I know I used to write more about my journey with Caitlyn here. That's stopped for a lot of reasons. The main one being, I just don't have a lot to say about that side of myself any more. I talk about it with my friends at D+X, but that's during live chats and not anything that's thought out or designed for posting here. When I do feel about talking about that side of myself, I'll do it more often at my other blog where I go on and on about the other boring things in my life.
Well... I've lost touch with Caitlyn again. I wouldn't mention it here as even when I'm in touch with her, I may not post a cap or obscurra for weeks or months at a time. But this time I posted a longer thought process on that side of myself. Kind of a 'what is Caitlyn' thought experiment. I figured some of the readers here may be interested. It isn't exactly sexy or anything... not even in the 'I bought a dildo' type discussion I had before. But I thought it was interesting.
Anywho... if you're interested, head on over to Calvin's Musings (I've made the blog fully public now, so you can just head on over and read the "She's Caitlyn" post) and catch up. Or not... I'll eventually post something more here I'm sure.
Take care on your journey, wherever it leads.
ReplyDeleteMany of us are still here if/when you post, drop by our blogs, or want to chat through email.
ReplyDeleteYou've always been the type, from what I could see, that always jumped in head first right into the deep end of whatever you wanted to do. No half measures. Then you'll figure something out from it, learn, and then move on to something else.
I wonder if you've reached the end of the line for what knowledge and experience you could sow from this corner of the internet.
I believe that what you have now with "Caitlyn" and all that encompasses her is a substitute for an actual relationship in meat space; whether with a girl, a guy, or something that is more fluid gender-wise. In making captions, and people creating them for you in trades, you have control over what turns you on, with no real negatives, and no rejections. At D+X, once again, you are fulfilling a role, or are being led through, a fantasy that can be shut down at any time, with no repercussions .. well, online relationships can certainly feel and turn into strong emotions .. but it is still based on boundaries and things that are at your control. It is as safe as could be for you to limit your ability to get hurt on your terms.
I really think that you need to tackle whatever social anxieties you have and make some sort of connection within the dating mileau. It's scary, exhilarating, and you don't have any control .. but that is a good thing.
Do I have fantasies that cannot be fulfilled by my girlfriend? Is she EVERYTHING I could ever want in a romantic relationship? Hell no! She feels the exact same way about me as well. We do make a pretty good team though, and she gives my life a balance I wouldn't have on my own.
When we create captions, or write stories, etc .. we never usually have those fantasies come with loud snoring, stinky feet, or questionable purchases (I have had captions where the transformed hubby spends all his money on lingerie and such until the wife pimps him out to pay the bills, but once again, more of a fantasy setting than reality!)
I wonder if Caitlyn has always been your feminine ideal, and as such, it has made things difficult. By this point, you need to either HAVE a Caitlyn in your life, or BE a Caitlyn in your life. I don't necessarily mean "female" in a physical sense, but who you are in a relationship sense. It's all been in your mind for a long time, and it's probably all been played out, which is why she isn't around much.
Then again, I haven't had much contact with you in some time, and I'm just whistling past the graveyard. Worst case is that I've given you something to think about.
Dee,
DeleteAs with many of your comments, you’re very insightful. While I don’t believe my desire to have a relationship has much to do with Caitlyn’s coming and going, I do long for a relationship. I know at one point or another I’ve written about this and I’d love to go back and find it as I tend to write ‘in the moment’ and I’d like to see what I was thinking of back then.
I don’t believe my life is ever going to have that fairy tale relationship. For one, that age has just passed me by. I can’t experience ‘young love’ as I’m no longer young by anybody’s definition. But more important than age, are life choices. I’ve decided to live my life helping my family. My mother. I was already past the “looking for love” stage, and well into the “if it comes it comes and if it doesn’t it doesn’t”. I have no strong desire for a physical relationship, so there’s no pull there either.
I know I can still find a lover, but I’ve just about stacked the deck against that happening. I live with my mother, I spend copious amounts of money on a house that I don’t own (I will one day, but for now It’s not mine), I pay for her car, I pay for her cable television, I bought her a television a washer a dryer a grill and am trying to buy her a whole house humidifier and de-humidifier.
Add those roadblocks to the fact that I make connections to people slowly, make real friends once every decade or so, and have had real relationships twice in my entire life… yeah, I don’t see me getting into any type of relationship at this point in my life. Maybe in the future. Maybe someday. It’s certainly not something that I shun or am actively turning away from.
Keep on whistling! These ghosts need all the thought provoking inspiration they can get!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya caitlyn, I am in the same boat. for me it is only a creative channel for something that is pure fantasy by now. I am too old now to (relatively) to make the life change. our culture was still taboo growing up and there werent many inspiring people to look up to. now all these young youtubers make me wish I was still a teenager during my puberty in which making the change wouls have bore the best results. Is Caitlyn always going to be a part of you....I believe she will. however as we age, so do our youthful dreams and ambitions.
ReplyDelete