Sunday, March 3, 2013

Save me...

Just a sad feeling.

OK... here's what happened.  I've been feeling down lately.  Both over the failed job search attempts, and over life in general.  Last night I was feeling particularly down and was asking God, the Universe, and anybody else that would listen for a sign... and heard a very sad song on the radio: 

It made me feel even more down, and hoping that this song WASN'T a sign as it made me cry when trying to go to sleep.  Not from the song itself, but just from thinking over my life. 

 This morning when I got home from work, I looked up the lyrics:

See me take my bows
And I'm heading for the exits
I can't stick around

This life's been hard
And I can't see the sense in fighting it anymore
Can't you let me go
Won't you show me the door

'Cause I've made mistakes
That have hurt the ones I've loved
And I've thrown them under the bus
One too many times

There can be no redemption for a sinner such as I
Won't you wish me to the cornfield now
Won't you help me stop living a lie

So here I am in the corner of a dark room
The same way I began
Alone with these mournful thoughts
And a loaded gun in my hand

But a foolish part of me
Still holds out for a shred of humanity
For a queen in a robe or a knight on a steed
Can't you see that I'm just a child on his knees

Save me from fear and pain
And love will rain on me
Save me today
Before tomorrow finds me at rest

Save me from fear and pain
And love come down and rain on me
Save me today
For tomorrow will find me at rest

Now I'm standing alone in the moment of truth
As the judgement's handed down
And my feet are scarred from the broken glass
Strewn across the ground

Then you come to my side
And only to you I confide
That I've been battered and shattered and bruised and abused
For the very very last time
Won't you help me, just

Save me from fear and pain
And love reign o'er me
Save me, Save me today
For tomorrow will find me at rest

Save me from fear and pain
And love will rain on me
Save me today
For tomorrow, find me at rest
Find me at rest

Those lyrics really called out to me.  So I wrote a very long post here explaining how I felt down about work, life and everything else.  But in doing so I shared FAR more information than I'm comfortable with.   And to be honest, the post was just going to bring more people down. 

As I'm writing this up, I see that the post has been viewed 19 times.  To those that read it... you are going to be one of the very few.  I've replaced the post with this one.  I'll still share the video, and still share thy lyrics, but I'm taking down everything else. 

If you are curious about what I said, I don't mind sharing it with friends.  Just let me know and I'll email it out to you.  Fair warning though... it was almost 6000 words long!


  1. None of this will probably dent your mood, but what the hell, it still needs to be said.

    I'm sure that there are many lives that you've touched in a special way, perhaps without you even knowing it. Just little things like a smile or a nod on a train or a bus .. or a photo on a grandmother's mantle that documented her precious granddaughter's 4th place finish in gymnastics.

    As someone that has done desktop publishing design, I can't tell you how many times a recent widow(er) had brought in a portrait done by one of those chain places and how "they really caught the twinkle in their eye" and wanted us to use that picture for the funeral booklet.

    And I bet that every one of those "happy" people you know have been down in the dumps before and had you there to help pick them up.

    This isn't the focus of your discussion or my comment, but I will say that you having this blog has helped MANY people sort through their feelings and your trials, tribulations, thoughts and feelings have showed people that they are not alone in this fucked up world.

    I wish I could tell you that your employment situation will be better, but I can't. As someone that went to school for computer science, once the Y2K problem ended, the job market was swamped with candidates with experience and no place to use it. Even today, I will look at ads and see "must have 5 years experience" for software that only been out for 6 years!

    I think the big thing is that you need to keep your networking options open, and if you aren't "linked in" it becomes hard to get that lucky break. I got into the mental health field because a childhood friend's brother met a girl at their bowling league and they were looking for an overnight person at a group home. 3 years doing that led to someone leaving there for another place and he took me along, where I spent 5 years on day shifts. When mental health was becoming a dead end, I found a position listed in the paper for office management .. and one of the business' clients was an old drinking buddy of mine and was able to get the scoop on people and how to work my way in.

    My girlfriend got her job (which has nothing to do with her BS degree) though a co-worker at one of the mental health jobs I worked. He talked to his friend from human resources and got her an interview which she did well enough to get part time which lead to full time. She's been there 11 years now.

