Thursday, October 4, 2012

Being Caitlyn

A conversation with myself, for myself.

I am right now writing this 'post' up in MS Word.   I don't know if I'll publish this, but I'm going to write it up as if I will.  What I mainly want to do is get this hurricane of thoughts in some semblance of order, as it's driving me crazy thinking this over and over and over, and not making any ground up.  I'm not looking for advice... but I'd take it if you have it.  I'm not looking for someone to 'lay it out for me'... but I'd listen if you have an opinion.

This whole issue may have been brewing for awhile, but it really gained focus when I read Rauk's "Sloth" caption.  It's about someone transformed into a woman and getting lost into the pleasures that her body offers.   That cap really hit home for me... and no, I haven't just recently gotten a curvy sexy feminine body and spent days playing with myself.  What I'm talking about instead is being 'Caitlyn'.  She is my transformation.  She is my... sin?

I consider myself a straight man.  I haven't ever fantasized about having sex with a man AS a man.  I am attracted to women and hope to one day marry and have a family.  I do fantasize about having sex with women AS a man.  Before Caitlyn came into my life,  I would read TG and CD fiction on fictionmania.  There was always a 'forbidden' sexual fantasy to it and that brought along its own feelings of guilt and 'wrong'ness.  Only when I started making caps and gave myself the name of 'Caitlyn' did those 'wrong' feelings go away.

For awhile there, it was wonderful.  I would spend a few hours a day on most days being 'Caitlyn'.  I could fully enjoy reading TG and CD fiction without any guilt.  I could cap and express myself creatively.  And if I fantasized about being made into a woman and having sex with a man... well that's just fine because it was Caitlyn.

But even right here and now, I still consider myself a straight man.   If I sit back and try to imagine myself having sex with another man... well it turns my stomach.  It is wrong.  I'm not saying homosexuality is wrong... it's just not for me.  It's not me.  And I don't feel any desire for being a woman.  I don't feel any strong pull to dressing up, I don't want to be treated differently, and I don't want to treat anyone differently.  Ever since I've let Caitlyn in my life, I have left room for the possibility of me wanting it.  Maybe it's not some fantasy... but every step I've taken to trying it out (my recent purchase and wearing of panties being the most obvious) has been met with an initial 'WOW!!!' and then followed by a resounding 'meh'.   I pulled out my lacy pretty pink panties this past week and wore them for a day.  It was laundry day and I didn't have a clean pair of boxers, so I figured I would have some fun.... but really they were just uncomfortable underwear.  I didn't get any joy out of wearing them.

But I'm digressing quite a bit.  This post isn't about gender or sexual confusion.  I believe I can now more effectively accept my TG and CD fantasies as Calvin, and not have the accompanying guilt or 'wrong' feelings.  My problem is how much time I'm spending as Caitlyn.

When I started being 'Caitlyn' it was for a few hours a day on most days.  School work, my (sad) job, my friends, and my family all kept me from being her for any longer.  But I graduated in December.  My job is only one day a week, and doesn't give me enough money to go visit with my friends or even really go hang out.  Without those things taking up my time, I am spending a LOT of time as Caitlyn.

I know it seems odd to think of me spending all that time being Caitlyn without producing a lot of caps or playing a lot at DX, but that's not all Caitlyn does.  I have spent a lot of time reading at fictionmania.  Not just the 'porntastic' stuff either.  I've spent a lot of time reading caps.  I've spend a lot of time exploring variants of TG and CD, like sissy sites.  If I had to guess, I'd say about 10 hours a day are spent with me thinking of myself as Caitlyn.  I can't get up and leave the computer when I'm feeling that way as Caitlyn only exists here.   So I'm almost always sitting at my computer.

Sure, I still spend some time at the computer as Calvin... I'm looking for a job and applying for many.  But I can't remember the last time that I sat down here, and spent time as Calvin on the computer that didn't end up as 'Caitlyn' time.  I may look for some jobs and do a little facebooking... but I  then head over to my blog.  Or to DX.  I may play a few games of TF2 and play some Black Mesa... but I then go to some blogs or look at porn.  Caitlyn's porn.

