Monday, October 8, 2012

[Question] I'm very supportive of his dressing...

A question that I can't fully answer... so I come to you to help me help her!

So I received a question late last month that took me by surprise.  When I see that I have a question, I figure it's about a specific cap, a capping technique, or a question about me.  I've had a few people that wanted information, but they didn't offer much detail.  For instance "i want work in under mistress" was (I assume) a request for information.   Another better worded example was "How do i find a mistress in my area that can handle my footfetish that is very serious"

Normally I can't help too much in these areas.  And honestly, a search of google might provide the questioner with a better answer.  But this time, the question had a lot of detail, and while I'm not sure that I can help, I can at least post her question here and see what we can all come up with to help.  Here is her first question:

Caitlyn - I love your honesty! Briefly, my SO is a cross dresser but, even though he has told me about it and shared only a few times with me, he keeps it very much in the closet. I hate that he has a Flickr account where he shares pics of "her", enjoys comments of what others want to do to "her", etc. He also has a separate email/IM account where "she" has intimate talks or cam chats. He says he is faithful to me and that I shouldn't worry about these sites, but I do. Please help me understand his femme side and if it is just fetish/fantasy/kink or how to handle if he wants to act on it. I'm very supportive of his dressing and I'd love for us to incorporate it into our sex life, but (at least for now) he wants to keep it to himself. Please help. 

She included her email address, so I first responded to her that way.  I didn't initially post this as I didn't want to do so publicly and perhaps scare her significant other.  Here is my first response:

Thank you for sending in your question.  I hope you don't mind that I'm responding via email.  I wasn't sure if you wanted this discussion to be public and I thought this might be a more private way to talk.  Although if you are interested, I can put this up on my blog as one of my 'Question' posts, and let more people chime in and hopefully help out.  

As you don't state it directly, I am going on the assumption that you are a female/male couple.  Some of what I'll say is based on that, but the main thrust of what I'm saying can be also taken if you are a male/male couple.  

I'll take one of your latter questions as it's the easiest to answer, although it's probably not the answer you want to hear.  I really can't help you understand his femme side.  I can't say whether it's simply a fetish, fantasy or kink, nor can I tell you how to handle it if he wants to act on it.  The reason I can't help you there is that there is a wide variety of things that could be going on with your SO.  Cross Dressing just isn't the same for everyone.  

For me personally, its an exploration.  It's a far more emotional journey and fantasy than it is a physical one.  I've tried some cross dressing myself (I've worn panties under my clothes), but my living situation doesn't allow me the privacy to really explore further.  When I do gain that privacy, I plan on trying out more.  But it's not from a desire to 'look' feminine, rather it's a way to find out how I feel when dressed that way.  I'm a straight male who is open about the possibility of being 'more'.  Of being feminine, of cross dressing more fully, of even physically exploring what living and being a woman would be like.  

On the spectrum of cross dressers, I'd be on one far edge.  I'm not doing it because I want to be a woman... I'm doing it to explore how it makes me feel.  If I find enjoyment I may go further, but for now that's all it is.  On the opposite side, you have people that deep down know they are a woman.  They can only express that by dressing up as they feel more appropriate.... as a woman.  Most of these people are generally on a path of wanting/getting  sexual reassignment surgery to change their outward physical appearance to what the feel deep inside.  

Now these are two extremes, and there are plenty of stops between them.  And starting out on one side doesn't mean that a person will continue along the path to SRS.  It sounds like your SO is a little further into the spectrum than I am.  

If your SO is anything like me, this has been a long journey to get to where he is at now.  I didn't wake up one day and just decide to announce the femme side of myself to the world via my blog.  To start making caps involving Trans Gendered, Cross Dressing, and Sissy subject matter.  I started on my personal journey over 20 years ago and there have been many bumps along the way. I still haven't shared this side of myself with anyone that knows me physically, and I'm honestly not sure how I would react if someone knew.  Keeping this side of myself so close and hidden for so long would make it very difficult to share it with someone.  

So he may simply be having trouble sharing something that he has kept hidden away for a long time.  He could also be trying to keep his femme self separate from his male self.  I know when I've been in relationships, I've never thought of sharing my femme side... but my femme self wasn't nearly as developed as it is now and I'm not in a relationship at this time.  But I could easily see your SO as wanting to have you to 'HIMself'.  He didn't want to hide his femme self from you, but he may not want that side of himself to interact with you.  Again, it's not a relationship like you are in, but I have several friends that I only want to communicate with while I'm in my own femme mindset.  When I'm feeling more like 'Calvin' as opposed to 'Caitlyn', I don't want to talk to them.  

