The end is the beginning is the end

This is what goodbye feels like

I started this blog in 2010.  To quote Dickens; “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”  I consider it the best of times because I was very happy being Caitlyn.  I consider it the worst of times because my life outside of being Caitlyn was dark indeed. 

Below, you’ll find what I wrote as a semi biography.  I believe I wrote it sometime in 2011 when I was firmly and lovingly in the grasp of Caitlyn.  I’ll share more of my current state of mind afterwards:

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Allow me to introduce myself.  I am Calvin.  And at the same time I am Caitlyn.   While at times it does feel that way, I don't have a split personality.  For full honest disclosure, I am a man.  I have many fantasies involving becoming a woman.  Some of them are in the loving embrace of another, while some are being forced down that path by a strong willed man or woman.   Whether you want to call it a Kink, Fetish, or Fantasy, it's all the same to me.  It's something that I fantasize about with no strong desire for it to happen in real life.

I started out my interest in all things TG a very long time ago.  I recall a photo set on a BBS (yes... before the internet hooked us all up!) that was of a very attractive woman and man.  As the photo set progressed though, I found that this 'woman' had a penis.   I was surprised, aghast, disgusted... and intrigued.   the intrigued part of me won out, and I searched for more of this.  Around this time I tried cross dressing for the first time.  The thrill of pulling a pair of panties up my legs was short lived, and the shame of it was crippling.  I slowly got over the shame, and tried again, but it did nothing.  I wasn't feeling 'right', I wasn't feeling 'sexy', I wasn't feeling feminine... I felt like a young man wearing panties.  Until recently that was the only time I tried cross dressing.   I eventually found fictionmania and its treasure trove of stories, and began a very long part of my life where I desired more of this, and hated myself for desiring it.

It took me a very long time to accept this as a part of myself, and not think of it as a sickness within me, or something that I should deny myself.  So it was my secret fantasy.  For over a decade I indulged this fantasy in silence.  No one knew.  No one would find out.

The sometime in the summer of 2009, I was expanding my fantasy horizons a little more.  Up to that point I had looked at photos depicting what I wanted (mostly of women that I could believe I was, although sometimes photos of she males) and read stories about what I wanted.  But at that time I found TGComics.com.  I don't know what drew me there, as honestly cartoons of sex never appealed to me.  Once there I fell in love with the art and stories from people like infinity Sign and CBlack.

Sometime that Autumn, I started looking at blogs.  They didn't have the fluid motion of the comics, but these image things with a story attached to it were addicting.  I recall two of the blogs I visited regularly... one was a forced femme blog that has since gone away, and the other was Rebecca's World.  Rebecca showed many caps that were created by artists from a place called 'Rachel's Haven'.  But when I went there, a membership was required.

Up until this point in my life, I had never 'joined' any site for this type of material.  It would have broken that privacy rule that I set up for myself.   Needless to say, I eventually got over that problem and joined.   The cap that brought me to the Haven?  It was by none other than Dementia herself.

And I believe on November 15, 2009 Caitlyn was conceived.  I won't say born because I signed up with the username of 'calv'.  Not Calvin as that would be saying who I really was... but calv was just different in my mind to feel safe.  But the community there was so friendly and open, that I felt myself grow to not only accept it, but to accept letting people know about me.

I should mention that in the 99.9% of my life that I'm not talking about I had gone to school and recieved a degree in Photography and Digital Imaging (it was long enough ago that they were still considered separate things!).  During my three wonderful years in photography school, I learned how to use Photoshop, and have been using personally and professionally ever since.

So when I joined up at the Haven, it was natural for me to join these two parts of my life.  Grab an online photo, write a story, embed them both and voilà... I made a cap.  I had been holding these desires in and only passively dreaming and reading about them for so long that when I started writing MY stories, it came out like a flood.  And each cap I made, each comment I left, each conversation I got into with these friendly wonderful cap artists... it all opened me up more and more.

I don't know when it happened, but I realized that there was nothing wrong with thinking and dreaming and fantasizing like I was.  It didn't make me sick or evil in any way.  And the more I thought that, the more Caitlyn grew in my head.  I don't think there was a seminal moment that I realized I had a femme personality... but I eventually asked to change my dull 'calv' name to 'Caitlyn Masked'.  I didn't want to be known as calv or Calvin any longer.. I wanted to be Caitlyn.

Caitlyn wasn't for general consumption though.  To this day no one outside of the capping community know about Caitlyn.  My family doesn't know her, my flesh and blood friends don't know about her, my co workers don't know about her.  But she is as real to me as anyone else.  She is the embodiment of my fantasies.

The more I started to accept Caitlyn in my life though, the more I started to question some very long held beliefs.  Was I a straight man?  Did I want to really become a woman? 

