Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Guilt

Why do I continue to feel guilty?

I don’t know how to begin, what this is, or really even what I’m trying to say.  But I went over to Dee’s blog and saw a cap there (you can see her post here).  Not the one in the blue hat (although that one’s good fun too), but the meta one.  The one with the line “God! What are we doing, Damien?”.  The meta thought process behind that cap really got the gears spinning in the ‘ole noggin.  What AM I doing here? 

Before I get the frustrated sighs and eye rolls, no this isn’t another femme/masculine existential crisis of mine.  I’m (as I’m writing this) firmly Caitlyn and happy being so.  But I do wonder… why do I still make these obscuras?  Part of the reason I loved making caps was the design aspect and yet for the past two years I’ve all but given up on them.  It IS an expression of my feminine side, but I express that side of myself FAR more by role playing now.  I’m at DX a lot more than I’m here at the blog. 

So… what am I doing here?  One thing that comes to mind is the obvious… I’m doing something far different than when I first started blogging or capping.  But that makes sense to me.  I started this blog up about six and a half years ago and was capping for a little bit before that.   That’s a long time.  Consider some of these differences between then and now:

Then:  I was in school for my nursing degree.  My father had passed away just a few years ago.  I was going through a major depression.  I was dirt poor and living with my mother.  I spent the majority of my time losing myself into any fantasy that I could.  Reading, watching TV, watching movies, playing video games. 

Now:  I’m a working nurse.  I’ve had no major losses since my father and that’s now over 10 years ago.  I know and accept that I was depressed and take medication to ensure that when I fall into that pit, it’s not nearly as deep or scary.  I honestly have more money than I know what do to with.  I still live with my mother, but now it’s by choice and to help care for her.  I spend the majority of my time working, and try to cram all of my ‘fun’ activities in the remaining few hours (visiting with friends, traveling, reading, watching TV, watching movies, playing video games…). 

Just taking the school/work situation and the resulting financial situation into mind, that’s a really big change to deal with.  It hits just about every aspect of my life.  So… why should my feminine life NOT be affected by it?  Being Caitlyn is a part of me… but actively being her (capping or role playing) has been reduced from a dozen hours a day to a few minutes a day.  And the time that I’m ‘me’ is being pulled at by all of my other desires.   

Like today… let’s look at today.  I had yesterday off for the Holiday and since I worked the weekend I have today off.  Today my to-do list includes getting a haircut, my weekly shopping for work-lunch supplies, adding shopping for weekly dinners (mom is with her sister so my brother and I are cooking), doing my laundry, cleaning up the car, cleaning up my bedroom, doing some planning for my upcoming trips (July, September, and next February), sorting and taking care of my accumulation of mail, paying some bills, trying to get my car fixed (probably going to fail at that), figuring out why my phone is losing it’s battery so fast, cleaning up the basement, shopping for a new camera lens, hopefully going out with the camera and taking some photos, trying to figure out a way to sort my socks (got some new colorful socks that are white when folded up making the color a mystery until I am ready to put them on), looking for some new shirts (I’d like at least two more for the upcoming trips). 

That’s a lot to do in a single day off.  Much, if not most, of that will get delayed until the upcoming weekend.  OH… and I wanted to start my day with making a few obscuras (fuskator is down otherwise I’d probably be doing that instead of visiting Dee’s blog), and of course playing at DX.  A similar day back when I started this blog would have been more like this:

Do some homework.  Make caps, hang out at Rachel’s Haven.  Keep doing the latter until it’s time for bed. 

That’s a pretty big change up.  Around that change-up, however, I’ve been wrestling with myself about how much I cap or make obscuras or play at DX.  Honestly, it’s worried me and bothered me.  And just taking this step back and looking upon what I’ve done and what I’ve become bring me a lot of solace.  A lot of peace.  You see… it shouldn’t bother me that I’m spending less time here and less time doing these things. 

I only have to be me.  Not Dee, not Barbara, not Rachel, not Alleria, not Petra… not any single person that I’ve tried to emulate and be more like.  Just be me. 

And the more that I think about it, the more I get comfortable with the idea.  I mean look… I wrote once on my other blog that I haven’t had a long run of good luck or good times.  A year here, a year there.  But nothing even approaching four good years.  And I’m currently experiencing my fourth good year.  Good or bad, my interest have always faded and changed and morphed.  So again… why wouldn’t I expect my desires to cap and write and play to change too over such a period?  It’s not logical to expect my desires to ‘come back’ to what they were.  I don’t expect to enjoy reading Dungeons and Dragons fiction books any longer.  I don’t expect to enjoy PLAYING Dungeons and Dragons anymore. 

In the short term, I expect that these thoughts and acceptance of changes will result in one major thing;  I’m going to stop feeling guilty for not capping.  I often feel guilty for not coming here to this blog and making something.  That’s just gonna stop.  Not the making… just the feeling guilt for NOT making.  I’m going to accept that I don’t peruse cap blogs any longer.  I just don’t.  Even Dee’s blog… I visit it once or twice a month and even then only read a post or two.  I’m far more interested in finding out what’s going on in her life than reading her caps.    