I think that the best way for you to move forward is to have a long thorough discussion with your SO.  You should know what this is to him.  Is it just a fantasy like cosplaying?  Is it a sexual thrill?  Is it him exploring himself?  Is it him moving more toward a lifestyle and even gender change?  It sounds like you are very open and accepting of it, and that's very rare.  Let him know that you are open to exploring this with him.  And make sure you emphasize that... that you want to do this WITH him.  A lot of TG and cross dressing fantasies involve girlfriends starting out kind and loving, but end up with them blackmailing and forcing the cross dresser to go far further than they are ready for (posting pictures online, going out in public, interacting with people they know enfemme, having sex....).  It's one of my own darker fantasies... but not one that I would EVER want to really live out.  

You may also want to let him know the advantages of having you explore this side of himself with him.  Helping him learn more about how to properly dress... helping him pick out and purchase new clothes.  Helping him with makeup and hair.  These are things that many cross dressers will scour the internet for as we honestly have no idea how to do it.  Genetic girls have the advantage of not only their mother teaching them many of these things, but girlfriends too.  Having a person taking a hands on teaching approach will help him explore things things further than reading about them, or chatting with someone online about it.  

I hope that some of that helps, and that the two of you can get become closer and really celebrate this side of him.  I'll again offer to put this up on the blog as a public discussion.  Not only could you get more advice on how to proceed, but you'll be an example to many cross dresers and cross dreamers... a girl that supports her SO in his cross dressing is something many people are looking for!


And here is her reply that I received a couple days ago:

Caitlyn - Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my concern.  I can tell that you really, truly thought about my situation and tried your best to shed some light on it.  I am sure that I am not the only woman in a relationship who is trying to understand her SO.  In this light, feel free to share what you want on your site.  Maybe it will show that they are not alone in this so-hard-to-understand-and-support-kind-of-world.  Having said that, I will address what you shared in order of how I saw it in your response. :)

Yes, we are a female/male couple.  He came out to me a few years ago.  Within days of him admitting he is a CD, he dressed for me and we "tried" to be with each other.  Even though we were both nervous, I thought that, we were a little clumsy with our new roles (girl on gurl) but I wanted to try other things later on.  You know, we would have a "traditional" sex life (girl-guy) and then, for some added fun or when he wanted to bring out his femme side, we would take on the gurl side and we'd enjoy some strap on sex.  Well, the more I fantasized about it, the more I wanted to explore that side.  Sadly, he tucked it away as quickly as he came out.  He didn't want to try any backside play or share any more of "her" - even if it meant talking about his femme persona.  He even went through the dreaded "purge" and deleted all of his accounts and tossed out all of her clothes.  I knew this would be short lived, and, sure enough 6 months later he opened up a flickr and new email account.  However, I thought FOR SURE he would include me in his new chapter.  Sigh.  No.  I was not included (again).

I think, because I am supportive and accepting of his femme side, I wanted to learn more about the "whys". You know, why does CDing turn him on?  Why does he have to go onto CDTG sites?  Why does he have to [sex] chat with other CDTGs or share pics?  Etc.  I just want help in understanding, but he won't go there.  Unfortunately, my brain always takes me to the "whys"...probably because I'm a girl and we always have this undeniable NEED to understand and overanalyze things.  Sorry, that's how God made us.

With what little information he has shared with me, I know he struggled with realizing if he's gay, bi or bicurious.  He is NOT attracted to men.  He's made that very clear to me and has put that on his sites. **Love to dress like a girl!  Only CDTG PLEASE!!** However, he IS attracted to Tgurls and is sexually aroused by them.  I told him he probably has a fetish and that has NOTHING to do with sexuality but I don't think he believes me.  He even went to a medium/psychic and she told him he is NOT gay.  I think this gave him some comfort, but I don't really know.  Anyway, I digress...

He's been CD since he was 9 years old.  Of course, he stayed in the closet and only started sharing pics and getting on sites about 5 years ago.  To my knowledge (and, yes, I've asked and I believe him) he has NEVER been with a CDTG.  He said that dressing makes him feel sexy and allows him to feel horny in a different way.  Unlike you, he does more than just wear panties under men's clothing.  He will have his special dress up time (he doesn't know I know about it and it's always when I'm away and he has plenty of time to dress, take pics and, probably, feed his sexual desire).  He is straight (he loves the female form and loves looking at pics of naked women as well as CDTGs). I don't believe that he is "open to the possibility of being more" and he is certainly not living as a woman or entertaining gender reassignment surgery.  I believe that he loves how he looks when dressed as femme (and he looks great, might I add) and it adds to his sexual arousal but he also enjoys being a man and being with me as a man.  

