Wednesday, June 15, 2011

[Question] So why the mask?

Do you really want to know?

Much like my last post, I have received several questions.  One seemed to deserve its own post, but at the same time the sum of the other questions didn't seem to warrant one of their own.  So I'm going to again glom them together, leaving (at least to me) the most interesting question for last.

Why why why?

Umm... Because Because Because.  I really don't know what you are asking, so I"m going to make up a question that would kind of seem relevant:  Why did you stop updating the smoking comments?

First of all, thank you for the thought out and descriptive question.  I did stop updating my smoking post.  If anyone was really reading that day in and day out, they realize that I wasn't making much progress.  But being that it was updated every day, I got people clicking on the comments to it all the time, making a post about me quitting smoking one of the most read pages on my blog.  Really?  Its a blog about forced femme caps.  I admit its a sexy picture, but I have a hard time believeing that it was really that interesting.  And lo and behold once I stop updating it, people stop reading.  So if I make any good progress, or even back pedal a lot, I'll update it.  I promise.

what is something you'd never ever do?

Murder? Child Porn?  Off the top of my head that is about all I will absolutely say that I will never do.  I have a fairly narrow definition for Murder:  Intentionally killing someone without being ordered to do so, or for your or other peoples safety.  Killing in war is being ordered to kill... i.e. not murder.  Killing someone that is pointing a gun at my head, or the head of a loved one is for safety's sake.  Still not Murder.   Within that definition, I can't think of anything that would drive me to kill someone.

Its my firm believe that children need to be protected.  Not all that much, but from sexual exploitation is one thing that can really hurt a child and cause an emotional scar that will never heal.  So I would never willingly participate or partake in Child Pornography.

I'm fairly sure the person asking this was imagining something to do with sex... and I sat still and thought about that for a good half hour.  The problem is (beyond child porn), there isn't much that I wouldn't be willing to try at least once.  I would be hesitant about anything scat related... but its not a gross out factor..thats just a health related issue.  There are many problems caused by putting poo where it doesn't belong.  Everything else... well... I've probably imagined doing it already.  And in most sexual acts, I've imagined it both ways... doing it, and having it done to me.  So... given a loving safe place to experiment, I would be open to trying just about anything at least once.

How did you choose your avatar picture?

Well I guess to see, I should show you the first few avatars I had at the Haven (which is the first place I ever chose a female avatar for myself:

When I joined up at the haven I figured I wanted a girly picture.  I used that first pic for a good long (all things being relative... I only joined up there like 20 months ago!).  I didn't specifically choose it because of the mask, but I thought it fit... When you see a person in a mask, you know they are hiding something.  Their identity?  Their intention?  Their feelings?   Something is being obscured.  Well I was obscuring my real identity. It was all tongue in cheek, as I don't believe anyone at the Haven uses their proper full name.... but I still liked it.  As I got more and more into 'Caitlyn' I realized that I wasn't a shy little girly girl.  I was nice.... but I liked my porn and (at least as far as I thought)  I wasn't shy about it.  So little miss goodie two shoes didn't seem to fit.  But I had become attached to the mask (and not just because of my hidden identity... read more about the mask below), and wanted to keep it.  I searched for all kinds of images of a woman in a mask, but none looked right.  I finally used that second avatar for awhile.  Not because I liked it, but because it wasn't the first one.

I kept searching every few days, and finally came across this facebook style image of a woman in a blue feathered mask.  The image was overexposed so her face appeared almost pure white.  But the tilt of her head, the open eye, the way her lips looked... it all spoke of Caitlyn to me.  I didn't particularly like the blue, so I took it into Photoshop, desaturated it, and recolored the mask to a deep red.  Then for kicks I painted her lips a dark red as well.  Ever since I first posted that as my avatar, I've been in love with it.

Sadly I never kept the original file.  So the biggest version I have is the one you see above.

Oh, and if you want to read up on the blushed version you can read about it here.

why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other.... ohnevermind.

Yes. Someone sent this in as a question.  I guess its an attempt to see if I can turn that question into something sexy or interesting.  And to be truthful I may have tried to if I didn't have other questions to answer.

So why the mask and not another object for a fetish?, if that's can be called a fetish ^^ for you "giggle" 

This last question is from Alectra.  This is complex and simple at the same time.  The simple answer is I put on a mental mask to be Caitlyn.  Caitlyn is hiding MY identity and feelings away from everyone else, and that lets her be herself.   She gets to enjoy what she wants and not feel bad, odd, guilty, or out of place for feeling and wanting what she wants.

