Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Goodbye 2013

 Hello 2014

Happy New Years Everybody!  I hope everybody here has had as good of a 2013 as I have, and I hope that each and every one of us had a spectacular 2014.

That being said, it's hard to fully qualify and quantify 2013.  On a personal level, it is one of my best years to date.  I go into this in far more detail on my private blog, but getting this job has changed me in more ways than I can express.  It wasn't just a change form joblessness to job, or empty pockets to full bank account... it was honestly from depression into joy.  That sadness had been building up so slowly and over such a long time that it's hard to say when it really started?  Was it not getting a job after so many tries?  Was it failing the NCLEX? Was it truding through school?  Was it having to go back to school at all?  Losing my father?  Failing to do a better job at my last real photography job?  This line of personal setbacks dates all the way back to 2005.

I can't say I wasn't happy during those times, but more and more the happy times were islands surrounded by a sea of indifference, and later despair.  So having my life turn around and being happy almost all the time now is a feeling that I'm not accustomed to.  And something that I've never felt while being Caitlyn.

And that there is the rub.  This happiness does come with sacrifices, but the biggest one by far is Caitlyn.  I've wondered if she would come back when, as Dee put it, my routine becomes routine.  After five months, the routine is indeed routine, and Caitlyn hasn't spoken up.  I've thought I found her mask several times, but it was more of a whisper... an echo.    A reminder of once was and seems more and more like will never be again.

It's not just making caps... it's everything that Caitlyn offered me.  The desire and arousal that would come from reading caps.   The desire to have a transformation be more than an erotic moment.  The wonderment at what a real life Caitlyn would be.  Those are all gone too, except for the occasional echo.

So while I can celebrate just about everywhere else, here on this blog I feel more like commiserating.  Before I got the job, I made just under 80 caps.  At that rate I would have been slightly lower than my 190 caps made in 2012, but still a good year of caps overall.  Since getting the job though, I've produced 10 caps.


And none of those caps, in my opinion, match the fire, passion, eroticism, love or happiness of my older caps.  Sure, "Parting Gift" was kind of hot, and "Keep Your Sissy Beautiful PSA" was kind of fun, but I still don't feel they match up very well when compered to true Cailtyn captions.

That being said, I am grateful that I CAN cap.  It helps me keep my foot in the door of the TG capping world, and provides a wonderful creative outlet.

So, where do I go from here?  I imagine I'll continue on the path that I'm on now.  I'll primarily focus on my personal life far more than my Caitlyn life.  I'll occasionally come back and cap, and every now and again will make a good one, but if I hit 30 caps made in 2014, I'll consider that a surprise.  I imagine as time goes on, I'll find another way to express myself creatively, and when that happens I may step away from capping all together.

So to everyone out there, I sincerely hope that you had as good of a 2013 as I had.  And I hope that your 2014 will surprise you with happiness, love, and satisfaction!

Happy New Year everybody!

1 comment:

  1. As Caitlyn or Calvin, I'm glad that you are still around!

    Here's to an even better 2014!