As for keeping HERself separate from him...I completely agree with you.  I think I scared him when I let him know how accepting and supportive I am of his femme side.  I've told him that I would love for us to explore this side of his sexuality and let us get kinky along the way.  We haven't.  And that bothers me because he would rather have sex chats and share pics with other CDTGs instead of letting me in on it or allowing us to see if it's something that could deepen our relationship.

Now, let me completely admit that, YES!!  I know this is shameful and that this lifestyle comes with a great deal of guilt and secrecy wrapped around it.  However, I'm the one who said "It's ok.  I love you and I want you to share this with me...just not with others in a sexual way [without me]."  Yet, he continues to find "like-minded people" online.  I've talked with other CDTGs in an attempt to better understand (which is why I'm talking to you) and the consensus is that I need to be patient.  That, in his mind, I shouldn't be accepting or supportive of this and that he's also just playing out his fantasy with others who don't know him or will judge him.  Yeah,  I get it, but it still HURTS and I'm still confused!!!  I mean, if you're sexting or doing webcam and you share info about your personal life (like what you do for a living, or give a pic of you as a man) then I feel that this is the beginning of developing a relationship, even though I know that these are kind of like ice breaker conversations.  Ugh.  I'm sorry, I've read what I typed and it seems like I'm babbling but I feel you need to have the detail even though it's going in circles.

So, yes, he has to be in that "certain" mood to chat with CDTGs or check his femme email or accounts.  That's where it feels like a split personality.  I have tried to communicate with him and his femme side.  I have tried to talk about it, but he says "it's just fantasy" and blows it off (i.e. walks away).  Just recently, I sent an email to his femme account telling him how much I love him and support him but feel like he's cheating on me with these sites and sexting with others.  Yes, he was very surprised that I knew his femme account ID.  That aside, as soon as he got that email, he was upset, came to me and said that that is "something he doesn't want to deal with right now", but he never answered any of my concerns.  I knew that if I continued pressing the issue, I would just push him farther away so I dropped the subject.  At least, with HIM I dropped continues in MY heart and brain.  Again, which is why I'm looking for solace or answers, or both, from you and others who are open enough to help me.

Sincerely, I THINK he has a fetish and this has a sexual thrill for him.  I say that because recently I helped him get a wig he's been wanting for a long time.  Now he feels like he can go to a CD bar as passable.  Of course, he told me that he wants to be able to go with his wife (me) and have a few drinks while being with people like him.  Of course, this makes me nervous, because I would hate if he's going to start checking out other gurls and start flirting or build up the gumption to go on his own and experiment with the gurls he meets.  Will he do this?  Is that his intention, to transition into going out on his own?  I don't know and I hope not, but I can't control this.  He's always been faithful to me and we've been together for 3 years but ... crap.  I don't  know anymore.  A few years ago, I asked him if he wanted to be with a CDTG and he said "I don't know.  I might..." but that was also while he was questioning his sexuality.  I think he's more firm in the fact that he's not gay and loves me but there's this cloud of CDTG arousal hanging over his head.

Listen, I'm not proud of this, but I saw one of his chats where he said he would like his "first time to be very special".  And POW!!!  Did THAT hurt when I read that!!  But, I also know that when there's chatting involved, there's a lot of bullshit being said.  You know, like "I'd love if we got together when you come into my city" or "Yeah, I'd love to meet you someday, honey" or "I wanna do **this** to you"... but there's never any intention to actually go through with it.  

Wow.  That's a lot of background, isn't it?  It's also a lot of frustration and fear masked in love.  Clearly, I love him and I want us to work things so that our relationship is deepened and strengthened but it can't happen if he continues to keep "her" separate from us.

I know this is going to require more than a simple email and I hope you're up for the task.  I sincerely appreciate the help you've already extended and pray we can continue.  As you can see, I am pretty open and not judgmental.  I hope I can get the resolution I'm so desperately seeking.

Much in gratitude - 

Instead of responding via email, I decided to respond here.  Primarily so that other people can join this discussion and maybe help her out, but also as Kim pointed out, to show that people going through a situation like this are not alone.  And perhaps... just perhaps... if Kim's significant other is perusing his sites and comes across this, he can see how much Kim wants to share in that side of his life.

On to my response:


The first thing that comes to mind as I read your response is how that first experience went.  You mentioned that you had girl on gurl sex, but that you wanted to try other things like using a strap on.  I'm assuming that you talked about it, but that your SO shut the conversation down.  And I see later that you mention that he was struggling with the thought that he may be gay, bi, or bicurious.  One thing that may have come up is a fear of the strap on.  Yes, you mention that he is turned on by Tgurls... but that attraction might be in him imagining that is what HE looks like.  So the thought of you using a strap on might have made him nervous or outright scared.

