Do you plan on ever changing your sex?
This question comes in from Leila. I was actually surprised. First, I haven't received an honest question for quite awhile (I do get some, but they're all from a single person whom I'm ignoring). Second, I figured that I've already answered this in various questions and my "Behind The Mask" page. So my first idea was to just look up what I had written before in answer to questions like this and point everyone there.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the answers would be from a 'me' that no longer exists. I'm constantly changing who I am. I don't mean that I'm changing persona's or radically changing my personality, but rather I'm constantly shifting who I am. I am no longer the innocent and bright eyed caption artist that I was when I started Caitlyn's Masks. Nor am I the student who has was solely focused on graduating, getting a license and getting a job.
Well... I'm still focused on that last part... but I'm not the same person. I've had plenty of time to give this type of question more thought, and I welcome the chance to put all these random thoughts into a more ordered reply. Not only for all of you (all 4 of you) that are interested, but for myself.
Without reading everything I've written before I believe I could sum up my thoughts as this... I don't know. It all depends on the methodology. If there was a pill or a procedure that could make me into a woman beyond the current hormonal and surgical method, I might have wanted it. But since those methods only exist in fictional stories (and caps!), I didn't have to take that long look in the mirror and decide. So it was just easiest to leave it up in the air.
It seemed premature to just say no... that I never planned on changing sex. For the longest time I was exploring my inner fantasies via caps and even trying out a bit more of cross dressing (nothing all out, but I did get some panties to wear under my jeans). But that's two or three years ago now.
The simple answer now is.. no. No I do not have any plans on changing my sex. Certainly not with the hormonal and surgical methods available now, but also not with the magical or sci-fi method that could do it immediately. It's no longer about the procedure... it's about how I see my future. And my future is as a man.
This was actually really emphasized this past weekend. I visited with two close friends and their kids this weekend. And when I left, I realized just how much I wanted what they have... I wanted a wife and children. In no part of that statement, did I see myself as a woman. I didn't see myself as a mother or as a wife... I pictured myself as a husband and father. The only thing stopping me from pursuing that dream is me having a job... me being able to not only support myself but me being able to support my family (sure... my eventual wife will probably have to work too, but that's the economics of today's society).
Now... this in no way means that I don't also want to be 'Caitlyn'. It's just me redefining what that is. Caitlyn is a state of mind. A personality who shares my thoughts, but has no future in reality. I may enjoy my time being Caitlyn... making caps, talking to friends, role playing and even writing out a story.... but that's about all I want Caitlyn for. To let me experience that fantasy in some small way, and not let it flow over into my 'real' life.
I think if that fantasy method existed... if someone walked up to me, offered me a pill, and said that I could transform myself into a woman... that I would confidently say no. If it were temporary? Maybe... but that would be just me exploring something new. I'd do that with the same curiosity that would make me want to take a pill that would allow me to be short for a while (I'm actually quite tall). I'd do it in the same way that I would like to experience being an athlete or being skinny, or being fat, or being very tall.... I'd be curious about all of those things but I don't WANT to be them all the time.
I'm happy with who I am, and I'm comfortable in my own skin. I could experience most of those things with some effort. For example I could work out and diet to be skinny and/or an athlete... but that's not me. I don't think being that would be worth the effort put in.
I've said before that I don't see a major difference in being a woman beyond the body type and sexual organs. If I were born a woman, I don't think I'd dream about being a man... I'd more than likely be just as happy as a woman. But that's a big 'What if?'... and since I was born a man, I don't see any compelling reason to be a woman.
I'm also not locked into some old world mentality of 'A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and there is no changing that'. I have several friends that are currently living in the wrong gender. They are women who just happened to be born with testicles and a penis. They know this, and are working to remedy nature's mistake. I fully support them in this endeavor.... I just don't feel the same way.
So... this more than likely isn't that different of an answer from what I've given before. But for me it's replacing a state filled with ambiguity (I MIGHT want to be a woman if the circumstances where right) with a state filled with certainty (I DO NOT want to be a woman).
I'll be honest... a lot of these thoughts came to me when I had all that trouble 'Being Caitlyn'. I guess I just didn't need to question myself when I could be Caitlyn at almost any time I desired to. But one thing I found was that I'd be happy even if 'Caitlyn' never came around again. I HAD to be happy with that as for awhile there, she was gone. When I imagined a future without her, I didn't picture myself trying to change physically into her... I didn't think of becoming depressed or self destructive just because she wasn't there. I was just.. me. And now that she's more or less back... now that I can happily be Caitlyn (even if it takes extra effort to call her up at times)... I can admit that I don't want to be her full time. With her I can experience the fantasy without committing to that life change... I can have my cake and eat it too!
