Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I.... I....

...I just don't know.

I failed.

I am a failure.

And that is all the information I will get about taking my exam.  I don't get a score, or where I could improve... I just know that my goal of passing didn't work out.

I can't think through this right now.  I don't know what my future will hold right now.  It may be making a new study plan and taking the test again in a couple months.  It may be jumping right back onto the god damned saddle and giving it another try as soon as I can.

It may be giving up on the whole thing and just calling the degree I earned useless.  After all it will look just fine in the bottom of the filing cabinet next to my other useless degree.

It may be completely re-evaluting my life's goals.... or worse.

I can't describe how crushed I am right now.

I can't even tell you if I'm going to go away again or now.  I just got here, and today while making caps I felt alive.  I felt happiness.  Maybe that's why this sadness is so encompassing.  There is nothing like rising up on a high only to have your entire world come crashing down into a pit of despair.

I want to rage.  I want to cry.  I want to sleep for a very very long time.  I don't want to feel this way.


  1. Mmmmm maybe this won't work out for you, but I learnt from the past that holding anxiety and trying to do what you want to but without something that let you vent. Can be strenuous to both mind and body and usually gives bad results...

    I hope you can get some solution out of this. Its really sucks when you have a solomon decision laid on you after all the hard work you tried to demonstrate.

    Wishing for all the best for you...

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

  2. Very sorry to hear that Caitlyn. I'm having some rough spots myself in education, but you deserve better for trying so hard. I wish you the best.

  3. I'm so sorry Caitlyn. That's awful that they won't even tell you how close you were to passing. You might not have passed, but you're not a failure. Take sometime to reflect, and if you decide that this is truly the career you want to pursue, I'm certain you'll pass the next time you take it.

  4. Failure hurts, In know this all too well since I've been down this very same road so I feel for you hun. ^^

    Best I can say is to not let it get the better of you since that will only slow down anyway you want to further improve whatever you failed at. While I know its easier said then done, I can send you some positive energy in hopes that things improve.

    Good luck hun, I wish you the best & you know where to find me if you wanna chat or vent a lil'.


  5. Hey Caitlyn. That sucks, and I'm not going to say anything trying to downplay how much it hurts to have everything you've worked for thrown back in your face.

    The only advice I have is take a little time off, and then reevaluate if this is what you really want. If it is, then you know what you have to. Take this as a learning experience and keep at it.

    But there are few things harder than forcing yourself to study for something you aren't passionate about. This may be a sign that maybe there is something better out there for you.

    No matter what you decide try not to stress too much about this. Everyone fails, although I know hearing that doesn't make it any easier when it happens to you. So for now, get some rest, recharge, and remember that there are people there for you no matter what happens.

    I wish you all the best, and hope this just a minor set back in your future plans.

  6. Caitlyn, failure is how we learn to succeed. If we never got knocked down, we'd never know how to get up. I know it hurts that you didn't succeed, but the person you become is dependent on how you react to your failures, not your success. Keep trying and keep capping, we're all rooting for you.

  7. Take your time, breathe, and try again. That's it. You didn't pass it, but you are still here and there is another opportunity to pass.

    If you are worried about cap time - then put yourself on a time restraint. Give yourself a "cap day" once a week to get the creativity out. I have a feeling part of your creative burst came from NOT doing them for so long.

    I have a lot of faith in you. It's a setback, not a closed door.

  8. I once had a similar setback. But I knew where I needed to be and so I tucked ego, pride, humiliation, and everything else away ... and tried again. The second time it all worked out. I won't tell you that any of that was easy, but sometimes the road forward isn't easy. Then again, what is?

  9. If it means anything I know yoru feeling well. I am going through a verry hard change and i feel like that all the time....

  10. Stop that. Think of every great person you can. Every one of them. EVERY ONE. Failed, often multiple times before tey became great. YOu will be no different.

    So relax. Watch a good movie. Take a hot bath. Paint your nails. Enjoy yourself. Have a good laugh and a good cry if thats what you need.

    When your done, try again. And this time you will DO IT! Have faith in yourself.

  11. You may have failed your exam, but I can assure you that you are anything but a failure. Just look at this blog, everything here has come from that beautiful brain of yours. You are a brilliant person and I have no doubt that you will persavere.

  12. I am sorry to here the news but do not give up if this is really what you want. My ex had to take the test to become a teacher 6 times before she passed it and got her certification.