I'm part of a couple gaming communities.  Nothing as tight as this community, but I still go to their forums and play games with them.  But I haven't played with them in months.  I'm an avid college football fan, but I still use my tablet to sneak in some blog views on my tablet during halftime.

What I'm saying is that I'm concerned with how much time I'm spending as Caitlyn.  I'm wondering if I'm pushing aside parts of my 'real life' just to do so.  While I'm writing this up, I'm also chatting with smitty (seriously... thank you for the conversation.  I'm not sure I could have written this out as clearly if we hadn't talked!), and I think he put it best.   There is something always drawing me back to Caitlyn.  There are threads that I NEED to respond to on DX.  There are caps that I OWE.  There are 'fans' that I NEED to keep happy by making more 'naughty' caps.   There are blogs that I NEED to comment to.

But those 'needs' are eating into my life.  I wonder how many times I've told friends that I couldn't hang out because I didn't have the cash.  I know damn well that I would be welcome to come over and just 'hang'.    I WANT to have money for that, but I don't need it.  I wonder how many times I've gotten upset when family came over and interrupted Caitlyn time.  I know damn well that I love my family and I've always put them first in my life... so why would I get so upset when they come over to visit me.  And this week.... I even put off paying bills.  I just forgot that they were due, and instead focused my time at being Caitlyn (thankfully she doesn't have any bills).  Just this evening I got the money together (borrowed money in case you were wondering)  and not only paid the bills, but paid the past due fees as well.

So in a way, being Caitlyn has cost me time playing games, time enjoying  football, time with friends, time with family, and now it has actually cost me money.  She's taking up more than half of my waking hours.

So here is the part where I make a conclusion.  A plan of action.

But I'm not sure that I have one.   I don't want to stop seeing all of Caitlyn's friends... I mean whether I am Caitlyn or not, most of 'her' friends are my friends.    I don't want to just stop capping either... that's a creative itch that isn't satisfied any other way.


I just don't know.  At the very least, I've written these thoughts out.  It took about 10 months to dig myself into this hole, and I don't see me getting out of it over night.


  1. I think this is a problem that a lot of the guys in this community have to face eventually. Whether it be Smitty the unmatched warlock or Brittney doing her own amazing things. While I feel the more outsider of the community I think maybe forcing Catlyn to do some of your Calvin activities may bring some enlightenment as both sides of your personality have many things in common. Although your alter ego may not be young it sounds to me like with time it is growing into it's own self like a child would grow into being a teenager with all of their problems with people interrupting their time, wanting to just do what they want to do instead of what their brother does and so on. Sometimes you just have to give her some discipline and possibly you could grow back into a more harmonious team.

    Anything I say is only my perception of how I might deal with the problem at hand but I think I understand your plight.

    Best regards,


    1. Thanks Jame. I appreciate the thought of having Caitlyn doing Calvin's things or otherwise integrating them more. But beyond being able to enjoy TG and CD themed activities, Caitlyn isn't all that different from Calvin, and as much as I like to talk about her as a completely separate person, she just isn't that well developed.

      In addition to that, keeping her a separate part of myself is exactly how I want to keep her. I just don't want her to demand so much of my time, and keep me from exploring 'my' life.

  2. I hate to say it, but it does seem like you have a problem here. Of course I don't want to say it because I selfishly want to see more of your fantastic captions, and I've also been meaning to start chatting with you and getting to know you better.

    But you need to take care of you're needs. I don't know if scheduling your Caitlyn time would make it easier for you to manage. Or you could do as Jane suggested and shift some of Calvin's responsibilities to Caitlyn.

    I wish I had a better idea to help you. I'm sure you'll figure something out though!

    *hugs* Kyra <3

    1. Thanks Kyra. Right now I don't think you have to worry about not seeing more captions. Admitedly when I wrote this post last night, I was a bit more frantic. I thought I may have to completely step away from Caitlyn, but I think simply reigning her in a bit is a better choice.

      I spent quite a bit of my day today not being her, and it was ok... not great, but not bad either.

