Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Note

This is a sad cap... just skip it if you are looking to be uplifted or aroused.

A couple days ago I wrote on my other blog about being in a good mood ("Surprising and unexpected happiness").  One of the reasons I wrote about it was the oddity of me just being in a good mood.  Well... it seems like there is karmic balance in the world after all.  For absolutly no reason, I'm feeling very down today.  Sad and depressed would normally be good ways to describe how I feel, but I honestly don't have enough energy to be sad or depressed.  I'm just... down.

I thought I might get some of that out of me by writing this cap out.  I found a series of image that were both beautiful but also on the sad side (found here), but as I wrote and wrote, I just started to feel more and more down.  My original intent was to end it with the promise that she'll continue to try and change.  I thought I might even end it on a pseudo sexy note saying that she was looking forward to trying sex out... but when I got to the end, there seemed to be only one way to finish the cap off.

So... sorry for being a downer.  I'll try to either make a nice cap or start writing my story tomorrow.
Posted at 4:05 PM
Labels:

12 comments:

  1. Leeanne MontgomeryJanuary 30, 2013 at 5:58 PM

    Dear Caitlyn,

    I will not argue the point that this is sad. It is downright depressing to me that this is inside of you. I wish it were not so. However, this is so brutally honest, and I have no doubt expresses the way many people who live life with conflict between who they are, who they think they are, who they want to be, who they think they want to be, and how they see the world perceiving them, that your ability to capsulize, while a downer, is an artistic achievement. Few have the ability to verbalize such inner, deepseated emotions. But please tell me you won't go there. I would so hate to see that happen.

    Kisses,

    Leeanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caitlyn MaskedJanuary 31, 2013 at 8:46 AM

      Thank you Leeanne.

      While I didn't intend for this to be quite as dark or to be a study in the conflict that we all feel, I'm glad that it can serve those purposes.

      I can't say with full honesty that I don't ever think of or consider suicide. But I can say that I've never truly come close to acting on those thoughts. If I ever do get close, I have several close friends to talk to that I'm sure will be that saving grace.

      Thank you for your concern though. I'm touched.

      Delete
    2. Leeanne MontgomeryJanuary 31, 2013 at 12:50 PM

      I believe every human who has lived long enough to begin to truly experience the bad that exists in the world has at least felt a fleeting sense that life isn't worth living, no matter what some may say to the contrary. The trick is in not acting upon that feeling.

      Delete
  2. DDonnaJanuary 30, 2013 at 7:57 PM

    Wow. What deep and meaningful cap that gives voice to fears I've had myself, although admittedly my life situation is not like the girl so described, but in the fantasies I've played out, this is so realistic that everyone would go through such thoughts before finding peace and eventual contentment in a new female life.

    Thank you so much, your words here helped me. Even the dark tone of the ending made this more artistic than a hopeful tone would have. In reading it, I myself had to reject the ending the pictured girl's words described. This reflection within myself, in the changes and thoughts it caused in my mind, is what made this a truly wonderful piece of art.

    The twisted mirror image of myself is what i'm now rejecting, and I now choose to think that by writing this down, the pictured girl saw it herself and chose a new positive path.

    I'm hoping that Caitlyn also sees it and feels better too.

    Big hugs,
    -Darla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leeanne MontgomeryJanuary 30, 2013 at 8:41 PM

      Well said Darla. this caption really touched me as well.

      Kisses,

      Leeanne

      Delete
    2. Caitlyn MaskedJanuary 31, 2013 at 8:49 AM

      Thanks Darla.

      I can't say that making the cap made me feel any better. I was feeling 'down' for the rest of the day. But like a furious storm, that feeling blew itself out over night. I'm feeling fine this morning.

      If anything, I can take this cap to heart and know that I can still create while feeling down like that. It occupies my mind and keeps me doing something that may help someone else.

      Delete
  3. UnknownJanuary 31, 2013 at 1:21 AM

    Truly depressing... Yet also so raw and honest as too be breathtaking. With the TG Comunity and the TG Caption-Creating Community, we are dealing with the most powerful and ultimately, deeply personal emotions that exist... Emotions dealing with personal identity and self-worth. It's nice to focus on the sexy... It's nice to focus on the funny and the cute... But, if we are to be HONEST, we have to also occasionally portray the darkness. The fear, the depression, the uncertainty, the self-doubt, the confusion, etc... etc.. and ETC....

    This works needs no apology. It's tragic... it's sad... and it's sublime in it's honesty...

    THANK you for sharing it with us!

    /hugs,
    /hugs,
    /hugs,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caitlyn MaskedJanuary 31, 2013 at 8:51 AM

      Thanks Britney!

      I wish I could say that making this cap was intended to be the flip side of that coin. That I wanted to make something that showcases the darker side of the journey that many of us are on.

      But I didn't. The fact that it struck a cord is merely accidental. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that it resonated, but I just can't take credit for something that I tripped over accidently.

      Delete
  4. smittyJanuary 31, 2013 at 1:31 AM

    GAH This is a breathtakingly honest look at the path of someone that follows fantasy instead of reality and wakes up to a nightmare. I can't think of a starker cap I've read, including my own, and for that I salute you. Sexy, fun, uplifting, those are easy, to create something this raw is amazing. Hats off to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caitlyn MaskedJanuary 31, 2013 at 8:54 AM

      Thanks smitty!

      I'm glad that it came across as being that stark. That IS something that I was striving toward. I can only hope that I will one day make something like this without being so depressed at the time.

      Delete
  5. Alana TgirlJanuary 31, 2013 at 10:16 AM

    Caitlyn, I know exactly how you felt yesterday. I have days like that too....with no explainable reason. In fact, that's how I'm feeling today. I have lots of things I could be doing, but I just feel TOTALLY BLAH. :-/
    Having said that, I'm glad that you're feeling better today. :-)

    HUGE HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  6. UnknownFebruary 4, 2013 at 4:05 AM

    No words really...just a big virtual hug.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)