It does leave the question of what I’m going to do with this and my private blog.  I still want the caps and obscuras to be here.  I actually just had someone express to me on D+X that reading my material here inspired them to come back and play again.  I find that entirely satisfying.  If I can help someone accept their feminine side, their feminine desires, or even just keep them interested in this material, then that’s worth it.  The posting to my private blog has dropped off dramatically.  Part of that is readership, but I don’t yet know how to share myself as fully as I do there with everybody.  I’m giving very serious thought to making that blog public again.  I mean, it’s not like I share my name there.  If someone knows me in real life, they could connect the dots, but a stranger would never get enough personal information about me to find me.  So having it public might inspire me to write more about my life.  About my job, my bad financial management, about my likes and dislikes.  Writing about stuff like that helps me dig deeper into my own personal thoughts and much like this post… make me more aware of what’s pushing me to do or not do certain things. 

And what’s the worst that could happen if it went public?  A family member, a friend, or a cowoker could figure out who I am.  But you know what… that’s a Rubicon I’ve kind of wanted to cross for a while now.  To admit to someone physically that there’s a part of me that’s feminine.  That I’m Caitlyn.

OK… I’m rambling now.  I’m gonna go play at DX for a while then get my busy day started.  Ta Ta everybody!

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry that some of my captions give you existential dilemmas.

    I figured the reason you come back here, now and again, is that you have a different set of friends here than you do at the other place. Erin and I, among a few others, just do captions and don't have any desire to role play. Kaaren and Leeanne have no need for DX as they are already living that sort of lifestyle in real life. This is your connection to these people. Sure you could go and visit us from time to time to say hi, but it's probably more convenient for you to just make a post or two every three-four months. I was pretty fine with it, and truth be told, was about to send you an email the other day to make sure you were still doing ok.

    I haven't been to your other blog because it wasn't allowing me in for some reason. I think it's been 6-8 months since I have seen it. I am glad that you've integrated Caitlyn into your actual self. If was quite a battle there for some time!

    And going public? I wouldn't wish that upon anyone as I know 2 people that have had that happen within the confines of the Haven. One managed to turn it into a somewhat positive thing, but he was in a more unique situation. I would recommend that you remain in the shadows (behind the mask!) for a bit longer, especially with the political situation the way it is right now.

    It was great seeing an update from you, as all of us have seen you evolve throughout the years. I wish you continued success in your life and a continued connection to us somehow.

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    1. Thanks for responding Dee! No need to be sorry about your caps giving me dilemma. I’ve always found a strong attraction to things that make me sit back and think. It’s just one of the many reasons I like your caps!

      That’s kind of the reason I come back here and post. I DO want to connect with the friends I have here even if my interests have changed and faded. I think it’s one of those things that makes internet friendships so different than RL friendships. Many, if not most, internet friendships are based around one strong attracting thing. It’s not just this TG attraction we share here, as I’ve had gaming friends that I feel I’ve left behind. Did I ever mention that? I don’t game nearly as much as I used to and have left another community behind there. But anyway… when I have friends in RL we tend to connect with one thing but the friendships expand and cover so much more ground that when our interests change it doesn’t affect the friendship. At least not as deeply. But here online the friendships often seem to be more one dimensional. It doesn’t make them any less real… just different I guess.

      But yeah… I want to connect to the friends ‘here’ that I don’t have ‘there’. I guess that’s why I’m strongly leaning toward making that other blog public. I’m fine with sharing more of my life than I do here on this blog, but I also know there’s an audience that wouldn’t like that. They want to see the caps and obscura and I still want to cater to them too. It feels petty when I say that (catering to an audience), but I was once a member of that audience and the art brought me into this community, so if my art can do the same for some people then I want to keep that going.

      As for going public. Yeah… that was a line of thinking that just wasn’t well thought out. I think I’d be happy to share this with my friends. People that end up as my true friends are good people and I believe the friendships are deep enough that this wouldn’t faze them. My family is a different group of people. I’d like to think that they’d come around and understand it, but at best I think it would take a long time (years?) and at worst I have to admit that they might never come around. And as much as that’s a black mark on their character, they’re still my family and I don’t want to lose them. So… yeah. The only think that really insulates me from them finding out is that if they admit they found ‘me’ here…. They’d have to admit to coming here. That alone would open doors.

      And forgive my crassness… but fuck the political situation. I hate that this hateful situation is even here and I will NOT bow down at all to it. In fact, in areas of my life that it’s acceptable (i.e, not work!), I’ve become MORE vocal about opposing hate. To be honest, the current political climate makes me WANT to open up more and share what I am. I want these small minded, hateful, bitter people to look me in the eye and not tell me that ‘those people’ are wrong or sinful or bad… I want them to try and tell me that ‘I’ am wrong or sinful or bad.

      Okokok… climbing off the high horse. It feels really good to reconnect with you Dee. I’m sorry that I’m not around as much. While I’m not going to feel guilty about not creating as much as I used to, I do feel guilty about losing touch with you and my other friends here.

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  2. I'm just glad to know that somewhere you are still here. I've always enjoyed knowing you and conversing with you! Regardless I always want you happy!

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