Monday, February 27, 2012

Caitlyn's Mask Must Come Off

I'll put the mask back on someday... I swear I will.

I honestly forget how much I've shared about my real life and who I've shared it with.  So please forgive me if I'm not sharing details that I have shared before.

Up until December I was going to college (Sadly it wasn't my first time through that particular rodeo).  In December I graduated, but I am not read to begin my career.  I need to take a licensing exam to gain full and fruitful employment.  The licensing exam is difficult (as they really should be in any field).  During the last semester my school provided us with an instructor from Kaplan.  Kaplan if you weren't aware, helps people pass licensing exams from all kinds of professional fields.  They don't teach the underlying material, they just prep people for the text.  They are very successful, and I've taken to using their method (along with the information I gained in my program) to take the text.

They recommend that everybody take their practice tests and study the results before attempting to take the licensing exam.  There are 7 tests all together.  And so long as I take all of their practice tests, I can retake their course if I fail to pass the exam.

So on the last day with the Kaplan instructor I set out plan.  I would take one of their practice tests.  The next day I would review the test.  The next day I would do some basic reviewing and studying.  Then I would repeat that process until I had all the tests taken.  Assuming I felt 'ready' I would then schedule and take my licensing exam.

The plan was sound, and I've seen several of my former classmates follow such plans and pass the exam.  But for many reasons I didn't follow my own plan.  Some day's I wasn't 'in the mood' to take a test.  Other days I was busy making caps and role playing at DX.  And other days I was scared.

Yes.  Scared.

You see if I complete this plan, pass the exam, get my license, and get a job then my life will change drastically.  Yes, I did want this change.  Back in 2008 I started going to school with this change in mind.  I would make more money than I have in the past and have a career path that could lead to so much more money.  I would have a job that doesn't just want excellence, but demands it, and I love a challenge.  I could put myself in a better living situation, and maybe even find that special woman for me.  I could certainly explore a little more cross dressing as I would have my privacy.

These are all good things, and I do want them.  But change is hard, and I've never been one to change easily (you could say I'm stubborn, but lets stay polite).  I've made changes like this before... I've been to college, moved to new cities and 'started' my life up several times.  And every time its been difficult.

But this time I have a very easy 'out' to help my subconscious put the brakes on this change.  And that is putting on my mask and becoming Caitlyn.  Caitlyn doesn't have to take a test. Caitlyn doesn't care if she gets a job.  She just IS.  She lives in the moment.  She makes caps and plays.  She talks to her friends and acts as if time never moved on.

I don't think I can really explain how hard it is right now to not 'be' Caitlyn at this moment.  I mean here I am posting on her blog.  But I can't be her, and prepare for this exam at the same time.  So  I am going to fence myself in, and take that distraction away.  Caitlyn has to go away.  The mask has to come off.

Until I pass this exam I will cease all capping efforts.  I know I owe two captions over at the Haven and oh god I so want to cap right now (I found some great images and have an idea on a slightly different way to tell a story).  But I know that if I do that, I won't end up studying, or taking one of the practice exams today.  I am hoping that holding out Caitlyn as my own reward, that I'll use it as an incentive to get this done quickly.

And since viewing capping blogs tends to stoke the creative fire to cap, I'll be avoiding those as well.  Chatting with my capping friends does the same... so I'm afraid I have to go quiet there too.  Playing at DX does the same... so no more role playing.

For all intensive purposes, I'm laying Caitlyn to rest.  She'll sleep fitfully, but she won't be allowed out to play until I am a licensed professional.  I sincerely hope that this only takes a few weeks.  But it could easily take a month.  And if I don't pass the exam on the first try?  Then I may not put my mask back on until summer or later.

I'm honestly about to cry right now.  I don't want to do this.... but I have to.

I won't say goodbye.  I'll simply say 'Until We Meet Again'.


  1. Damn sweetie, sorry to see you have to go quiet for a bit.

    However, your real life has to come first, and I wish you all the luck in passing those exams.

    Big hugs and kisses for you :)

  2. Your doing the right thing. I for one have full confidence that it will go well. Still im going to go ahead and wish you GOOD LUCK. Looking forward to when you can cap again.

  3. Take your time, pass your test and best of luck. We will see you when you are finished and I will be rooting for you!

  4. I know what you are feeling right now :)

    So take the best of you as Calvin and when you are done, take the best from you as Caitlyn. I did have to do what you are doing right now, when my exams came... if not I couldn't concetrate on it... just imagining what would I do in the next cap or what would I had to do to express something better, or how to improve the overall style.

    That's just simply unnerving for me! *giggle*

    So once again, have good luck on your tests, and come back happy to what you enjoy doing. Afterall this isn't a job but a hobby... I know sometimes we forgot about it!

    Hugs and Kisses Alectra

  5. And I was just starting to feel better and caption more and make comments and ... Ironic that you are so productive when I'm on the shelf for medical reasons!

    Anyway, as others have said, we are all aboard on this, and will be around for whenever you get back.

    Knowing you these past few years, you are usually "all-in" or "go home" .. no half-measures for you! That also means, I don't expect you to be gone TOO LONG.

  6. Good luck on your tests! Take the time you need and make all your hard work in college pay off. Fans like myself will be here when return.

  7. Best of luck. You are absolutely right, though, to put real life endeavors ahead of these sorts of online endeavors. Fun and the friends you've made will still be here; opportunity for a better future can be fleeting.

  8. Real llife comes first! GOod luck in your studies and test-taking; and we'll see you back when the time is right.


  9. It sucks when real life gets in the way of captioning. But you're making the right decision. Back in December things got really crazy for me but I still tried to keep making new material. The result was I ended up half-assing both my captions and my real world obligations. Take as much time off as you need, it sucks but it'll save you so much frustration both online and off. Good luck with your tests, and see you when you come back.