Saturday, July 30, 2011

Interruptions and Stuff

No questions this time, just some stuff on my mind.
I have some things on my mind that I wanted to write out and share.  Some of this is stuff that I'm not sure how I feel about, and I find when I write things out, I get in touch with how I feel.  Its taking that quasi happy/joyful/hesitant feeling and defining what about it makes me happy, joyful and hesitant.

I know there are some girls out there that have very little difference between their online persona and their real life.  They share their desires and fetishes with people close to them, and even live them out.  Sadly when it comes to TG/CD areas of my life, I am not that type of girl.  I think I've touched on this before in saying that my 'Caitlyn' persona is all of my TG/CD desires and fetishes, and she only exists in my mind and here online.  I can't say that no one knows about her, as lets face it... I'm writing this stuff up on a blog, and am part of several communities of like minded people.  I've met several people that share these feelings in one degree or another and have become friends with them.

But these friends are sadly digital.  The friendship is still as real to me, but I have never heard their voices, and I have never seen them in person.  Realistically beyond Sasha  I haven't even seen photos of these friends (and Sasha's photos are obscured).

So when I say Real Life, I am not trying to diminish any of my great friends here... I am just distinguishing between people I know and care about digitally and people I know and care about non digitally.  So the RL people I know and care about, know nothing about Caitlyn.  They know only Calvin.  It is incredibly frustrating now being able to share this side of me with them.  I imagine they are thinking that for the past couple years I am getting more and more dull, as I spend a lot of my time as Caitlyn, but can't really account for that time.  I'm just 'hanging out' online.

Now what does this have to do with Interruptions?  Well first, I don't live alone.  So when ever I am working on a cap or role playing, I am a thin door away from someone walking in and seeing what I do.  I have to constantly keep one ear open listening to those footsteps, and be ready to minimize several windows (Google Chrome, Photoshop, Word, Notepad, IM windows....) in a seconds notice.  At all times I am working or playing in this world, I have a Google Chrome window open to some innocent website (and I make sure I know what is on the page so if they ask 'whatcha doin?' I can explain that I am reading about a new supernova that the hubble found, or reading about Michigan's upcoming football season, or how the world will end if the debt ceiling isn't raised.  I can never FULLY focus my attention on this world.

Now being actually interrupted is rare.  The people I share my home with are all respectful of each other's privacy.

But there are times when simply minimizing the windows just won't do.  I have two nephews and a niece that my brother brings over on occasion to visit.  These are kids old enough to be curious about what is going on on their uncle's computer, and not old enough to realize its rude to walk in and see what is going on on their uncle's computer.  So when I hear them coming in I have about 2 minutes to save any work, and close down the programs.  I even go so far as to log off my IM clients (I want to avoid the random 'Hey ya Sexy Sissy, whatcha up to?' windows popping up!), and then restart the computer to delete any history from Chrome, Word and Photoshop.

Well for the first time, they visited today while I was in the middle of writing up a post.  It was for my recent cap "Read the instructions first" and I was about halfway done.  In a moment of panic I forgot how to save a post, and then come back to re edit it.  I didn't want to lose what I had wrote, and the formatting that I had done, so I just published it early with a warning of "I've been interrupted, I'll finish this post later" at the bottom. Now I had just made a cap, posted it on the Haven, and was writing up the post for it.  I was intending on heading over to DX for some roleplaying.  In other words I was just about fully in 'Catilyn' mode.   And then I had to turn that part of me off so I could be the uncle the kids expect, and the brother my brother expects.

And man... that hurt.  I am not ashamed of my Caitlyn side.  And I am damn proud of some of the things I've done as Caitlyn.  But I can't even share that with my Brother?  I can understand keeping this from the kids, as it would confuse them, and really a lot of this is very sexual and just to 'mature' for them.  But my bro?  My close friends?

I have to share this side of me with someone somewhere sometime.  But my family is fairly old fashioned.  And by that, I mean fairly non-understanding of other peoples points of views.  I know deep down I would always be 'family' to them, but I don't know if I could stomach them looking at me with disgust.  And with the comments my brothers make about homosexuality (about as close as they ever come to TG/CD related material).... well its enough to make me cry at the mere thought of them talking about me with that same venom.

My close friends are quite a bit more open minded.  But this isn't a subject that has ever been brought up... I really don't know how the would handle it.  And the thought of possibly losing one of these close friends is a little to much to bear.  I don't have a long list of friends.  In fact I could count them on one hand and probably still hold something with the fingers left over.