    Neither one of us really loves our job (my GF hates her co-workers) but we also know that we are truly lucky to have had consistent work. Even with a degree, when she moved her she worked as a carpenter's assistant and as an assistant manager of a shoe store before her current job came along.

    You are exactly right though. Just keep plugging away. Know that you are loved and cherished, even when you are at your lowest points in life.

  2. Believe me when I say that I know how you feel. These days it has gotten very easy to get down on yourself about just what exactly you have accomplished in life. The only advise I can give you is this: Find somebody to talk to. It doesn't matter if it's a friend, family member, or even trained psychologist, but no one gets through life without help. You would probably be surprised to find out just how big of a difference you have made in people's lives. And it doesn't even matter if you have only made a small difference in one person's life. Even the smallest of differences means your life has a purpose. Don't let yourself think it doesn't.

  3. Caitlyn, I know I don't post many comments on your web page and saying that I know what you feel isn't quite true. I have had loses in my family, eight in the past ten years. Sometimes when i wake up, I don't want to get out of bed because I have no reason to get me out of it. Don't look at it as if you're still leaving with your mother, look at it in the way that you're taking care of her, and who better than her son to do so. You will pull through, I have complete confidence in you. All I can tell you is, that you have to keep on fighting, no matter how bad things get. Fight, even if to show yourself that you can do it. Don't look at it as if you're still leaving with your mother, look at it in the way that you're taking care of her, and who better than her son to do so. You will pull through, I have complete confidence in you.

  4. I've been feeling moody lately as ever. The situation gets worse and worse and it seems we don't have a solution ahead. Still we try and I try. I try to put my mind in others things, start new projects and recover old ones - If I can - I know it's not easy to say today: I'm doing something right, I cannot deny I'm doing alright, but its just not enough. Everyday we feel from bad to worst, and others days you just don't know how to handle and feel silly for being happy.

    Sometimes you just resort to: There must be someone in a worse situation than me, I should be happy. But that's pragmatism and makes you feel moody too. I cannot talk for the situation in the employment. At least not in your country, but your opportunity to find a job is bigger than in Spain right now! It's should be a matter of time. Here is starting to sound like a matter of years. Well that doesn't fix anything, but just for you to know.

    And Like Dee said, you could have made happy one day or everyday or just for a minute reading about you or viewing your works, doing collabs, and whatever you have done. If anything try to think on that to feel better. That won't fix the situation but at least make it bearable.

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

  5. I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said so beautifully by those before me but, I understand how you feel. Sometimes problems just seem to pile up to become an overwhelming tide of dark thoughts and emotions that we just can't see the end of. What we have to remember is that for there to be a dawn, there must first be a night. In the dark times it always seems to feel like there's no escape, like it will never end but, in the end it always does.

    As for songs, one should not allow the random selection determined by a radio dj or, worse yet, a machine, hurt you. You have a lot of friends at the haven who seem to care for you a great deal, and you are an overwhelmingly popular caption maker. Both are things you should be proud of.

    As for songs though, here's one that helps me when I'm feeling down. I hope it helps :)

    - Raven

  6. I was one of the original 19 who read the entire 6000 words, and if you would like to send me the entire original post, I would be pleased to add my comment(s) for whatever it would be worth. I did not respond initially because what you wrote was not only lengthy, but actually fairly overwhelming. I have been thinking about it since then, and returned to your blog only to find it missing. If you are willing to send it, you can do so at thanks, alexis

  7. If you need to talk to someone, you always know where to find me

  8. I know it won't help much, but I sincerely hope that you feel better.

  9. I want to thank everybody that's written a reply. It means a great deal to me that you've all taken time out of your day to write something to make me feel better. I'd love nothing more than to say that this feeling has passed and that I'm 'happy' or 'up' again... but as I look back I'm realizing that this feeling has been with me for quite some time now. Many things are effecting this feeling and until I can change these circumstances, I believe this feeling will stay with me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to be sad all the time, it just means that I'll be sad more often than not. I don't know how that sadness will present itself... I keep it pretty well hidden from those around me as I honestly despise being pitied.