Now, you ask some direct questions.  "Why does CDing turn him on?"  That's a good question.  Sadly, I'm not sure I can give a good answer.  As I mentioned before, I've tried cross dressing (to the degree that I can), but it hasn't done much for me.  Certainly not enough for me to have a strong desire or need to continue.  Where I am drawn to the fantasy of being feminized, I'm not nearly as drawn to the fantasy of being feminine.  So I can't say why cross dressing turns him on.  But one thing you may want to do is focus less on the why.  Why are we attracted to the people that we are?  Why does one person prefer redheads over blondes.  Why does one person want to dress up in skirts and blouses while the next person prefers jeans and teeshirts?  You may never find out exactly why dressing up turns him on, because your significant other may not know himself.  This is actually where I specifically was hoping for some more help from the community.  If you could share with Kim WHY you enjoy cross dressing not only would she be gratefull, but I would as well!

"Why does he have to go onto CDTG sites?", "Why does he have to [sex] chat with other CDTGs or share pics?"  I think these both basically come down to the same question.  'Why does he join in and share with the CD/TG community, and not you?'. I think part of that is the very open and accepting community that we have.  I was really surprised by how accepting everybody was when I joined up and first spoke out at Rachel's Haven.   There wasn't a single person that asked why I was there.  They never asked what I wanted out of the community... they just supported me being part of it.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't ask these things of your significant other... but it may be comforting to him to simply be accepted and not have to explain everything.

You say that he recently 'purged' himself of everything.  That tells me that at least a part of your significant other thinks that this is wrong.  That he's still struggling with accepting this side of himself.  And not that you meant anything wrong by it, but by asking him why, you were making him justify it not only to you, but to himself as well.   I'm not sure if you read my recent post "Being Caitlyn" but I'm struggling with those same questions myself.  I have the luxury of doing this by myself.  Yes, I'm sharing it here, but I don't have someone I love, look me in the eye and ask 'why?'.  

I can tell you that being part of these communities... that chatting with my friends... helps me feel that there is nothing wrong with me.  It gives me a lot of comfort to just be accepted.

You say you believe he loves how he looks en femme, but that he also enjoys being a man and being with you as a man.  He may just need convincing that you can see him as both.  That even though you can share in his femme self, have fun and even have sex with him that way, that you can also still look at him as a man, and enjoy him as such.  Right now by having his sex chats and sharing that side of himself online, he get's to keep you fully to his male self.  And risking losing your love of him as a man may be very scary for him.

Patience is a fine virtue.   I think you SHOULD be patient.. but patience can't be everlasting.  Another fine virtue is fidelity.  I think that's incredibly important to any serious relationship.  Most people wouldn't accept their lover going online and having sexual chats with another person.  The fact that your SO is doing so while cross dressing and doing so with other similar people doesn't change that.

I think your SO has the world at his feet, and he doesn't even realize it.  Finding a woman that will accept this  type of 'hobby' or 'lifestyle' is rare.  Finding one that is not only accepting, but wants to be part of it is even more rare.  By all means, be patient.  Give him some time to realize just how good of a thing he has in you.  the hard part was sharing this side of himself and you accepting it.  Everything else should be easy in comparison.

You say you dropped the subject because you were afraid you would push him away by talking about it.   But I think you need to be open to the possibility that he doesn't know what he wants.  I think it's absolutely lovely what you are doing for him.  Just the fact that you are out here asking for advice shows how much you love him.  But that love needs to be a two way street.  It's wonderful that you love him so much, but you deserve that same type of love back.

I think if he truly loves you, then he should be able to talk to you about this even if it doesn't lead to direct answers.  Even fi its "something he doesn't want to deal with right now".

I'd love to answer all of your questions, but most of the things you ask can only come from him.   Does he really want to be with another cross dresser or a TGurl?  Only he can say.

I hope that some of that helped, and I hope that others that read this will chime in.  Above all else, I hope that you and your significant other can make this work.  All of us out here that are dreaming about a relationship with a loving woman that accepts this side of us want to know that it can work out!

Now it's up to all of the readers out there.  I'm sure Kim would like any help that you have to offer.  Even if you don't have all or any of the answers, she'd love to hear from you.


  1. Well, I'm a crossdresser myself, hvae been for 6 years now (since i was 11, but don't tell anyone i'm too young to be on here!). I am neither a fully closetted crossdresser, but neither am i one who will wear my dresses and whatnot in public... Yet. I do not wear the clothes i do for either a sexual reason or out of a want to be a woman myself, but more - I find it comfortable. I know i'm probably one of the few who is into the idea purely for this reason (and it DID start out as a slight kink...) But if any advice is wanted from someone different, my email adress is:

    1. I appreciate your support, Brooke. Perhaps you'll have more answers for yourself as time goes on. Until then, thank you!