But getting interrupted today made me feel.... ashamed?  Deviant?  Maybe some of these feelings are coming from within me.  Maybe I don't share this side of me with anyone because I am ashamed of it myself.


This will probably haunt me for a while now.

But on the other side of that coin I also wanted to share a big step I took.  Yesterday I spent almost the entire day wearing a pair of pretty pink panties.

I work at a major retailer stocking shelves.  Most of the time this means moving dog food, basketballs, paint, auto parts, and toys around.  But we also have a full clothing selection.  Well I happened to pick up a pallet of what I though was socks to put away.  I turns out there was one box of socks, on a pallet of women's underwear.  So I spent about an hour stocking shelves of stockings, panties, bras, body sharpers, and sleepwear.  One of the boxes was full of the prettiest laciest panties I've ever personally handled.  And they were all thongs.

Lemme tell ya, Caitlyn didn't just come forward, she shoved Calvin out of the way so hard he got a concussion.

I had been thinking about cross dressing again for awhile.  I had tried it once years and years and years ago, but honestly it didn't to anything for me.  It didn't make me feel pretty, or feminine, or sexy or anything other than silly.  So I dropped it and never tried it again. But with my recent awakening and even naming of those desires, I figured it was only a matter of time before I tried it again.

But I also have to consider what I've written out above.  I can get interrupted quickly.  Its one thing to minimize windows, or even save work, log off a program and restart the computer.  Its another thing to wash makeup off, get a wig off, change out of a skirt, blouse, bra, panties, stocking and heels and into jeans, sport shirt, boxers, crew socks and sneakers.  In other words that much experimentation just isn't possible.

So any cross dressing I want to experiment with must be easily and quickly able to be hidden.  To me that leaves panties as the only sure fire easy way.  I can't think of the last time someone saw my underwear, when I didn't want them to see my underwear.  I think I may also be able to hide a bra under my shirt, and even stockings if I wore socks and jeans over them.   But both of those wouldn't be as sure fire 'hidden' as panties.

So with the thoughts of trying out some panties combined with me handling some sexy panties at work...I decided not to resist.  I wasn't brave enough to buy the panties that inspired these feelings.  I work with these people and many if not all of them know I'm single.  So even the 'oh these? heh, they are for my girlfriend' wouldn't work.  And seeing as they were lacy thongs, the 'oh these? they're for my mom/sister' wouldn't fly either.  Or if it did, they would be thinking I have an odd relationship with my mother/sister.

Luckily the store I work at has two locations in my town.  So after work I trucked over to the other side of town and bought some.  My original thought was to buy one pair, but I couldn't decide between the black panties or the pink ones.  So I went ahead and bought both.  When I got home I changed out of my uniform and instead of stripping off everything except for underwear, I dropped those too and put on my very first thong.

Now I was prepared for a thin piece of cloth moving between my cheeks.  I wasn't prepared for what it would feel like to press up against me there.  For a little while my whole world was about this lacy pink piece of cloth rubbing up against my anus.  I did NOT expect that.  It wasn't like a wedgie or underwear crawling up your crack or anything like that.  Maybe it felt different because I knew it was different.

Thankfully that feeling went away.  I was still aware that I was wearing a thong all day, but wasn't focused on that little part of my body.  And I now will have a much stronger respect for the feeling of that thin material covering up body parts that it was never designed to cover up.  I've read about that constrained feeling in stories and caps, and I thought I had a good imagination and could empathize with it... but no... nothing can really describe that.  It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was very tight (and I"m not talking about the waist band).


I wouldn't be telling the whole story if I didn't mention how arousing it was.   Now I've worn tight briefs before, but lets face it... men's briefs are designed with room for a penis and scrotum.  Panties are not.  So even while not aroused, its a tight fit. So while I was getting aroused, the panties held me tighter and tighter.  And I was honestly surprised that this thin lacy material could hold me in place.  It got uncomfortable enough at one point that I had to get into a place with privacy and 'adjust' myself.


I swear I had to go into the bathroom or my bedroom several times just to open up my jeans and take a peek at my pretty pink panties.  And that is exactly how I thought of them.  I wasn't wearing a thong, or panties, or women's underwear... I was wearing: Pretty. Pink. Panties.

Every single move reminded me of them, so I was for all intensive purposes in full 'Catilyn' mode all day.  Even something as simple as shifting my weight reminded me of them.

