Saturday, May 14, 2016

I was feeling sad...

From Caitlyn, to nothing, and back.
Wow... I hadn't realized two months have passed since my last post until I was doing my normal web crawl and saw Dee call out for me both on my private blog and publicly on her blog.  I also didn't realize how much of a dick move that was seeing as my last couple posts on the private blog were about me being depressed and even having suicidal thoughts.

So first thing I'd like to say to Dee and everybody else is that I'm sorry if those posts and the resulting silence worried you.   Even if you weren't on the private blog, I should have said something here about why I wasn't posting.  I kind of did back in February, but that's still too long of a time without an update.

The short version of how I'm doing is this... I'm feeling more and more like Caitlyn but I'm also still coming out of a pretty major depression.  I have felt zero interest in capping or making obscurras and haven't even looked for specific inspiration in about a month now.

The longer version:

So that depression hit me like a ton of bricks.  It wasn't just Caitlyn coming back, which in and of itself was actually kinda great.  It wasn't Caitlyn disappearing again which was terrible after such a short return.  It was everything.  I lost interest in work.  I lost interest in games.  I lost interest in my family.  I lost interest in television and movies.  I lost interest in my friends.  I lost interest in this blog.  I lost interest in DX.  I started to simply coast through life.

At work I have to regularly do suicide prevention assessments.  In a dozen or so questions I have to make a determination if my patient is at risk for suicide.  When I did that test on myself I realized that I didn't hit many of the questions but DID hit a couple of the major ones.  The bold questions.  The ones that if answered in the right way will alone trigger me calling in the mental health team.  If I were in the patients role, the nurse performing this assessment would protect me from myself.

I had an appointment with my doctor and told him about my depression.  We agreed that medication was needed and I am not taking some.  I'm not as 'happy' as I was back six months ago, but I'm not nearly in that dark place I was a couple months back.

So... what does this mean for Caitlyn and capping and stuff like that.

Well, I've recently started playing at DX again.  Sean was wonderful and didn't push me at any time to come back any sooner than I could.  I did have an idea for a cap (more likely an obscurra) that involved all this stuff in the news about transgendered bathrooms.... but it's not something I think I'll actually make.  The reason I mention it is that it's the first time in quite awhile that my mind even went to caps.  So maybe this bodes well.  Maybe this means I'll be back to creating and sharing ideas and caps and obsucrra again soon.

As always I want to be as open and as honest as I can.  And while it makes me happy when I can make caps and things it doesn't bother me nearly as much when I can't do it.  If the urge strikes me, I'll start making but I'm not going to push it.

I will say that I'm going to pay more attention to the blog.  If I go another month without anything creative coming out I'll do what I did the last time I was left barren... I'll post something else.  Maybe a review of another cap, maybe a review of another cap artist.  But I won't go another 60 days without at least saying hello.


  1. So glad you posted something here and in the comments of my blog. I was worried due to both the suicidal talk and just the other medical stuff you had talked about.

    As the Guardian Dee-mon, I have to make sure my flock is kept tended to and kept in line! I hope that things will continue to look up. You know how to reach me if I'm needed, via the bat signal, erm, email. (Stupid FAA shutting down my big ass spotlight!)

    Sorry, I just wasn't quite ready to have Caitlyn, Calvin, of just plain old 'C' vanish from my life if I could help it!

  2. Best wishes to you Caitlyn.