I won't go into detail about all of these beliefs, but I will tell you that I am happy being a man.  I am not looking to become a full woman now.  Would I try it if I could temporarily become a woman?  Hell Yeah! But there is no method out there that allows for that.    I have tried cross dressing some more recently.  I bought a couple pair of panties and wore them in various situations.   I now find it very sexually thrilling to wear these delicate little pieces of satin, but they don't make me want to be a woman any more than looking at a picture or reading a cap does.   Sadly, I don't have the privacy available to me to try more than wearing undergarments.  Once I achieve that privacy, I may try more.  Stockings, heels, padded bra, skirt and blouse, and may even throw in makeup and a wig.  I want to experience this, not only for the sexual thrill, but to see if I feel 'right' when I do so.  I've heard often about cross dressers that only feel right when wearing female clothes, and that generally leads to them wanting to change genders.  With how strong these fantasies are, and how happy being 'Caitlyn' makes me,  I have to try.  It may change my world... it may just become more of the same fantasy. 

But before, when I was scared and ashamed of my feelings, I would be scared of the answer.  Now I'm just curious.

So that's me in a nutshell.  I know that there is no way 1300 words can fully describe something, so if you are curious and want to know more, feel free to ask me a question.   All you have to do is fill out the form to the right (the form mysteriously called 'Ask Caitlyn a Question'.  Or you can read through other questions that have already been asked.

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I believe that really does encompass how I felt at the time.  But as all things do, I changed.  In July of 2013 my ‘Calvin’ life changed dramatically.  I got a job, but more than that… I found happiness again.   I hadn’t realized just how dark my life had been before that.  I had found solace in Caitlyn and clung on to that bit of Joy with all my might.  It seems that she was the life preserver keeping me from diving deep below the surface of depression. 

Once my life began to look good… I lost Caitlyn.  I’m still surprised and shocked at how dramatic that change was.  At one point I was happily moving along as Caitlyn, and the next… she was gone.  I had had problems being Caitlyn before, but she always came back.  At first I thought this would be just another one of those speed bumps… but I haven’t honestly felt her presence since that sunny day in July of 2013.  But boy, did I chase after her!

I still had that creative itch that making caps had scratched so well for years and years.  I thought that if I could capture some of Caitlyn’s mood, then I could cap.  Or maybe if I could just cap, I’d recapture some of Caitlyn’s mood.  Maybe even Caitlyn herself.   So I jumped down the rabbit hole and started making caps again.  But where before it could be beautiful, and easy, and wonderful…. It was ugly, and hard, and tedious.  I’m not happy with any of the caps I made since Caitlyn left.  Looking back at them, they are just a cry in the dark for something that once brought me joy. 

It’s not just her capping making abilities that left me… it’s her desires.  I still peruse blogs and read caps and read stories and try to find that spark of enjoyment.  Occasionally I find something that I enjoy, but it’s rarely the TG element that makes me smile.  It’s the overall sensualness of a cap, or the wordplay involved in telling a story, or the layout and design of a cap that brings me pleasure. 

All of this came to a head in June of 2014.  I wanted to make a cap and payback a cap that was made for me.  As always (at least always since July 2013) every step in making this cap was arduous.  Finding a picture, getting a story idea, fleshing out the story, laying it out as a cap and adding some design flairs.  At the end…. I gave up.  I finished the story and wasn’t happy.  I laid it out over the photo and wasn’t happy.  I added a title graphic and wasn’t happy.  I had lost all hope of making something anywhere near my normal standards, and instead of filing it away for another day or just trashing the entire monstrosity…. I posted it.  I gave it away in the same way I’d give away a cap that I felt was good.  I knew it wasn’t, but I went through the motions anyway. 

And after posting it I hated myself just a little bit more.  For a year I had compromised on making caps that made me happy, and I had finally compromised on sharing a cap that I thought was good enough. 

Well enough is enough.  I’ve searched high and low for 11 months, and still only heard Caitlyn’s echos.  As much as being Caitlyn made me happy, searching for her was making me sad all over.  Life had truly reversed itself… my blood and bone life was a happy place and my Caitlyn life was depressing and stating to drag me down. 

So… it’s time to finally admit that I’ll never again be Cailtyn. 

I do not… DO NOT… look back at my time as Caitlyn as anything other than something good.  Being Caitlyn opened up my eyes and my world in ways that I’ll always love and cherish.  But like an athlete that didn’t know his career was over, I tried and tried to keep doing what once made me happy.  I will now bow (or if you prefer, curtsy) and exit the stage.  I’ll probably still lurk and peek on to other’s blogs, but I will no longer allow myself to chase something that I don’t believe will ever happen. 

I’ll leave this blog as is.  Instead of leaving the light on or leaving the door open, I’m stepping away fully.  I’ll leave the blog up as I honestly am proud of the work I did and the caps I made.  If they can ever bring joy to anybody anywhere, then the least I can do is leave them up.  But I won’t make any more caps.  I won’t make any more comments.  I won’t respond to caps on this blog…. The pull of such activities is so strong that I doubt I could resist them.  If I did that little bit, I have no doubt that I’d eventually try to cap again… maybe make a ‘farewell tour’ of caps, or just add a little something to scratch that everlasting itch.  And if I did that, I’d fail but try again.  And again.  And again. 

No.  To do this right I have to step away. 

And stay away.  

My email will always be open.  caitlynmasked at gmail dot com.     It was wrong of me to say that I’d never become Caitlyn.  It was wrong of me to say that I’d always be Caitlyn.  So I won’t make the mistake and say that I’ll never be back… I just don’t see that ever happening.