Thanks for asking the question Leila... you've helped me better define myself.
Its really interesting for me to read this, as one of your comments intrigued me, this one:
ReplyDelete"And when I left, I realized just how much I wanted what they have... I wanted a wife and children. In no part of that statement, did I see myself as a woman. I didn't see myself as a mother or as a wife... I pictured myself as a husband and father."
I probably have more gender issues than you do, as I've been had my daughter for quite a while now (she's in her mid/late teens) and while I don't mind being called her father, I consider myself more of her "parent" since I have taken on many of the feminine traits that the mother tends to do (as in take her shopping for her first bra) though I don't often think about it in that sense .. that I consider myself gender neutral. Perhaps its my upbringing, but my mom was about as feminine as could be, but she'd still put up sheet rock and get her hands dirty if the situation called for it. I tend to feel the same way about how I'm raising her, that I'm just doing whatever it takes to be there for her, and not regarding it in terms of "Dad" or "Mom" per se.
I think if I was female, I'd probably be the same way now, curious as to what other people feel and think, though not nearly like I am into it as Damien. Its why I enjoy transformational stories that aren't just TG related .. I've found person to animal stories intriguing, as well as physical / mental attribute switches, etc ...
For me, I'm guessing its probably some sort of thing I need to work out in regards to my mother seeming to have wanted a daughter more than a son AND issues involving a molestation when I was younger. That or I've been repressing more than I ever thought for all these years!
Dee, you bring up some interesting thoughts on gender roll as parents. I'm sure in the past that the roles of 'Mother' and 'Father' were more distinct and seperate. Mother being the loving caring person who would care for the children while Father was away at work. Father being the authoritarian person who would provide discipline (when needed) after getting home from work. Mother would console while Father would guide.
DeleteBut just as many gender roles have blurred in modern times, so has parenting roles. 'Stay At Home Mom' and 'House Wife' have become acceptable roles for men... no one blinks at a 'Stay At Home Dad' or a 'House Husband'. I also believe that these gender parent roles are most in flux when the children are young. The children I was visiting with were three and one. Both parents cared for the children equally... both changed diapers, both helped dress and wash, both played with the children equally.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't know what specifically would be different for me as a Father as opposed to a Mother. I would care for my children in any way that I could and wouldn't hesitate in the least if I thought something was more of a classical 'Mothers' role.
Of course all of this gets further muddied in the world of single parents, step parents, and the in-between... significant others of single parents. But at the end of the day when I imagine myself with children, even though I can't define the difference myself, I picture myself as a Father. Not a Mother, nor a Parent.
My own mother sounds similar to yours. She was as feminine as all get out, but she wouldn't hesitate when it came to doing work on the house. Hell... my father and her (along with a lot of other help) built a second story addition to our house. She was up their nailing up walls, helping lift ceiling joists, laying flooring and hanging dry wall with everybody else. She also wanted a daughter but was denied that. She had three male still births before my oldest brother was born. I came next, and was followed by my younger brother.
It's something to think about... what exactly defines a Mother beyond the pregnancy, birth and breast feeding. Those things are biological.. parenting is NOT biological. So what defines a mother and father?
This discussion is really at the heart of what many of us struggle with in our minds, and in our fantasy of what life as the other gender would be like. As far as parenting is concerned, the new reality is that men and women are far more capable and likely to interchange roles, depending upon family dynamics. Do I often wish I was a woman? Of course I do. In fact, nearly every day i see women and wonder what it would be like to be able to simply be a woman, and a complete woman, not one shaped and forged from a male body and who might not be accepted by society. I'm in Caitlyn's camp, although I am filled with conflict and live in a fantasy world of feminism, deep within me I know that I will always be male, and that is the way it needs to be. This is so on my own terms, but also because i have children, all boys, whose relationship with me would be forever fractured if I did something so much for only myself. I could never do it. So I think it is interesting that Caitlyn can answer this question, easing somewhat the strain or stress of having to decide. She doesn't. She can still be Caitlyn forever though, just as I will always be Leeanne. Great post Caitlyn and thank you for sharing such intimate thoughts.
ReplyDeleteKisses,
Leeanne
P.S. I appreciate Dee's thoughts on this subject as well.
I have never before commented here, but I just wanted to say that this was a very interesting read.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to write it, and I do kind of feel the same way that you do. I find it very hard to envision my future as a woman, and the current opptions very attractive.
But is there was a magic pill that would intstantly turn me, I think I would still take it, But would feel ALOT more comfortable if there was a way back, if it didn't feel right.
I don't know it just feels like a to big a commitment without really know what it would be like.
"the current opptions very UNattractive" was what I meant to say.
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