    2. I have to say, I agree with below! You are rather amazing. When my girlfriend found out last year she actually told me to stop it or never let her see. So hearing that you're supportive and as you are about this, i'm actually really glad to see there are people like you out there!

  2. I think your amazing. I wish my girlfriend could be as supportive as you. I guess he just needs time, but I honestly think you are a truly lovely human being and your support for him is very moving. Sorry, know its not really any help, Just felt it it had to be said

    1. Wow. To hear that I'm "amazing" from you and Caitlyn really means the world to me even though it feels more like I"m trying to push his door down. I hope to have some positive news in the near future (hands together, praying).

  3. Hi Kim,
    I'm not sure if I'm the best person to answer, but I want to try and help if I can. Please bear with me if my thoughts seem a little scrambled. Its not easy to edit what I type on my phone and if I put this off I'll likely never get around to it.

    First, I think I should say a little about myself so you can understand where I'm coming from. Please don't take this to be a reflection of your SO or your relationship. I'm currently a guy who came to this community because I found the thought of feminization arousing. However, since then I've grown to the conclusion that I truly do want to be a girl (but I'll go into that elsewhere). I have also unfortunately gone/am going through a messy breakup of a 4.5 year relationship.

    I never shared my desires with my ex, at least not outright. I tried approaching the subject gently a few times, each time she got weirded out and I played it off as a joke and steered clear of it for a year or so. I say this so that you (and your SO should he read it) understand how lucky he is to have a gf as open and understanding as you are. However, I should say that while your reaction was the best most of us would hope for, it was likely not the one he was expecting. Its possible that your enthusiasm in exploring this side of him was intimidating. I know hat you love him, and I'm sure he knows that and loves you too. Were I in his shoes however, Id have that little voice of insecurity causing me to doubt your intentions. "She's just saying that to make me feel better." "She feels like she has to do this, she doesn't actually want to." Things like that.

    As for why he returns to the chatting and cam community that he frequent. You said he started that five years ago, and you've been together for three if I remember correctly. Its possible that his chats have become a sort of security blanket. I can't describe how reassuring it is for me to talk to people in this community, or how much I enjoy being referred to a Kyra. Yet I'm still terrified at the thought of someone I know physically learning of his side of me.

    There's a disconnect between the "virtual" world of the internet, and the physical world we inhabit. As such he may not perceive his sex chats as serious or an infidelity as they're only quasi-real. I'm not saying it makes it okay, and if they make you truly uncomfortable you have every right to tell him so. However I would avoid asking him to stop outright, it may make him feel like your forcing him to choose between his femme side an being with you, which is clearly not a choice you want him to make. I'm your to move on before I make that any more confusing.

    Why does he dress? I don't know. Its a very personal thing and only he can answer that. I know for me, what little dressing I've done just made me feel better. Not aroused, just happy, content and well I just felt more me. Its hard to explain and if you asked I probably couldn't tell you why exactly it makes me feel that way.

    Oh speaking of why's. Like you, I love to ask why. I thirst to understand. However asking why's of others and asking why's of yourself are very different things. Its a frightening and uncomfortable feeling asking yourself why you do something. So if you ask an he says he doesn't know, he likely hasn't spent the time to asks himself. Which is alright sometimes, but I don't think it would hurt either I you for him to do some introspective exploration.

    I think that's everything. Again, I'm sorry for the tangled mess of thoughts. Please take what I say with a grain of salt as I can only speak from my own experiences and guess at what your SO might be going through. If you want to ask me anything I'd be happy to try and help. You can reach me at Best of luck to you!
    <3 Kyra

    1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    2. Kyra - Thank you. To start with your points, I agree with you in many ways. 1) I believe that his CDing has a sexually arousing component to it. It's not like Brooke's where it's "just comfortable". He gets aroused thinking about dressing, seeing himself dressed as well as seeing other CDTGs in femme dress. 2) I don't think he expected (in a 100 years) that I, or any other GG, would be accepting or supportive of this.

      Without going into too much detail, as soon as he came out to me, he broke up with me. However, on the turn of his heels, he also came back to me but with distance that we've worked on over the past two years. Over these two years, he only recently let me in on the fact that he not only purged, but also started up again because he "missed it" (dressing like a girl and feeling those feelings again).