The more complex side is that Caitlyn often has to put on a mental mask for me to come back.  I am most often Caitlyn when I am sitting here in front of my computer. All of my fantasies are only a few key strokes or mouse clicks away, and its easy to put on some music, look only at the screen and be taken in.  But the mental mask IS there.  I'm hiding away parts of me that says 'whoa there, this isn't right.  A man shouldn't want this, he shouldn't want to look at these things let alone want to DO these things'.  And that mask doesn't just melt away when I want it gone.  If my time is interrupted, I often have to hide away those feelings to stop Caitlyn from coming out physically.  And I'm not talking about really becoming a woman.. but I am talking about me walking around campus and having the strong desire to put on lipstick.  Looking at women in sexy clothes and wondering what it would feel like to wear that dress.  Or style my hair that way.

So to keep those feelings away, Caitlyn is gracious enough to put on her Calvin Mask.  That lets me be me. Maybe one day I can be both Calvin and Cailtyn at the same time.  But that isn't now.  I can't quite get my head around all of these desires and fantasies.  I've fought against them for a long time, so I know they aren't going away.  So this is a way for me to delve deeper into them, without changing to accept them.

I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, but there are times when I talk in IM that I'm just not 'me'. Of course the 'me' that most people here know is Caitlyn.  The reason I'm not quite the same is that I haven't put on my Caitlyn Mask.

So for me there is nothing fetishized about masks.  I DO think masks are erotic, but its something completely different than the 'mask' in my name, or the mask in the title of this blog.

I hope that answers that question for you Alectra.  I never feel that I quite get the idea across when I talk about it, so if I'm not clear, let me know in a comment and I'll try to explain it better.

OH, and one last thing... I really have to thank Mistress Simone for the image I used in this blog.  She came across it and sent it to me, knowing my love of masked women.  I really fell hard for the image.   I wanted to use it in a cap, but would feel odd using what I think of as an image of 'me' in someone else s cap.  And I rarely make a cap for myself.  I tried to crop it so that I could use it as an avatar... but cropped down it loses a lot of its appeal. While most people may like it as an avatar, I would just look at it and see part of an image.  As I didn't want it to just sit around collecting dust, I figured this was the best place to use it, and the best question that I could add it to.


  1. Thanks for answering my question Caitlyn this clarifies my thoughts on you and get me to know you also a little better ^^.
    And yeah everytime i look at that pic over your profile or in the Haven i instantly think that's is Caitlyn, because you found the right pic and you go along with not only making it a mirror of your inner self but a reality of Caitlyn showing off to the world who she really is...
    I think you explained yourself quite good, so there is no need for further explanation, you know i "always"... well not always but most of the time the right question or thought to keep the minds of the people working up...
    I just hope one day i find my right pic like you did, but for the one i have of Lauren Ridealgh i think i found a look alike to my personality ^^
    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

  2. I recently changed my avatar (I usually go about 6-9 months then change) and though I used the same model as I always do on the haven, I'm not sure if people figure out that it equates to me.

    The last one I had was good in that it wasn't the whole face, and perhaps the new one isn't quite as recognizable for those that only remember me from the last one I had.

    Good to see all of yours in one spot, though I don't remember the 2nd one. I vaguely remember the first one though.

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  6. I started out in much the same way as you when I picked out Jennifer (Mila) But by the time I had really settled in, Jennifer and Jeremy were so similar I didn't have a problem anymore admitting things I liked as Jennifer. When I'm Jeremy or not.

    Jennifer and my choice for one single model was to just let me be me online and while I chatted with people. Most think the mila thing is just cause I have a crush, but as my last post to my blog tried to point out, it was way more then just that. I felt I had found Jennifer, how I looked and felt and wanted people to picture when they thought of me. It's what I saw when I looked at her, and in fact wasn't sure who it was when i first found that first avatar. it was an escape, a tool to let others let me be me and others open up to the idea that this is Jennifer they are speaking to. Over time, I got comfortable with my female side, but most aren't around to remember when I wasn't.

    The try anything once is how I feel about my own kinks, I'm pretty open to anything and willing to hear it out. But would like to know why it is a turn on and what purpose the sexual or non sexual act is for. How is it supposed to make me feel? Does it make me feel that way? If it does and I enjoy it, then I have no problem doing it again.

    @ Dee
    This response on mask's and your using a same model for your avatar is so similar to my own post I had made a day or two ago, I would really love to hear your opinion and feed back more often on posts you have an opinion on. (I. E. things like this or caps I've made you, etc.) I know that you said you had tried to post about the sissy cap, but I've lost many posts to your blog and have had to rewrite them. some times I say so much in these lost posts, that I end up having to cut down what I'm saying. So it's quite a bit of work to leave a comment that I some times have to prune down just to make fit and then write and rewrite. but rest assured, I will leave a comment.

    And sorry for all the deleted posts Caitlin, errors were bugging the hell out of me.