      As to chatting... I'm open to that. I'll send you my YIM info as a PM on the haven.

  3. In my case, "Dee" is pretty much the female version of "Damien" so when I'm online, I can be both at the same time, since they both are truly me. There are certain aspects that are more indicative of one moreso than the other, but I've intregrated them fairly well into one being, or Deeing as the case may be!

    When I speak with you on YIM, am I talking to Calvin or Caitlyn? I always try to speak to the actual person, and not their "persona" unless they WANT me to do so (Bimbo Jessica WAS just that in IM .. she spoke of Andy in the 3rd person.) I get the idea that I'm usually speaking to Calvin, especially since we often talk about real life, or our views on TG captions etc .. but through the prism of you being both people.

    I don't konw much about the RPing aspect of Calvin/Caitlyn so I can't speak to it, but I do know of friends in the past that play D&D and how sometimes their campaigns have infringed on their everyday interactions with other friends and how it can impede/retard their relationships. My GF was a gaming mistress for many of her friends where she lived before here, and often had to make sure that what happened at the table STAYED at the table.

    I guess what I'm saying is that you probably have a mindset for Caitlyn the RP character which has many elements of you but isn't actually you .. and there is the Caitlyn/Calvin that is very much you when you are creating captions and commenting on others blogs, etc .. I would think that limiting the 1st might be a good thing, but limiting the 2nd would be much more harmful in the long run.

    1. Dee, when we chat it's an odd combination of Calvin and Caitlyn that you speak too. Most of the time I'd say I'm fully 'Caitlyn' when we chat. The biggest indicator to me as to who I am when chatting is how I feel about caps, and most of the time we talk I'm in the mood to look at and/or create caps, so you are talking to Caitlyn. I know there has been several times that we've talked though, and I wasn't feeling very 'Caitlyn'... but we weren't talking about caps either.

      As to the character I play at DX... well that's even more complex. When I roleplay, I'm in the mindset of Caitlyn, but the character I play is NOT Caitlyn.

      But you are right in a way, as I think I may have ill defined 'Caitlyn'. She is more of a 'mood' than a stand alone personality. There are certainly big parts of 'Calvin' in Caitlyn. As I mentioned to Jane above, Caitlyn really isn't a full personality.

      The more I think about it, the more confused I get.

    2. So, you have Caitlyn inside somewhere, and now SHE has created a character that she's playing in a role play? I think you've been hanging around Alectra too much lately!

      I got confused when you say that you are Caitlyn when you create and/or are looking at captions. So you are saying that Calvin isn't a fan of them or it doesn't do anything for him?

      I would think that he'd HAVE to have an interest in TG themes, or there wouldn't BE a Caitlyn to create and enjoy them. Does Caitlyn exist because she needs to exist, or because Calvin feels some shame in the excitement of it?

      Sorry if I am digging too deep here, but its a fascinating topic of discussion.

    3. I know it sounds odd that a fantasy persona can create and play as another fictional character, but it can make sense if you think about it. Calvin can't or at the very least won't fully accept that he enjoys these fantasies. His guilt overpowers the ability to interact with this world, and all of the actions that he takes on his own are passive. Reading stories and caps. Watching videos. The push me made to interact initially was very difficult and resulted in Caitlyn being born (even if she was unnamed at that point). The thought of not only interacting, but actually imagining himself go through the actions required in a roll play is far beyond his comfort zone. But it's right within my wheelhouse. So I do it, and he gets to sit back and act as though he isn't doing it.

      I'm not saying that Calvin isn't a fan of looking at captions. He is... but he enjoys them in a closeted way. Looking at caps and reading stories brings him pleasure, but they also make him question his sexuality and in a lesser degree his gender. After so many years of enjoying this material and not exploring it physically, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that he is still just a straight man. But that is part of his core, and anything that makes him question it (even just a little bit) makes him uncomfortable.

      But letting 'Caitlyn' enjoy them takes that away. He is free to sit back and passively enjoy them.