      He has modeled his new purchases for me (that I helped him with while shopping TOGETHER) but he did not want to dress for ME. I asked him if he would like to get all sexy for me, to which he replied "if I want to get sexy for you, I will do that as a man. I get sexy for ME when I dress like a girl." At that point, I realized that he doesn't want me involved with him in a sexual manner when he is en femme. Yes, I think I was a little too enthusiastic in my support. Here's another story to back up my feeling..

      This became clear when I asked him if he was interested in us introducing a strap on. He was (!) and I was giddy as a school girl...with way too much giddy. As we were leaving for the adult store, he confessed that he used to have a dildo. I was kind of turned on and excited at the thought that he had already introduced himself to backend play and, in my typical overenthusiastic mood, he got upset and said he didn't want to do this (go shopping) and that I "wasn't ready for this". Personally, I think it was HE who wasn't ready for introducing that element into our relationship, but maybe others may chime in with their opinions.

      In either event, I'd like this to change. I'd like for him to know that I'm not only open and supportive of him but that I'd like him to share more of his desires from his femme side with ME and not the online world. I hope so. I really do because in my heart of hearts, I believe that this will strengthen and deepen our relationship. If not, then it will be the thorn that festers and breaks us apart. Which leads me to the next...

      3) I never really thought of the online community as a security blanket but you're right. The element of sharing a side where the online users don't know your personal background, often times they don't know what your masculine face looks like is the mask Caitlyn talks about. It's easy for him to take a break from his reality and feel some liberation of his desirables (although that's another point to discuss). I believe you also said that these communities never ask "WHY" you're there (or any other imposing questions outside of sexually induced chats/comments). You're right, he has to explain things to me (good, bad or indifferent) whereas the online community doesn't want or require it.

    3. 4) I completely agree with you and the virtual world. Yes, his sex chats are fantasy and, perhaps, because his femme side is doing the chatting then that means he's still being faithful to me while SHE is having her desires fulfilled. I'm not sure if you caught it, but now that he has his wig, he feels he is complete for going out. He wants to go to a CD bar and have a drink with his wife (me) and be in the company of other CDTGs. I'm fine with this. But I'm afraid his femme side will start flirting with the crowd or seek an experience I'm not ready (or wanting) introduced into OUR relationship.

      This is delicate territory because it's not what every couple goes through. If we were a "traditional" couple and he started flirting or had other intentions while we were out, I'd kick him to the curb. However, this is different and that's why I'm asking for your help and support. To my knowledge, he's always been faithful to me (sans the sex chats) but this has a whole different set of rules or elements to it for which I'm trying to balance and understand.

      5) You're right again, my friend. It IS frightening to have someone ask something so personal and confusing when even you don't understand it all. How selfish of me not to think of it that way. Little by little, he has opened up INCHES about who he is under the facade of what most people know him to be. I've been understanding and accepting of all of it and just assume that he can rip the curtain down and let it all out to me because I'll be here to love and hug him through it all. But that's a pretty big risk. From my perspective, it feels like he doesn't trust ME enough to love him through it which is a quick reverse kick to MY gut that, perhaps, I'm not worthy of the full-on exposure.

      Kyra, you are wonderful for taking the time to write your thoughts to me....AND FROM A PHONE no less!!! Thank you, dear <3

  4. Kim - First of all my reply will be in multiple parts .. due to the text size limit of 4096 characters entered per post.

    Id like to address some of these issues a bit here for you before I actually answer the questions you have.

    First of all the fact that there are varying reasons that some people actually cross dress.

    1. Some find it a form of escape from the pressures of a businessman style day. In effect they escape to a temporary feminine side where they can express a side that has less responsibility perhaps as a housewife rather than the businessman. This type of CD is generally not overtly sexual if actually sexual at all, and usually is closeted. The concept of Cross Dressing for them is a venting method of escape from the day pressures of work life rather than anything sexual in nature.

    2. The Type whom enjoys the cross dressing because they are curious about the other side. Some such may experiment with their sexuality while alone and Cross Dressing but generally are not interested in actually being with another. For them it is just experimenting for curiosity sake and really nothing more.

    3. The type of CD who may in fact take it from the point of type 1 or type 2 to actually wishing to experiment sexually and takes it to masturbating and may in fact take it at some point to the point of looking at internet porn while cross dressed. Later some such folks even desire to meet others in a chat to discuss passing as a female tips or to discuss why it makes them feel sexy. They may or may not seek to actually physically meet with the other parties in offline life. Generally this type comes to two camps the Type A who is not bisexual nor gay in nature and for the first camp and usually is not interested in meeting others for sexual reasons while cross dressed .. and Type B who in the second camp actually is either Bi in Nature or Gay and will in fact be looking for that sexual Romp. Either type A or B could actually be married as well and wish to not share such with the married partner. The reasons could be as varied as the spouse being outside the fantasy for them of what they have always looked for or fantasized about. Then the fear that in some cases the spouse who may accept may have an ulterior motive for supporting the cross dressing. Such as maybe seeking to feminize them more than just the cross dressing part. They may have read stories on the net about women who pretended to still love their spouse but instead made them take hormones and feminized them as a transsexual and then treated them like less than a spouse while seeking another guy for their relationship. In the case of your spouse he may have had that fear from the point you suggested a strap on. It is a genuine fear for some CD who's spouses suggest such especially if they them self are not bi or gay in nature, but are instead straight.