    It's hard for me to write about this, as I am constantly spending energy to NOT think about my situation. Right now I'd rather be ignorantly happy than looking to deeply within myself. But I want to specifically touch on some of what was said here. Several of you reminded me that I've brought some measure of happiness to others. That may be true, but I've done that through my nature. It's a base part of me that wants others to be happy and just as intensely wants to be the person that brings happiness to others. If it was my goal... my intent to make people happy then I could hang my hat on that and be satisfied. But it's just not my goal. My goal may be self absorbed, but it's to make myself happy. It only makes my feeling worse when I realize that I've helped other people reach their happy state and yet can't seem to help myself.

    I don't mean that in a nebulous roundabout way... I mean that I've made plans that will please me and I've failed to make those plans into reality. Repeatedly. A part of me IS happy that I've pleased others, but I did so in a way similar to me not stepping on ants. It's not my goal to let them live... I just happened to do it.

    It was mentioned that I should talk to somebody. Friends, family or even a professional. Well, the professional is out of the question. They require payment, and I don't have the means to do so. Family? I don't know that I want to do that. It IS a goal to make my family happy, and talking to them about this would do nothing other than bring them down. I know that they're aware of my feelings as certain subjects are tiptoed around now. Friends? I did speak to one friend about part of this feeling... and it was torture to watch him try to offer up suggestions or methods that I could do to help myself. I had gone to visit him to have a good time and in a few words I had made both him and myself feel worse instead of better. And it's not as though my friends don't have their own issues... wives, children, their own job situations... no, we'll use each other as dry sunny times in our otherwise turbulent rain filled lives.

  10. (Too long for one reply)

    Jeanne said to look at it as living with my mother to help care for her. I'm perfectly happy to say that to others... at least some others. But I can't delude myself. Yes, I am helping to care for my mother, but I'm not living here to do so... I'm living here because I have no other option. I'm living here because I can't afford to do otherwise.

    Alectra said "...others days you just don't know how to handle and feel silly for being happy". That is so true... there are times that I've felt close to happiness and realized that I have no reason to feel happy. And while I'm sure some people can look at other peoples situations and feel better about themselves, I just can't do that. I can't look at anybody and think to myself 'At least I'm better off than that poor sap'.

    Raven said "In the dark times it always seems to feel like there's no escape, like it will never end but, in the end it always does." I hate to disagree with someone that is trying to help me... but that's just not true. The dark times do not always end... at least not in a happy way. Part of my clinicals for Nursing was working in a long term care facility. It breaks my heart to think of these people that wanted happiness... that wanted a good life... and they ended up there. Abandoned by everyone in their life, and not having lived a good enough life to afford a better sunset to their lives. What happens at the end of their dark times? They die... and not only are they happy to do so, the common saying about their passing is that 'they are in a better place'. If I passed now, I feel that I would simply be bypassing another 20 or so years of this living hell. I would be happy to do so, and people that knew me would say that "He's in a better place"... and they'd be right.

    Again... thank you everybody. I really appreciate your kind and loving words!

  11. i wish I could have seen this when it originally went up, but even all i really know is that you are feeling down and out, I still want to try and offer something in the way to bring even the briefest moment of happiness to you. Even if it's just to see that a friend posted and cared enough to say something.

    I can honestly say that I've felt this very way many times. And even now, with all that's going on with my grandparents, It's pretty hard to just move on. I have no outright answer on how to feel better. But when I start to think about what I can do to make my self better, I begin to feel kind of bad that I didn't really pay attention to those things that are already good in my life.

    I become too focused on those things that are wrong or could be better, but forget that I have friends that care about me, I have family that are still around, even if they are in bad shape. I forget that, while they might not be in the best health, I still have some time to spend with them. sure, that won't always be the case, but I do try to remind my self that I at least tried to take full advantage of it when I could.

    I see you mention in the comments here that you take care of your mother. Now, it might be a byproduct of you needing a place to stay, but I know how it is to take care of someone else. It's very draining, but can be very rewarding.

    Anyway, you know that I'm always there to discuss anything with you. And the one thing I would like you to take away from this post, even if all my blabbering doesn't exactly help, is that I care and just wanted to be their for a friend. *hugs*

  12. Caitlyn :

    Check your gmail .. I left you a email there with something that may actually bring a smile to your face. Even if its only for a short time. Its something you said you needed that is in that email. So please check it soon.