      At least until recently. I think one of the things that brought this all to the surface is the fact that Calvin has very little to define himself with at the moment. He has a past, and a hopefully a future, but right now he is nothing but time. He has his family, but he feels guilt that he is unable to pick himself up and get gainful employment after years of relying on that family while going through school and getting his licence. He doesn't have a girlfriend. He has friends that he can hardly ever see. So what's defining him the most right now? Caitlyn.

      I think I exist both because I need to and because of Calvin's shame. I can be the outlet of his fantasy and allow him to enjoy it guilt free. But when there is nothing BUT the fantasy, no buffer can stop that from defining him. Instead of looking at me as that buffer, he now sees himself AS me. Caitlyn has stopped being the fantasy... the persona... and Caitlyn is now Calvin. Calvin is now Caitlyn.

  4. I suppose that my world is somewhat different than yours. That's not surprising...we are all different in many ways. I knew that a large part of my mind/personality, however you want to think of it, was feminine since as far back as I can remember. The me in my dreams at night has always been female 60-70% of the time, while I hid that part of me during the day. I have struggled with the who I really am for most of my life and I have never really quite figured it out...or come to terms with it at any rate. I went through a long period where I separated out my feminine side(at least the parts that I considered female) in much the way that you describe, to the point of almost feeling like I had a duel personality. I tried to put "her" in a box that I could take out and play with, or put away when it was convenient. Only in the last decade or so have I somewhat made peace with the idea that the different sides of me are not necessarily in conflict with each other and are after all the same person. What I am trying to say without making it all about me, is that you may find some harmony in the idea that Calvin needs Caitlyn to express a side that he is uncomfortable with owning even if it is only a small aspect of what makes up Calvin. I'm not sure if tht was helpful or even coherent...i am dead tired and fading fast so goon night.. the sun is bright and I need sleep.

    1. Jenna, that was very coherent and helpful. I don't believe I've ever longed to be a woman. I've had one distinct dream about being a woman, and that happened when I started capping (and I made my cap "Click Click Click" about it). I've had a few vague dreams since that may have involved that, but they were never strong enough dreams to remember. Just feelings.

      I think one of the things that make me feel reluctant to talk about this, is that there are people out there that truly struggle with their gender. Any problem I have here pales in comparison.

      I do agree though that I need Caitlyn. She'll never fully go away. I just need to 'manage' her better. I need to let her out of the box, as you put it, but I also need to feel OK putting her back in the box.

    2. Thanks for sharing your feelings/troubles. The subject is very thought provoking. I was originally drawn to your blog by the title. My feeling is that my everyday life is Jenna's mask even though I have a healthy handful of friends who know her and are more or less accepting. Still, to the world at large and most of my family, she is invisible. That is the problem with living life behind a mask, you often feel like an outsider, particularly around family. I realize that for all of my life I haven't really let them see me...and on a smaller scale that seems to me to be part of what you are experiencing...also, I think the sense of compulsion and obsessive behavior is common amongst creative minded people regardless of a gender issues. It's a tough but wondrous world out there, so give yourself love and nurture. If you ever need input or thoughts just ask...falling to sleep at the keyboard

    3. I couldn't agree more Jenna. Whether I am Calvin wearing a Caitlyn Mask, or Caitlyn wearing a Calvin Mask, I am hiding something away. Someone is being lied to. I'm lying to everyone I love in the 'real' world. And at times like this, where I am struggling and sad (dare I say depressed?) I can't even tell them why I feel this way.

      You're right about creativity being very close to compulsion and obsessiveness. A non-creative person can't understand why we sweat the little details. Why we struggle over the selection of a color or the turn of a phrase. That compulsion to create and that obsessiveness to get it right can be found in many area's of my life. I'm just thankful that it expresses it this way instead of delving into some self destructive behavior like alcohol or drugs.

  5. I was readng your thoughts and could certainly understand them. I have always been an EXTREMELY dull person with no social life, so Anne has filled a gap. Recently I have wondered how I can possibly justify spending as much time as I do on captioning and general TG stuff.