  5. Part 2 of previous post

    4. This type is the type whom actually seek feminizing. They may seek it for fantasy of being a shemale like they see in porn (something that is not real in actuality as hormones will remove the ability for erection and actually shrink the penis over time). In porn however the shemale is shown as having erections of a larger sized penis while looking otherwise fully female. The fantasy could be for that. Some however Cross dress because they find the clothes to be of the gender they feel they are inside which is in arrears to their outer body gender. This type is the true transsexual who starts out as a Cross Dresser till they can actually seek help to transition to Female.

    One thing that may help your spouse to open up more to the idea of sharing some of this with you .. might be assuring him that you will respect his limits whatever they may be in non judging way. Also tell him that you respect that he was not interested in the strap on issue in past and understand now he had no thoughts of being a actual female that way in the Cross Dressing. Assure him that you never will take it further than he is wishing to have it go. This may ease any fears or qualms he has with letting you at least somewhat into his fantasy side or maybe even open the door to his sharing his sexual need while cross dressed with you at home rather than just in on line while you are away.

    Also I will add that his desires to go to a CD pub or CD bar with you along .. it may be him actually trying to open up in some small way to having you involved. He may need that actual time as one of the girls but want you to be a part of it in that way. He may also be seeking to have you understand that side of him by meeting the others at the pub or bar. You may want to open up discussion a bit on the matter and see if in fact any of that is the true reason he asked you about that.

    As to your fear that he may later decide to go to such places alone and maybe actually be sexual with some of the other CD folks .. remember that he also said he is not gay as that does pretty much mean its unlikely he will actually do that. The fact he may have said something on a website may in fact be just the fantasy some engage in in a chat mode. In fact that is more likely.

    As to him being upset and not really replying to your email to his account .. he may just see it as a invasion of his privacy for a part of life he still finds hard to open up about with you actively. Thus the bar deal may in fact be a doorway for you to get closer with him on these issues. Consider it this way hes likely throwing you a bone so to speak and letting you choose whether he opens up more or not regarding this side hes basically been keeping to himself and online while you are away.

    - Monica

    1. Monica - Thank you for your in-depth explanation of the varying reasons why men CD. Perhaps if you read my reply to Kyra, it will explain how I believe my SO utilizes CD.

      Yes, I think that this is a small window of opportunity he is extending to me to see him en femme in public for his first time. He's fantasized about it (at least to other CDs during chat time) and I hope it brings him comfort. As for the sexual component of it?...I hope you're right. It makes sense TO ME that he wouldn't be with another man (even while in the persona of a TG) but, like I've said, he has had sexual chats with other CDTGs where they share the size of their penis' and make comments about how delicious it is. You see, THAT'S what I can't compete with. I don't have the dangles down there and if he desires it, then he could get it satisfied but it's away from our relationship which is NOT what I want. I hope you're right that it is just fantasy chat and not something he would act upon. (hands together and praying with a sigh)

      Finally, again, you're right (along with others) that I invaded his privacy. He knew that I knew about his accounts but I don't think he knew I knew the actual account name. That would be a bit of a slap to the cheek to see an email from your SO in your inbox....especially when you keep it private from anyone else you know if your "real" world. I hope that he does continue to let me closer to his femme side. There's not a lot within our relationship that could continue to develop if he doesn't :( Then neither of us would be true to ourselves as individuals or a couple.

      Thank you Monica :) I appreciate your help!

  6. Kim -

    I would like to also add that I am myself a Male to Female Transsexual and work on a support and suicide prevention website for TG folks. We get questions like you presented to Caitlyn quite often. I am not actually listing that website or more detail about it as I do not believe Caitlyn would approve of my doing so, however if I am wrong and Caitlyn says so I am willing to list the link at a later date. I will add that we have as one of my Co Assistant Chat Directors there .. a wife of a Cross Dresser who actually runs a support group there for the wives weekly on the chat. Again I will only list the link if I hear an affirmative from Caitlyn that it is allowed. I do not wish to make Caitlyn upset with me.