Now at fist I was over the moon ecstatic by the the feeling, and the thoughts that the feelings brought to mind. But by evening, it had changed a bit.  When I would think about it wearing my Pretty Pink Panties, I got a smile and was happy about it.  But going about mundane every day activities and being constantly reminded that I am wearing something that I can't call 'comfortable' was not fun.  By the time the day was starting to wind down I had more 'geez this just doesn't feel comfortable at all' thoughts than 'I am wearing Pretty Pink Panties!' thoughts.

Now at first I thought that this just confirmed what I had always thought.  That wearing panties or other women's clothing just doesn't do anything for me.  It feels like it will just be an extension of 'Catilyn' in real life, but not something that I desire to do on a regular basis.  That's not to say I"m not going to try other things.  I know I will make at the very least one more panty purchase.  Something that doesn't involve a string up my ass.

And since I believe that half the day was so exciting because it was new, I'll try my other pair of panties one day soon.  But for the sake of fun, I'm going to make it on a day that I have to go out and do a bunch of running around town!

And hey... if you've gotten this far into the post... thank you!  I didn't expect this post to be over 2000 words long.  But writing it out has really helped me put my feelings in a little better order.  As with most other parts of my life, I am fairly open... so if you have any questions about any of this, feel free to leave a comment or use the 'Ask Caitlyn a Question' box over to the right (way up near the top of the page!)


  1. Excellently insight into your mind and a fine piece of writing as always. You have a great skill to translate your thoughts and emotions into words.

  2. It's been a looong time since I last did any crossdressing, but I remember it was always an exciting and happy feeling. But I've never wore anything with a string up my rear. (not that I didn't want to.)

    I've dressed in heels for a Halloween costume. I think one of the best feelings was when I shopping for them. I was so excited to be getting my first pair of heels! And I didn't mind at all wearing them the whole day on Halloween but I think my over all costume kind of spoiled my excitement of really getting to walk around in them.

    Shortly after that night, I put them back on and found the excitement again. But It was always so short and I was so nervous of being caught wearing them again. So, it was a good and so-so experience. I wouldn't say bad.. but it could have been better.

    Ok, enough sharing about my biggest crossdressing experience. heh. I think it's great that you got to try it out and I've been discussing it a little with you in Chat, so I feel like I would just be repeating my self.

    I'm sorry that you felt ashamed and saddened that you couldn't share this with your brother. I feel the same way a lot of the time. I'll finish a cap or I'll get a new follower and think for a moment, I need to tell my brothers! Shortly after I made a few posts for my Jennifer series, I actually looked up and started to call out to one of them and share my excitement. But, the smile on my face was whipped off pretty quick when I realized I can't tell them about any of this.

    It's weird that I have to hide it, have to act like it's something I shouldn't be proud of. Because, I've gotten over the guilt and the ashamed feeling I used to get. I even trashed my captions once because I just was a little disgusted with my self.

    But It wasn't shortly after that, that I was able to accept just all of me. And I think that's one of the hardest things about hiding my other side from them. I feel like I'm denying a part of me from them.

    I'm not Jennifer all the time, but I've been at it so long, the only real difference between the two is the sort of subjects I'll talk about or sites I visit.

    @ sahsa

    Agreed. Something I could do a little better. heh.

  3. @Jennifer, Yes... like spelling my name. LOL.

  4. This is exactly why there are so many degrees of transgenderism around. Whether its a certain fetish, the feeling of women's clothing, the fantasy of becoming a woman, or actually having to be a woman (the body matching the mindset).

    It probably doesn't take long to lose the edge of "I'm wearing PANTIES!" once the mundane world you inhabit brings itself back out to your normal life. I would think it'd be better to just wear the panties when it can be a special thing for you, so you don't blot it out with "just another day" syndrome.

    I do see this helping you make captions though, as it gives you a whole new set of experiences to draw off of, and could lead to more enlightenment as time goes along.

    Sorry to hear about interruptions. I get that more now than I used to, since having a teenage daughter of "close to driving" range, she doesn't have a nice early bedtime, and there are lots of her friends wandering around too! Keeps me feeling young, but on my toes as well. Then again, they always offer to paint my toes and things like that so its fun as well. I just have to make sure i have nothing incriminating in tabs.

  5. Just to add since I'm a paranoid freak about my internet activities, I have a hot button on my mouse that will close tabs/windows. It is the equivalent of CTRL+W, or as an alternative I have a program Virtua Win that allows me to switch desktops at the click of one button. So you can switch to a desktop where your TG stuff is to another where non-TG browsers show.