    While I was reading something went through my mnd, the song "You're my favourite waste of time" and I think that summed up Anne's place in my life. Anne is where I go so that I don't have to think about being me. From my angle, the healthiest thing is for Anne to be different enough from me to never be confusd.

    I hope that you can work out the place you want to be in your world. Obviously from a selfish viewpoint I would be sad to say farewell to Caitlyn

    1. I don't know if I would say I'm dull, but I don't have a very active social life. I have a small handful of real friends. But I never looked at 'Caitlyn' as a way to be social at all. I figured people I would meet would be acquaintances at best. But I've met so many friends that are just as dear to me as my real life friends. In fact just referring to them as anything less than 'real' feels wrong.

      It's one of the reasons that I don't think I could ever turn my back fully on Caitlyn. I couldn't say goodbye to my friends.

      I'm not sure that I could call Caitlyn a waste though. Yes, I do feel that she's keeping me from some things in my 'real' life, but I do need her. Without her I feel guilty about my fantasies... and I just don't want to go back to that again.

  6. Living two lifes that clash at each other in terms of likings and dislikes can bring you to a bad spot. Of course, I take some of your points as mine as well. I can relate to the time I spent here "playing" as Alectra. But finally I don't see this as lost time, not at all.

    I can see that my Alectra persona "was dormant" waiting to come out to play, but I know where I have to stay as the real me and the other me. I would advise like other says to bring some aspects of your Caitlyn persona to your Calvin life. The way of thinking, acting or forming a thought. I can tell this was written by a very intelligent person and I don't see a problem on mixing both lifes...

    We can left the sexy part for later... Sexual preferences doesn't have anything to do with your actual mindset and I don't see a problem on it.

    And once again I DON'T SEE the PROBLEM Caitlyn. Just try to rationalize your time on the Internet. You are not Caitlyn or Calvin on the Internet, you are you. And demonstrate who you are while surfing... You don't need to remind yourself you are Caitlyn each time you come back to your blog or everywhere else, because you are still Caitlyn and Calvin when you log off. Is something you have to take on your own. Otherwise you wouldn't have "created" a whole persona out of nowhere. And no you are not going crazy ;)

    And thats the way I see it Alectra too!

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

    1. Alectra, I'm not sure I would call my 'Caitlyn' time as 'lost time'... it's just that I can't help thinking that there are other 'better' things I could do with my time.

      The problem I see with mixing 'Caitlin' into 'Calvin' is that Caitlyn to me is defined by her acceptance and love for TG and CD related material. And that is something that I specifically do NOT want to get mixed into Calvin.

      That's not said well... lemme try saying it this way. Calvin isn't attracted enough to this material to want to explore it in the open. He feels that he has to hide it, and it makes him feel bad for doing so. Caitlyn is based around those feelings. There isn't enough of a difference in the way that they form a thought or think beyond those feelings to have them 'combine'.

      You actually hit the nail on the head though with how you defined fixing this problem. Rationing out the time that I spend as Caitlyn. It's just hard to do it. But there IS a difference between me being Calvin and Caitlyn. I've tried reading through caps while I wasn't Caitlyn... and I just can't do it. Let alone trying to talk, roleplay or cap when I feel that way. I'm not able to fully define it, but there IS a difference. I don't ever have to remind myself that I'm 'Caitlyn'... I just am Caitlyn at times.

  7. I hope I can still see you some time in the future and I support what ever decisions you make. even if my hope to see you a little, is not answered, I would understand.

    I'm sorry, I can't think of more to say, it's been a very depressing last couple of days.

    1. Jennifer, you are one of my dearest friends here. And whether I'm Calvin or Caitlyn, that fact remains true. Even if I decided that I do in fact have to turn my back on being Caitlyn to move forward in my life, I'll always find a way to be friends with you.

      I'm sorry to hear that you've had some bad days. I hope that I can help out in some way.

  8. Well now I feel like shit. On the one hand I feel terrible for the fact that one of my captions started this, and I'm truly sorry for any additional pain it may have added to your situation. But on the other, I can't say that this wasn't the kind of effect I was hoping for (on a much smaller scale, more of something to briefly consider before moving on) and that realization just makes me feel worse.