    1. Monica,

      First, thank you for your thoughtful response. You brought up many things that I hadn't even considered.

      Second, by all means please share the link to website. I don't like people using my blog as a place to advertise, but I wholeheartedly support sharing information that can help people!

    2. Caitlyn - I am pleased to have been able to help.

      As to the website I am mentioning it's link in a separate note.

      I knew of your wish to not have your blog used to advertise another place which is why I asked first before placing the link here. I do not believe in placing a link without permission. :) Feel free to save the link and offer it to others either in private of here on your blog should the need arise for such in future.


  7. I think that there is a lot of earnest and useful information flowing from this discussion. I would like to add a little bit... Do not underestimate the power of insecurity. The illusion created by dressing can be fragile. Alone, when the mind is absorbed in fantasy, the illusion can be very powerful. The anonymity of conversation via computer creates a buffer that allows that illusion to flourish. Actual flesh and blood interaction however can bring a host of insecurities crashing down concerning looks, actions, and well as questions about who and what you are, where it is going, even what is real about my life. Oddly, you may be feeling very pretty and happy in your own little world and then if someone actually tells you that you look pretty...well, in creeps the self doubt...I don't know why that doesn't seem to make sense, but it is kind of like the way you think you look great with a certain hair style or outfit and then later you see a picture and it doesn't at all match the vision of yourself that was in your head. The mind is funny that way. I hope to add more later, but it is way past my be time and my thoughts are wandering.

    1. Thank you, Jenna. Yes, there is a lot of illusion in his online world. He takes amazing pics of himself and knows how to pose for maximum effect. He also enjoys all of the juicy comments he receives from his admirers. When we first discussed his accounts and online pics (before he shut down all of those accounts), he sheepishly (yet proudly) confessed that he had been invited to receive free flights to meet other men or TGs out of state. Of course, he grinned and said "it's just fantasy. I'd never fly out or meet them." But that was also when he took pics not showing his head. Now that he has a wig and has practiced with make up, he's showing that in his pics, too. So, for me, it no longer has that veil of anonymity (even though his femme pics don't look anything like his masculine side).

      **Sigh**. I hope the virtual stuff remains virtual and not physical. If he wants to share the pics and comments with me, that's another thing. As a matter of fact, we could utilize that in sexifying some of our experiences together! But carrying this on in private feels like cheating :(

      Whatever else you can add, I appreciate it. Thank you!

    2. It is a very difficult thing to open up to another person about these issues. I don't want to paint with a broad brush here because we are all so different, even when we are much the same. So, keep in mind that what I say here is from my perspective and experience and may or may not apply to varying degrees to your situation.

      At a very young age, I became well practiced at the art of was necessary in order to maintain a sense of self and to, at the same time, maintain an image of normalcy. For many years I kept it all completely to myself...and while I was probably considered to be odd, preferring to paint deer rather than to kill them and so on...I don't think anyone really guessed what was behind it. I was an artsy type, overly sensitive...they all expected me to be different. So, I stayed hidden in plain sight, and only started probing the possibility of sharing how I felt after I had moved away to college. Even then, I only danced around the friends were largely theater and art would think it would be easy to let them was not. Theater, did however give me an excuse for having makeup...whew. It was several years later, when I was in a long term relationship with my later to be first wife that I eventually, with much difficulty opened up. I felt that I had to in fairness let her know who it was that she was really involved with. She was accepting and even understanding...but it was still incredibly difficult and it took a long time before I let my guard down...mostly down anyway. There were a lot of half truths in the beginning...I couldn't just throw the door wide open...and then there was the issue of what I really understood about myself. I realized that it was hard to explain with any honesty how I felt about many things, because I just wasn't sure. Sometimes what seemed like the truth at the moment was in question later.

  8. Kim - Since Caitlyn said its ok to share the link to the website I work on .. the link is :

    When the staff ask to do a new member interview feel free to say I sent you .. on the chat I am known as Monica_Jennifer and I am one of the assistant chat directors. The other assistant chat director I mentioned who runs the group for wives of Cross Dressers goes by the name 4MySOJenn_ImMichelle on the chat room. I believe you would find her a valuable resource to speak to.


  9. Kim - As a CD ventures into the online world with images of self it tends to happen that others on line tend to encourage the showing of face and hair and such in the images which prior may have been more anonymous in the way of showing only the below neck area. The fantasy part of the feminine role of the CD is such that encouragement to PASS as a female in that cross dressed role is generally so pleasing that they often do end up showing face once they feel they pass well enough and also look different enough via makeup and wigs and such .. that they are not identifiable as the same person as they are when dressed masculine. This is likely the case with his now sharing his head as well in the images.