy for Caitlyn. No sex, no naughty yummy feelings. Only pain. And not the good kind.
    CALVIN play as you wish with Caitlyn all you want but do not let it interfear with YOUR life. Give her some time online so she can shine, but not too much.
    P.S. This was a very pretty cap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Geofrey, whether you are a member of the TG community or not, or speak from a femme perspective or not, I'll always value your input.

      With that being said, I'm not sure I would look at my time spent as 'Caitlyn' as a hobby. Some of the acts I do while in that mindset certainly are hobbies... making caps and roll playing... but the overall experience is more about me trying to express a side of myself that I don't truly understand and that I can't accept.

      The most simple solutions would be to either fully accept Caitlyn as part of me, or to push her completely out of my life. But I can't do either. I know what living without her was like and as frustrating as this is now, I don't want to return to that closeted life. And I just can't fully embrace her as part of me. Yet.

      Delete
  9. This is art. You have taken your internal pain and expressed it beautifully through an external medium so others can share in the experience. It's pure, raw, vulnerable, and breathtakingly beautiful. I have loved so many of your captions, but this is on a completely different level. All I can really say is thank you for sharing something so personal and powerful with the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Rauk. I've heard that artistic works transcend into true art only when they both come from true emotions and evoke true emotions. I don't think I ever understood that before now. While I don't like many technical things with this cap, I can now look at it with a clearer eye and exactly recall what was going through not only my mind when I made it, but my heart.

      I almost didn't publish it, but I'm glad I did now. Now I'll look at it more often, and remember that I wasn't just being a bit 'off' when I think back to this time in my life.

      Delete
  10. More than any post, this one captures my heart, my soul. Thanks for sharing...both of you. :)

    ReplyDelete