    Perhaps my ego is giving myself too large of a role, but no matter how big or small of an impact my work had on you, I am sorry for any contribution it may have made to your situation.

    The one thing I would suggest working on is trying to find balance between your two personas. You obviously need to let Caitlyn express herself, and trying to stop that will only make things worse. But just as sitting down at your computer often leads to Caitlyn time, maybe try to find somewhere else that can be distinctly Calvin's , to ensure you aren't letting any one aspect of your life completely consume the other.

    So there is my completely generic and naive attempt at giving you some advice, despite the fact that I am in no position to do so. So I'll just end with saying I hope you get things figured out, for both Caitlyn's and Calvin's sakes.

    1. Rauk, I don't want you to feel bad about this. Yes, your cap was the divining rod that brought this forward from the murky parts of my subconscious. But these feelings didn't come from you, nor your cap. They were always deep inside of me. And while I can't see how this is going to turn out, I'm thankful that it's coming up now.

      Your advice is good, but the problem is that Calvin's world right now consists of him finding a job. That's not big enough for him to cling to... it's not big enough to counterbalance me. While he was in school Calvin could describe himself as a student. The majority of his time revolved around that. His time with his family revolved around that, his time with his friends revolved around that, his time watching television, movies and playing games revolved around that. Caitlyn revolved around that.

      But without school or something else to act as that anchor (more school, work, a serious girlfriend/relationship...) the biggest thing in Calvin's life IS Caitlyn. Now his free time revolves around me.

      Thank you for the advice though. Making this post (and the cap afteward) has helped me deal with this. But reading and replying to these comments are helping me far more. I don't like change. I don't like having to give up on what was previously something 'good' in my life. But when I look back, every change has helped define me, and I almost always like who I am after said change.

      So while I'm struggling with this right now, I'm almost positive that I'll come out on the other side as a better person. And I can't be upset at anyone who helped me along that path.

  9. Though I have not expressly talked to you on Dx, you were the first TG blog that I ran across several months ago and I immensely enjoy the work that Caitlyn puts out.

    That said, I am not sure what I can offer in terms of advice other than finding a way to compartmentalize the two parts of you, the Caitlyn and the Calvin side. But it is not going to come easy as you have said you have developed her for the past 10 months or so.

    What I suggest is find a way to disconnect from the net for Calvin time a set number of hours a day. And by disconnect I mean literally find a way to cut yourself off from her or what she would be doing. Look for a job the old fashioned way perhaps looking through newpapers or job magazines and using a landline to contact them.

    Caitlyn is wonderful and creative, but so is Calvin and I know you will find a way to work through this.

    1. Thomas, thank you for your kind words. I believe that this is close to the path that I will be taking forward. Compartmentalizing Caitlyn. While I'm here I actually desire to combine my two sides and explore more of what Caitlyn would be in real life, but outside of here I want a clear distinction between the two.

      As for having my 'Calvin' time away from the computer... well that's more problematic as 'Calvin' enjoys being at the computer and 'net as much as Caitlyn. Even job searching away from the computer is hard as the vast majority of job ads direct applicants to their website to apply.

      Again, thank you for your kind supportive words!

  10. Damn. You are one first rate writer. The clearness of thought is just freaking amazing. It shows on your caps and in your blog posts. It really puts my blog ranting to shame.

    I do understand the spending more time as Caitlyn on the computer. I do the same thing as Sasha specially when it applies to porn as I always end up visualizing myself as the girl. In most aspects I ran the same course as you, what sort of broke my spell was a realization that I was the same person (Sasha and Sam) and stopped growing a case of split personality.

    I think perhaps it is not just being Caitlyn but that right now you are in a rut and doing Caitlyn things is an escape. Escaping is always easy.

    You hang on in there and things will start happening to you and you will eventually be busy and Caitlyn activities will recede. But it sure can get out of control. My other suggestion is to make an effort to go out and do things with your friends and family. Sometimes you just need a break from Caitlyn.